Recovery Framed By Failure

[Pencil]

Can I be your sibling too?

Yes! :hug:

 

[Pencil]

It actually horrifies me when I am curled in a ball wishing for Mommy and/or Daddy--they (the real ones) are about the LAST thing I want.

Indeed. And I think we started wanting a mommy or daddy when our real parents scared us when we were kids.

 

[Springer80]

Hi pencil, sorry for the dense-cruptic thing. I find it difficult to put into words. Will come back later, need a break from tiny keyboard! X

 

[shell]

I really struggle with feeling like a failure, which probably relates to my parents making me believe I could do nothing right as they would always move the goal posts. I think perhaps now I do that to myself, I expect more of myself than I do of others.

I think I always thought when I had sorted out my issues I would feel different, but I noticed unless I take the time to list all the improvements and achievements I have made, I feel like I have accomplished nothing. I have a tendancy to focus on the bad than to focus on the positive, and one of my recent changes has been to focus on the positive no matter how small.

For me the reason I feel empty, is that my life feels empty because I haven't really started participating in life, I need to get a life outside of therapy.

 

[Springer80]

Sometimes when I get a little clarity and start to feel better, I feel the need to hold onto the thoughts and sensation. This isnt the same as acting on the insight. Yet at the same time I ferl anxious that if I dont realise those forward facing emotions immeadiately then I will have failed. However, the circumstances I need to achieve are not short goals.

Its interesting for me all this. I can sense more perspective and am getting an understanding of how panic affected me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Panic is a real downer and it is a trigger for me. I enjoy the good days so much and wish that they would last forever. It is a real powerful force in my life. I just freak out and then I feel bad afterwards. But it is just a symptom and someday my goal is to learn and grow from it and not let it freak me out.

You are not alone in panic.

 

[Springer80]

Its like the residue of panic. A trough of reaction that was familiar and I can still feel the route it takes. Its all I knew for a long time but it no longer has to be and it is within my control. It feels alien and natural to move forward, but its a natural ive rarely had the chance to practice.

That isnt a reason not to act on it though. I can feel it coming.

 

[Springer80]

F**K practice! Aaaaaarrrrrrgghh ;)

 

[Springer80]

When I had acute ptsd I had anger, defiance, purpose and drive. Now, after exhaustion, vitamin d deficency and fatigue I havent.

I actually feel like I would wish those days back. I had self respect then.

I need to get it back.

Funnily enough having emdr for attachment issues has left me in a worse position. I thought I was being brave and going in the right direction attending to these base emotions that had misguided and scuppered me for so long.

I am absolutely bereft of any understanding as to how arriving at what I feel now is recovery.

I saw a therapist today and called samaritans yesterday.

I think I need some distance from the mire of this situation. I need a holiday.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hope you do plan a trip or something fun. One can never have enough fun.

So sad what you wrote. It is all part of the process. Do not give up on yourself.
Keep at it, eventually it does get better.

You did not get this way overnight and you will not heal and recover overnight. It is hell going through the process.

I remember so many mornings when I woke up, I did not want to face the day.

Get some space, some distance, and come back with mabe a fresh perspective. Wishing you the very best.

 

[Springer80]

Thank you Gizmo, Most days I feel like someone stuck their thumbs through my temples and into my brain. It's a very literal feeling that my brain doesn't function how it used to. You know when you ears go pop and you hearing sort of goes in side out, like your under water; it feels like that in my brain most of the time. I know how it used to be was with hyper-vigilance etc but this feels SO unfamiliar mentally and emotionally.

I'm definitely having mood swings; I cry really easily. I'm worried about my mental health, which despite having ptsd for over ten years I have never thought before because I knew which way was up.

I keep trying to find how I used to feel and what I used to know and have conviction in. I can't but I go over it because I can't figure out how it unravelled when I was so sure I was doing the right thing and working so hard at it.

I'm afraid that I've inadvertently turned into a ghost of a person, with no fight left in me and nothing gained from all that's gone before.

Still, I looked at cycling holidays in Holland the other day. It's been three years since I got CFS and I think I've balanced out enough to try. Holland is FLAT all over and doing about 30 miles a day for a few days is a pretty steady pace. I am a bit scared of getting back on a bike though. I stopped driving around the same time my body burned out. I couldn't co-ordinate myself and 'thumbs in the brain' thing meant negotiating traffic was scary. It really knocked my confidence. However, Holland is uber bike friendly; canals, country lanes, cycle paths everywhere. The routes I'm looking at aren't traffic heavy.

So I thought I might try getting my bike fixed up again. There's a free, city ran scheme to teach you how to service them.

You know the funny thing is that I blame myself more since all this stuff happened. When I had ptsd I never did.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I got some wise advise from a friend which I will pass on to you. We make the choice to how we talk to ourselves.

For so many wasted years I was so hard on myself with the blame, shame, and false guilt.

When she told me I need to tell myself positive things it was like a light turned on for me.

With a ton of practice, I am passing all of that negativity onto my abusers where it belongs. I feel so much better.
Now I can catch myself with the negative stuff and change it.

The trip sounds so relaxing and so good for you. I hope you will come back refreshed and feeling a hundred percent better.

It sounds like you are in your process and keep on keeping on, putting one foot in front of the other and you will eventually stop blaming yourself.

I also have been at long last able to put the abusers in the past where they belong. I am free of them and now I focus more on the present and also stay away from the unknown future which used to drive me nuts.

Keep hope alive in you. Go on your trip and have a ton of fun and relaxation etc. It sounds like quite an adventure to me. I will be thinking of you.