General Recovery Question

[heartbroken]

My husband is on medication and (finally) seeing a therapist to help him deal with his PTSD. He hasn't been seeing the therapist for long. But I've noticed that while he used to get angry when I try to discuss our marital problems with him, he now gets very quiet and changes the subject. I suppose that is better than punching holes in the walls and yelling at me, but I wonder if it can actually be considered progress. Is it a step forward, or just a sidestep into an entirely different problem? Is this a phase that a lot of people go through? And how should I handle it? I don't want to push him too hard, but I do want to make it clear that if we want to fix the problems that have been building up for the past two years, we will eventually have to talk.
Thanks in advance for your responses!

 

[Cowgirl]

Hello, Heartbroken!

I am not a therapist, and so I cannot answer whether this new phase is common in therapy. I'll leave that for someone else's comment.

What I can say is that it is great that your DH has progressed to a point already where he is not punching holes in walls and yelling. That is progress! That has to relieve a lot of your own anxiety, and it must make life with him much more bearable, if not pleasant yet. So, although it is not a complete fix, appreciate that relief his change of behavior has brought to your life together.

He's doing a lot of talking in therapy, I'm sure. Away from therapy he's doing a lot of thinking. He may not be ready to talk about the issues you are raising about other problems in your marriage. He just managed to deal with what is likely to have been one of the more severe relationship problems, and he's working on many other issues within himself. He may at this point not know what he really thinks about the various issues you raise. Many things are in a state of flux for him and it will take some time for him to sort them out.

Is there any reason why you feel these issues must be addressed immediately? Is there any reason why you feel that your issues must be discussed now, so early in therapy? Or, can they wait a bit while he gets better slowly?

Cowgirl

 

[heartbroken]

I suppose there are a lot of reasons why I have that need to take care of things immediately. Partly because we have two small children in the house and I don't want them to grow up thinking that this is what a normal marriagee is like. Partly because it took me 2 years to get him to go to therapy, and I don't think I can handle waiting another two years to work on our marriage. But I think most of it may be my own insecurities. I didn't know my dad and my mom was very neglectful. I never felt loved until I met my husband, and now it's killing me that I'm feeling that way again. I think I tend to be a bit overbearing with my "handle it right this second" attitude, but I don't know how else to handle it. If I let him stew a bit and talk about it later, he says he has no idea what I'm talking about.
Still, thanks for your input. What you said makes sense, and I suppose I will try to give him some space and let him think a bit. I just wonder where I should draw the line between dealing with my own needs, and dealing with his at my own expense.

 

[becvan]

Heartbroken, it really sounds like you could use a bit of therapy at the moment. (not insulting you here) I just think it might help if you could have someone to talk to yourself, to help you learn about this, to have support, to have someone to vent to, and also to help you learn about what you can do with the marital issues on your own.

Sorry to say but right now, your partner needs to focus on himself. He needs to learn to manage his PTSD and won't be capable of working through martial issues, at the start. He will as time progresses but right now.. give his therapy a chance to work on the PTSD.

bec

 

[Cowgirl]

But I think most of it may be my own insecurities. I didn't know my dad and my mom was very neglectful. I never felt loved until I met my husband, and now it's killing me that I'm feeling that way again. I think I tend to be a bit overbearing with my "handle it right this second" attitude, but I don't know how else to handle it.

Your DH cannot fix your insecurities. Just as you cannot fix his PTSD, he cannot fix the emotional scars you carry from your past. My DH cannot fix my issues either. No one can fix anyone else. That's the hard work facing every living being: dealing with one's own issues, working on oneself, healing one's own old wounds. Yes, you are in pain, but perhaps this pain is not entirely caused by your DH, and perhaps once you see that he cannot fix it, but you can, you will feel empowered and freed. And perhaps that will make all the difference for your marriage.

Heartbroken, it really sounds like you could use a bit of therapy at the moment. (not insulting you here) I just think it might help if you could have someone to talk to yourself, to help you learn about this, to have support, to have someone to vent to, and also to help you learn about what you can do with the marital issues on your own.

I think Bec is right. Therapy could be a good way for you to explore your own issues and learn how to deal with them. If you work on your issues and your DH works on his, you may be surprised how much better your relationship feels as you each come to it with greater emotional health, neither expecting the other to fix their problems. You can support each other, but that is a different dynamic than demanding that someone fix something that is beyond their control, perhaps.

:Hug_emoticon:

Cowgirl

 

[Angela_S]

I don't know your husband's history, but I know with my husband the biggest reason he finally got diagnosed and started treatment was because the anger was getting out of control. We had the police at our house and it threatened his Military career. It was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak.

Because of this, it was one of the first things that the counsellors worked on - controlling the anger and learning how to communicate better during a disagreement. I'm sure it is because the anger can be so dangerous and they want to take care of that first before someone gets hurt.

Perhaps your husband's silence and changing the subject is his way of avoiding an argument. I would say that is a sign of progress, although very frustrating I'm sure.

I'm very much like you in that I want things taken care of RIGHT NOW. We also have 2 children at home. I'm beginning to understand though that the more I push, the less likely I am to get a desirable outcome from him. If I just leave it be, he will usually address it later after he's thought about it. One thing I think about sufferers is that their "trigger" reaction is often to defend themselves, and often with anger. Reactions are much better after they have time to process.

"Patience is a virtue," and it's one I'm working REALLY hard on myself. I'm awful at it, but I think I'm getting better, and being here and seeing that there are other people out there struggling with it too, makes it much easier somehow.

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum Angela and thanks for sharing.

 

[Cowgirl]

Perhaps your husband's silence and changing the subject is his way of avoiding an argument. I would say that is a sign of progress, although very frustrating I'm sure.

I'm very much like you in that I want things taken care of RIGHT NOW. We also have 2 children at home. I'm beginning to understand though that the more I push, the less likely I am to get a desirable outcome from him. If I just leave it be, he will usually address it later after he's thought about it. One thing I think about sufferers is that their "trigger" reaction is often to defend themselves, and often with anger. Reactions are much better after they have time to process.

This is very true, Angela. Rage is the biggest issue the PTSD sufferer must deal with because of its danger. It is very likely that the therapist suggested the coping mechanism of changing the subject. That way he can avoid anger that could escalate into rage. You are right that they need time to process, without pressure. That is why I give my DH space when he starts to escalate.

Cowgirl

 

[rob4444]

Sadly..im either at full rage..or quiet and scared like a church mouse..usually prefering to go quiet to avoid conflict,so i dont hurt anyone else....ive never experienced the in between(normal?)...wish i could.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear heartbroken,

I agree with the previous posts. I know it seems painfully slow, but I believe your husband will appreciate your patience in the long run. He probably is dealing with A LOT of issues within himself at the moment, not the least of which is controlling/redirecting his anger and he sounds like he is making some progress there.

He needs time, therapy and to deal with this to confront the fears.

My best wishes for your whole family.


Re: rob4444's post:

In a way, you are. To be able to begin with managing the rage (the times you are quiet), is replacing a negative. Eventually you will be able to add on positives to the other.

(By the way, nothing wrong with 'Church mice')
:smile: