Relationship Question For Sufferers From A Carer

[Livy's Mom]

When you leave your spouce/relationships abruptly, what is really going on in your mind? What are your rationizations at that time for making such drastic decisions? Do you battle with yourself like good vs evil? If you start to change your mind does pride keep you from making it right?

I know this is a very broad question and every person is different but I was hoping to get many perspectives on this.

I am currently going through this with my sufferer. Again. I think it would help me to understand what might be going on in that handsome head of his. It may help me have patience which sometimes wears thin.

Thanks in advance for any insight :)

 

[p-no]

Hi Livy's Mom,

I don't leave (or did not leave) my spouse abruptly ever. Once, that was when the relationship had gotten quite bad, approx. year 8 or 9, I went away for a night because I needed time and space to think. I told him that. Sometimes I would go for a walk alone and would tell him that also. If he was not there, I'd leave a note. Sometimes I would turn my mobile of, but for hours, not days. I do believe any person may do this and this is not the PTSD in me.

Do I battle with myself like good vs. evil? Yes, sometimes. That is when e.g. my thoughts say "yes" to an option but my feeling says "no". In addition, when others comment and have other views, those go into the mix. When I try to think of everything, come up with options, think and feel things through that I get confused. It is not always clear to me what I really want. Plus all the things other people think is "right" or "wrong", plus what my belief systems say plus what my former belief systems and experiences say... That really sometimes is good vs. evil. In order to find out what I really want, really need and really will do, I need to be alone. What I do then is see above.

If you start to change your mind does pride keep you from making it right?

Could you explain what you mean by this? Change my mind about what? I can't see why when I change my mind I should automatically be wrong and have to make something right.

Have you asked him what goes through his head?

 

[Livy's Mom]

Thanks for your response prime-no. I would like to clarify what I mean by does pride get in the way. My spouce has multiple times left when we have blowouts. He doesn't think things through when this happens and makes decision when he is in a rage. He makes the decision to end the relationship permanently and typically tells everyone in our family and our friends that it's over and he's never coming back. Once his rage ends and he comes back down it seems as though he always wants to make amends and come back home.

My question was after these incidents happen is it harder for someone with PTSD to accept what they have done in the throws of an episode.

I have tried to talk to him about what goes on in his head. Unfortunately he doesn't want to talk about these types of things. When we are having conflict he doesn't want to talk at all and insists it is over. When we reconsile he just says the situation is over now and he just wants to move forward and forget about it.

So you can see why I am left wondering what happens in the mind of a sufferer. It leaves me baffled as to how I am supposed to handle this.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I would say for me pride (and also the fighting of my own loss of control - not control over others) occasionally gets in the way but I think that has nothing to do with PTSD, it's something I've seen in other people (mostly males but also my Nan - she's feisty! - in a good way though). I would also say that when a argument or fall out is over I'm so exhaustedly relieved and still feel very bruised that I can't talk about it then, or if I must I seek reassurance (I'm sure that must be irritating for others). If someone wanted to address an issue with me that typically arose during fallouts, I would want to be talked to about it neither in the run up or aftermath of a row and whenever we did talk I would prefer non ammunised examples or none at all. Again this is just for me. :)

Edited to add: usually after a fall out I isolate my self in my room (the only safe place I know) and sleep a lot. Someone usually coaxes me down, but depending on the severity of the argument I lose grip, start dissociating a lot and it can take weeks to get back to some semblance of normality. Even after I know I'm ok with the people I fell out with that loss of control over myself, over my own emotions is crippling.

AJ
xx

 

[Spring]

Hi Livy...
my sweetheart would do the exact thing to me. It could be somethin' so simple that would set him off, it wouldn't merit a breakup, but he would just blow up and end it right then and there. The best thing to do in the situation is to give hime space, space, and more space.

