Rejection For Not Having Ptsd

[Sailorgal]

Sorry, had errands to run today so I'll make this short and sweet. Thanks for all your feedback and support. Too tired to try and reply individually and worry about reposting quotes. ha ha!

Sometimes I wonder why the people who complain about not being accepted are the most critical. None of them would want to walk a day in our shoes. Yes over the years I learned to let yhem fall by the wayside...i don't worry about how I appear, it is just disheartening not being accepted. But it's reality that it will never be as we want.

Oddly though, some of my non-ptsd friends areuch more mental than I thought! Ok that's another post. Lol!

Hey, I might just look into a fake plant myself. :)

 

[Orglethorp]

No one believed the smart, sassy, strong willed and fun gal could be sooo broken inside.

I know exactly what you mean here. People look at me and see a happy, smiling, intelligent girl who's willing to take risks and chase dreams. They think I'm so secure in myself, so well adjusted, and so brave. Those people don't see me falling apart when I'm sitting in my room late at night, unable to sleep nor do something productive. Those people don't know that I present my apparent contentedness is usually an unconscious reflex due to years and years of pretending that everything was okay when it wasn't, rather than a genuine cheery mood. Those people who are admiring me for going into engineering after 6 years of part time study in history don't realize that my PTSD stopped me from having the confidence to complete an engineering degree 6 years ago. Those people who think I'm so brave to be moving away from "everyone I know" don't realize that I feel so alone anyway that my actual location doesn't really matter.

I rarely speak to anyone I was friends with 6 years ago. The people who I used to consider my closest friends have all gone, and few of them made their exits from my life with grace. The ones I do talk to from time to time (online, never face-to-face) are the ones I was never that close to in the first place. Over the past 6 years I've had 1 lengthy relationship, but I've been without any sort of romantic partner since that ended 2 years ago. I've become very good at making temporary friends, but I don't seem to know how to keep them around.

What I've started to realize, though, is that I like the person I'm becoming as I put myself back together. I like the people I'm meeting now more than the people I knew then, and I don't think I ever could be more than just acquaintances with most of them anymore. Letting go of all those people in your past who have chosen to leave you can be such a freeing thing. It's hard to be alone, for sure, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. The trick is to live alone, rather than just be alone. What I mean by that is learn to accept who you are now, who you're becoming, and what makes you happy just being you. Learn to rely on yourself. Don't sit around and just be alone, bored and unhappy. Do things. Anything. When you're feeling lonely, go be around people. You don't even have to go out with people, just go sit on a bench in a public place and see if you can enjoy a few moments chatting with another lonely soul. Find hobbies that make you feel like you're doing something worth while. When you can learn to be alone in a positive way, then you can learn to form connections with others and have loved ones without relying on connections to feel whole or supported.

 

[Sailorgal]

Yeah I was "fine" til I trusted one person. I was doing my own thing, living life....like you I have done things solo for years! Even dining at nice restaurants over a glass of wine! And I really enjoy it!

New friendships tend to be easier cos you can control the amount of info you want to share. This whole experience has taught me relationship isn't possible for me and that's fine. I've been single most of my life anyways.

 

[rightkindofme]

Those people don't know that I present my apparent contentedness is usually an unconscious reflex due to years and years of pretending that everything was okay when it wasn't, rather than a genuine cheery mood.

I rarely speak to anyone I was friends with 6 years ago. The people who I used to consider my closest friends have all gone, and few of them made their exits from my life with grace.

These two in particular. I learned how to fake a personality that was acceptable. I got beat up too often for "being me" so I learned to give people what they want from me. I feel pret worthless and unliked for myself.

People like to send me long letters (both in email and in snail mail) telling me in great detail why they no longer want to be my friend because I am a disgusting, bad person. I get one every year or so. Someone is always ready to stop being my friend and tell me it is all my fault for being bad. It feels paranoid only I literally have a stack of letters. :(

 

[Sailorgal]

Omg that is just AWFUL!! I hope you are more selective in choosing friends from now on!

 

[rightkindofme]

I'm not sure how to pick friends in order to avoid this happening. I tell people less. My friendships are much more shallow. I'm more protective of me and I don't spend time with people. It's hard and sad.

 

[Sailorgal]

True, not everyone needs to know. Better that way too since you don't want to be labeled either. As long as the friendships are healthy, even shallow is fine. I just keep it balanced where I'm not having to deal with THEIR drama. :)