Refusing To Drink The Family Kool-aid

[amethist]

Shine the light on evil, and it cannot survive.

I love this ClairBear.

Keep shining that light, so that the evil that hurt you, has nowhere to hide.

Amethist

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Clair Bear, You are on the right track in my opinion. It makes me feel sick that they are taking this tack.You are the sain one. You are the one breaking the generational cycles of abuse. It doesn't matter what they think or want. They are expecting the impossible. This makes me so angry when families close ranks in their denial. I think denial is insidious. I like what what Amethist said. Keep on shining that light, so that the evil that hurt you, has nowhere to hide. I am really proud of you for your great courage and inner strength. well done and bravo.

 

[Philippa]

I just had to add one part of that story that I left out, and that was what she did to her father. I think it was her passive-aggressive way of saying "f*ck you dad" for not protecting her.

She hired a MALE stripper for his birthday!:roflmao:

Apparently the grandmother really got into it.:laugh:

 

[nomore]

I did a search online on family taking the side of the abuser and found this forum. I felt like I was alone and was looking online to see if anyone else out there has experienced the family taking the side of the abuser.

I had to write each family member a letter and gave them an ultimatim, either keep the abusers away from the children or I can no longer be a part of their life. Unfortunately, both parents and all my siblings have decided to allow the children around the abusers in my family and said they wished I would forgive so we can all move on.

I couldn't stand quiet and allow the incest in my family to continue another generation and stay silent. I didn't want another child to bear the torture I did as a child. This was 3 years ago. Yet they still will leave messages on my phone, one time a sister showed up in my driveway (I live 6 hours from her), and have my neices and nephews text me, all trying to get me to just come back without my stipulations. I don't return phone calls or reach out to them.

Since the break, two abusers have molested three more children. My heart aches because no matter what I have done, the abuse continues. I have such deep pain. I hurt regarding my past, the choice of my family to abandon me for the abusers and now that I can't stop the abuse. I have lost so much.

When I was 17 I moved out on my own. At 18 I moved out of state and started a new life for myself. I have a wonderful supportive husband, married 22 years and wonderful son. Why can't I let all my pain go so I can enjoy the family I have right here with me now?

BTW I do have a good therapist. She said what I'm going through is normal. Yet I don't feel anyone really understands.

Any suggestions?

 

[Eleanor]

Hi nomore - have you communicated to the children that you know, and that you (if you do) are prepared to support them in whatever way necessary? I think, really, that is all there is to be done at this point. If CPS where they are won't do anything... Unless you are going to go in for kidnapping (not advised) I'm not sure what else there is to be done...

So so sorry you (or anyone) is in this horrible situation....

 

[nomore]

I have told the neices and nephews who have contacted me that I will be here to support them if they want to reach out to me.

 

[fairywings]

Those walls of silence seem to be all too common, it is shameful, and as you say, it puts others in harms way. It makes me so angry.

Oh yes I know about the walls of silence. I have a very abusive family. I have severed ties quietly with most of them. They know what happened to me. It was severe and it was constant. No one ever asks me am I ok how am I doing nothing, like I do not exist. But then they treat their children bad too. My sister who makes trouble for everyone in her life tries to get me on facebook and even though she despises the family has many relatives on her page. So I am naive enough to think we can be a family again. I get a profile and friend her and the family. And not a single relative talks to me. I try to talk a little but I am afraid. So I am on a couple of months ..still nothing. Very very sad.

 

[nomore]

It might be a blessing because communication with them may bring heartache. I have found for me, it is all very sad. So I try very hard to find my own happiness.

I am sorry you are going through this. I can relate, my abuse was severe and constant as well, over 10 years. I tried to get help but no one listened. I called the police when I was 14 and my mother sent the police away. I finally accepted this was my life until I could leave on my own.

I left at 17, blocked out my past and started the life I always wanted. Got married to a great man, had a child, had wonderful friends and kept contact with my family with holiday visits and phone calls. I managed it all so well.

Then when my sister married her 3rd husband and he was a convicted child molester, I lost it. She demanded her husband be welcomed in my home, with my child or our relationship was over. So the relationship ended. It got worse from there and everyone turned on me.

It makes no sense to me. Why are the ones who try to stop the cycle of abuse become the problem in our families eyes?

 

[fairywings]

Thanks :)

I am the same way I have to really try to find happiness. I am scarred so deep it does not take much to send me into a downward spiral. I think my mom always hated the fact that my dad wanted to be around me not her. My dad was so fun to be around. Always had a joke and smile for everyone.:) She hated it!

They fought constantly. But he adored his children. So when he passed she unleashed her poison on me full force. I was blessed with my dad till I was 21. The next 10 years were h*ll for me. She and my sister ganged up on me a lot. I remember a lot of horrible things, And one time around 25 I was sexually assaulted at gunpoint by my room mate for 4 hours, the guy went to jail. And I remember the cops telling her I needed a place to live. She told the cops no no no she's trouble I don't want her to come home! I went home and she screamed and yelled I can't stand you you don't belong here etc. right after the assault. I don't know how I survived it. I do not know.

Maybe we become much better people than them and they see their faults. So, It's uncomfortable around us. And they also see the darkness in them.

 

[nomore]

I am so sorry you were assualted. It is hard to believe the things a person can survive but we do survive.

I too find it is hard for some people to be with stronger people. They will even try to bring you down to their expection of you. It truly is their issue, not yours. Be who you are meant to be, don't be less to make others feel good about themselves. Real friends want you to succeed.

 

[nomore]

......How does our society allow a molester to be protected, and his victims to be ignored, or even demonized? I don't get it. I know my own family can't be the only one that does not understand the power silence gives a molester. How do other families deal with this stuff? I can only see this one way. Shine the light on evil, and it cannot survive. Right now, I feel very alone in that standpoint.[/quote]

I really can relate to the things you said. Thanks for posting. I now know I'm not the only person dealing with this kind of family situations. It was so hard to take when the family made me out to be the person in the wrong and yet allowing a child molester around children. They think I am sick..... really! I have never harmed a child in my life and yet I am the sick one. Do you ever wonder how you can be related to your family members? I do. I see things so differently then them. I feel children should be protected at all costs, even if it means making the tough choice to speak out and losing the entire family in the process. I can't sit silent and not try to protect the children.

 

[AzureMind]

ClaireBear, those walls are usually the walls of ignorance that are erected...it's easier sometimes for families to sweep the pain under the proverbial rug, than it is to take a good hard look at it, and deal with the disordered family member together. My mother used to tell me time and again that she'd get rid of my abusive father, that it'd be just her, me, and my brother, but she never has; she is co-dependent, and lacks the internal resources to justify to herself why she should leave him....she's had numerous friends tell her why, and has even lost a very, VERY good friend/sister in the process of standing by her 'man'...it's ridiculous, but ClaireBear, all we can do is make our decisions about who we decide to spend our lives with a little more consciously than our parents taught us...I learned that sometimes in life, you don't get away unscathed, sometimes you just get away to see a better day..:)