Honestly, what goes through thier mind at that moment is "I just can't handle all of this and need to get out". Don't take it personally, Livy, it's common behavior for them to react this way to stressful situations... Most of the time, once they've had time to think and process thier thoughts, they do feel badly about how they treat us, and guilt sets in.

durin' these times of "episodes", as I like to call them, try to find things to do that will keep you happy and positive. Stay busy with your friends and family. I have a little somethin' that I do to help me=)

Hope this helps, Livy. Shoot me a message any time you need an ear.

 

[Abstract]

Like Prime No I don't leave. I always keep in mind how my behaviour is affecting him even though I am often unable to get past a block. Emotionally I certainly leave even though I try to pretend I haven't. When I feel like that (a lot of the time I am afraid) everyone and everything feels threatening and emotional contact of any type does too. Even at the best of times I cannot sleep in a bed and sleep on the sofa instead. I seldom feel OK with more emotional contact but I try to make small gestures when I feel more able.

I certainly understand the need to get away though and relate to feeling that I cannot cope with the connection in any way.

I also do not rage. Anger is something that is generally only turned inwards although I have managed to access it more effectively in appropriate situations in recent years.

hat has nothing to do with PTSD,

I agree that pride is about personality rather than PTSD. And maybe armed forces training encourages the rage reflex. I imagine if someone is that way inclined and are triggered that it would definitely worsen their pride issues as they will possibly be feeling threatened under the rage.

I wonder if you could do some joint therapy as it seems to me he has a lot to learn about taking responsibility for his actions. An outside party is much more likely to get through to him.

Sounds darn tricky!

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I imagine if someone is that way inclined and are triggered that it would definitely worsen their pride issues as they will possibly be feeling threatened under the rage.

Also what may genuinely prevent them is less likely to be pride but more likely to be genuine guilt/shame at their behaviour and them not liking to admit that because that feels that it would only bring more. Wanting to seek forgiveness/normality but feeling that you'd only be making the situation worse and you only ever make the situation worse, it would be better for everyone involved if you weren't around so that you couldn't do that again. Also pride can make that worse, but it's bad enough on it's own. In my opinion.

 

[Abstract]

I agree with kas. Quite possibly more that than anything else for many.

 

[safenow]

When I had a companion (room mate) who really got along well with me, when I'd have a melt-down, I couldn't get her to leave for her own safety, so I'd leave. Then, when things calmed down, I'd come back. I can't really tell you how many times that happened, nor for how long I'd be gone. In my mind, I was doing it to protect her. She was like I picture a mother would have been. I never want to hurt, or cause anyone to be hurt because of me and my PTSD.

When I was married, he left me when I got physically ill, so I can't really say what would have happened if we had stayed together. Sorry, I'm sure this is not helping.

 

[Livy's Mom]

I have found all of the responses are helpful. It has been difficult for me to talk to my spouse about PTSD and although every person is not the same, it helps me to hear your perspective of many of these situations. Due to our lack of communication I'm often left to create elaborate reasons and justifications for his actions most of which I blame on myself.

I have been educating myself here on the forum and elsewhere to help better understand and it is helping but to hear from all of you is REALLY helping me to remember that all of these scenarios i'm creating in my mind are fiction and causing far more heartache than necessary.

I spend a lot of time trying to decipher his behavior like a code. After reading this I feel slightly silly because he has told me many of the things you all have said above.... I was for some reason refusing to accept this could be the only reason for his actions. I keep searching for a reason specific to me. What's up with that is the new question for myself.

This thread has made me think that I should be focusing a little more on why I'm so hell bent on thinking there MUST be something wrong with me!

 

[Spring]

You're feelin' this way becasue it's easier to believe the worst. Also, it's so much easier for us to wrap our head around a reason that is more tangible. Unfortunately, PTSD is like fog. You can't feel it, but it's there. There is absolutely nothin' wrong with you, Livy's Mom.

 

[safenow]

Nothing wrong with you, Livy. Nothing. I'm just sorry that you are stuck in the spot you are in.

Now its time for you to heal yourself, and learn to accept that it is not your fault. Good luck.