Red Flags Thread

[Powder]

I'm seeing replies about "red flags" all over the forum in reference to behaviors that should provide a cautionary hint of more problems ahead if you keep relating to someone who displays them. This seems like an important relationship issue for someone with PTSD or triggers.

When it comes to red flags:

1. How to separate being triggered from an actual red flag?

2. What red flags do you believe most people miss as too subtle? Are these red flags really more like instincts to avoid someone that is intuitive only? Maybe you couldn't put your finger on why you felt warned.

3. What has helped you to not miss red flags and stay away from dangerous people or emotionally unsafe relationships?

 

[arfie]

1. What I call, "Red Flags" always trigger me. There is no distinction. The question for me is, "What do I do with the warning?"

2. I do not worry too much about "most people." Insufficient data.
My personal red flags can come from anywhere. Instinct. Experience. My personal condition. Party chit chat. Last night's movie. I don't typically worry about the source. I evaluate the warning. If it requires no immediate action, I file it for future reference. As for the ones that were too subtle for me to catch... Well... I missed them, didn't I? Another case of insufficient data?

3. Simple awareness in the here and now is my greatest aid in catching the red flags. I can't catch a flag going off today if my mind is caught up in future worries or past events.

 

[intothelight]

For me personally, the "red flags" have changed and there are a few that I find concrete and for my own mental and emotional safety I will avoid...

1. They are not accountable for their own actions, it is always the fault of someone else, life or something else. Remember the operative word is always.
2. They are dishonest and to the point that they truly are experts at self-deception.
3. They have no respect for boundaries even when clearly stated and will justify breaking them continuously.
4. They seem to have no "self" but are very self-focused. The ways in which they interact change like the wind on a spring day so there is no core, just whatever makes the situation most advantageous to them.

Those are my red flags and people that exhibit those traits are the ones that have caused me the most harm and the one's I have now learned to avoid in totality.

 

[Powder]

@arfie Thanks for sharing your system of identifying red flags, even though they are triggering. That coincides with me 90% of the time, too. That's what I'm trying to neutralize the thinking about why some people trigger me so fast before I have a chance to notice specifically why. I have to go away to be alone and reflect on what specific thing it was that was a red flag and made me so uncomfortable. Of course, I'm not getting out of that job, but I hope to build as @intothelight stated, some firm and duly noted red flags to be aware of so that I immediately know what was the issue.

With the same person who would do 1-4, even before I get to see them do those actions, I have seen some other flags that are really not flags but "potential red flag indicators" such as overly high attempts to demonstrate superiority via:

1. flashy car (I know not everyone with a flashy, expensive car is a problem, but I've had problems with everyone where the car was pushed into my awareness by them inserting in into their identity deliberately)

2. looking down their nose at others at ALL times, rigid head held high and back posture to look down on others

I've noticed 1-2 here in just meeting some who then fulfill 1-4 in the above post after you know them better.

 

[Seasounds]

There are two sides of the coin. People who get triggered, (like myself-a person with PTSD), who need to cultivate the ability to both recognize and to turn away from people, who demonstrate patterns that, (as it turns out) are present in abusive relationships.

On the other side of the coin, here are signs, that I've found to be red flags for my triggers, and that tell me to dis-engage. People who:

1. Blame others, ("You make me so mad.")
2. Control others, ( "You should do it my way.")
3. Insult others. ( "Your housekeeping is awful.")
4. Ignore others. (They pretend they didn't hear you.)
5. Are argumentative ("You are wrong.")
6. Need to be right. ("My way is better.")
7. Manipulate others. ("If you really cared, ..".)
8. Dominate others. ("Just listen to me.")
9. Intimidate others. (They swear at, or hit, people or objects.)
10. Defend themselves, instead of listen ( "You are wrong.")
11. Generally dislike people. ("People are so stupid.")
12. Don't respect boundaries. ("I didn't know.")
13. Make excuses. ("I didn't mean to ...")
14. Are not adaptable. ("We have to do it this way.")
15. Lose their temper. (Blaming or hitting.)
16. Retaliate. (Take an aggressive action, afterwards.)
17. Don't keep their promises. ("I never said that.")
18. Don't keep confidentiality. (Share private information with others.)
19. Have strong changes in their moods.
20. Have consistent alcohol and other drug habits, that interfere with communicating and 'showing up

My ability to be secure enough to turn away from triggering people and triggering situations, and to recognize triggering people and situations, is a life-long process. My focusing on my self-growth, learning how to transform my patterns (of negatively engaging people and situations), and to navigate people and situations, peaceably, so I do not add to triggers, has been very important. I can only change myself and my choices, not others.

My opinions matter; and I don't need to share my opinion, to someone (the other person), for whom, it will trigger. The wiser can stop the cycling, in the wheel.

 

[Seagreen]

I find the best way to spot a red flag is to look at the intent. Disrespect is the most obvious warning sign. If the person is mocking, belittling or harming me intentionally (physically or emotionally) that is a red flag. If they do it others, particularly people they are close to, that is also red flag.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that red flags and triggers can be overlapping, but only if the trigger is directly related to our trauma (as this is the definition of trigger, otherwise its just a stressor).

Triggers that overlap with red flags for me.....

1) The person has a drinking problem. My mother was an alcoholic when I was a young child, and I dated an alcoholic in the closet who placed me into an indirect trauma recreation situation. That was the end of that....
2) The person is controlling. Again, controlling mother who was the daughter of a controlling grandfather. Controlling personalities can manifest in many different ways, so it can be hard to pick them out initially.
3) The person is emotionally, verbally, physically or sexually abusive. Yep, all three have been part of my trauma.


Red flags that are just red flags...

The person is not good with money. Hey, I don't have much money, but I live within my means. I'm not a gold digger, but at the same time I want someone who is financially responsible as money is a HUGE stressor to me. My family handled my finances for me for awhile as I couldn't do it without going into a complete panic episode. I won't get into another situation like that ever again. (And even then it was a student loan issue, not a 'I went out and put $20K on my credit card' issue.) Money doesn't have anything to do with my trauma, as this issue popped up when my PTSD was at its worst.

There are more....