Relationship Break Up Due To Ptsd ... Trying To Stem The Backlash

[becvan]

Okay I'm going to assume most on here have no idea of who I am.

Have been living with managed PTSD for many years now. Generally do okay. Still can't work but that's complicated from an auto immune disease. I manage my symptoms of both and focus on the positives. Into many good things for me (have friends, motorcycle, piano, painting, etc...)

Anyways, I was with this guy for three years. He even went through me almost dying from my other disease, treatment, etc. We were doing okay. He knew all about my PTSD and my triggers. Two months ago, he flipped right out. He was screaming at me (a first and a last) that I was poisoning his mind and doing so to hurt him on purpose. This was over me being triggered the night before and telling him the event (no details) at the time I was triggered. This has happened many many times before (me being triggered and talking about the event without details.)

I left and we didn't talk for almost another 8 hours. When I tried to talk to him about it, he started freaking out about it all over again. So I told him, I can't change my past, I can't change my triggers and I can't change my PTSD. So if you can't deal with it, then I guess we are over. He agreed. We had this same conversation daily for the next week.

Now it's been two months and on the surface I'm okay. But I'm not. It took serious therapy and help from my friends here to even get me to try to date again. I have a real thing about being "broken" and subjecting another human being to my disorder. I'm completely freaking wrecked over this. Two months later and I'm no further then I was to start with.

The whole thing was out of the blue and over my past, triggers and PTSD. I just can't seem to let go of this. I really feel like I'm just too screwed up to be with anyone. Even though I work really f'ing hard every day to manage this disorder. I just feel very hopeless right now.

I'm sure I have some bad thinking habits going here, but I'm so crushed I can't think straight. I'm not sure if I should go back into therapy or not. I really would like to try to fix this with your help.

thanks,
Bec

 

[reallydown]

Hi Bec. I'm sorry to read you're going through this now. This is clearly bothering you (understatement) which is perfectly normal after any breakup. Having said that, once you factor the PTSD in, maybe it would be a good idea to go to therapy...Then again, I'm probably the last person who should give any advice re relationships. Anyway, hang in there.

 

[becvan]

RD!!! Is that you! How are you doing?

Thanks. I'm really on the fence over going back.. I was doing so well dammit! Well this really isn't about relationships anymore. It's actually about how I'm feeling about myself now and how to get back onto even footing. And how the hell to stop this bad tape from playing in my head!

 

[reallydown]

It's me...I'm in the chat now, if you feel like talking. I've been on here a lot lately...things haven't been great but enough about that.

 

[pandora]

Sorry to hear about your relationship troubles......maybe therapy can help you through this rough patch. Take care Bec.

 

[anthony]

A breakup is a traumatic event... and you have to treat it as such. People without PTSD become depressed, anxious, suicidal, go well and truly off the deep end due to their relationships breaking down. Add PTSD... and you know the possible outcome. Process what you feel, talk about it, work through it, and don't beat yourself up by rushing back into it after only 2 months, if the reality is that you aren't actually over the fallout of the relationship yet.

Obviously you're working on it... so you will know when you're ready to date and get back into that scene. Going into dating with PTSD + breakup baggage, just equates to more failure, more beating yourself up, and more hassle for you. If you want sex while working yourself out due to the last relationship, then just be honest with people about that and find a f*ck buddy or such. If you're ready to date, and have dealt with all your baggage from the last relationship, then go looking for love, romance and what is a relationship.

This is exactly where friends come into things for you... in that you chill with them for months and allow some time, talking about things until you have resolved the issues in your brain, then tip toe back into dating and see what happens. Keep real about things, and don't set yourself up for failure then use it to confirm some unrealistic thought you used going into the next one.

This is why rebound relationships when dumped, fail as a majority, because being on the end of the other walking away, you haven't had time to process the change.

 

[becvan]

Thanks Anthony! I totally agree with all that. I realized last night that I'm actually going through the stages of grieving. I was in shock for a few weeks, then really mad, now I'm in the sad/bargaining one...

I thought I was ready to date but I'm not. Been crying a lot so that's a good indication I have to grieve more I'd say! (btw when I said it took therapy to get me to date again, I was referring to over 4 years ago before this boyfriend.) I think I forget to be nice to me sometimes and I put silly pressure on myself to be okay.

I've been hiding how upset I am from my friends....maybe I should make a call or two and have a good chat...Thanks Anthony. I often forget I'm not super woman.