Relationships, What Is Expected, What Do You Do?

[saffy]

I can to realise, scarily that I do not think I have ever had a proper relationship and spent most of my life single.

I was thinking about what you do in a relationship.

What do you do in a relationship about talking, sharing and connecting. I realised I have absolutely no idea what to do.

I watch others easily get a relationship going long term, everyone I know is in a long term relationship. I cannot even get past the first month. I am doing something wrong I know but what it is I do not know.

I know I always have to be drunk or other to have sex, I just cannot relax unless I am. I am 46 and not one of my sexual encounters have been sober. Even in a relationship.

I know I have major issues in this area too.

When I consider myself a thoughtful, considerate and honest person with integrity and morals, I see some of the most horrible people in relationships. How is this?

sorry just very confused on life.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Kaleb Bushue]

Relationship are difficult on all us regardless. Your not doing anything many of us bounce around. Before I meet my current love interest (she's a sufferer) I couldn't tell you how many drunken one night stands I had because I don't remember. It just takes the right person to come a long and show you. As far as the drunken sex thing goes take a little "me time" while sober and let it escalate from there. Stay positive love finds us all =)

 

[p-no]

I see some of the most horrible people in relationships.

Saffy, just because they're in relationships doesn't mean they're happy. Doesn't mean they're good relationships, healthy ones where you would feel safe and loved.

In my whole life, I have seen about two relationships up close that seemed what I would think a healthy, good relationship is. All others I would not want or myself, ended up in nonetheless, now aimed (working so far) at not repeating it again.

 

[p-no]

I cannot even get past the first month. I am doing something wrong

That's what I used to think, I was so convinced that this was true. Then I learned about relationships more (therapy, adjusting my view on others, etc.) and found that, hey, it's not a bad thing I couldn't get mine past the first month or year or couldn't keep my marriage going. Actually, it was a good thing I couldn't! And I didn't do anything wrong when I left, but it was the right thing to do. And even when I was left by someone, it was the right thing because if he had stayed for the reasons he became involved it would have been the wrong reasons as far as I'm concerned.

What I'm trying to say is: Maybe you didn't do anything wrong. Maybe they ended because you did something right.

 

[Phenioxrising]

Theirs a saying in common sense, that you attract who you think you deserve. Sometimes we unconsciously project the image of our abusers onto the people we choose to fall in love with. To correct this we have to know the signs of an abuser, once we get to know them. Also get the hell out of dodge before any further damage is done.

 

[p-no]

Another thing my therapist said, and I think she is right, is that you have to get to know a person to a certain degree before being able to tell what type of person he/she is. What I mean is I had been wondering for years why I had ended up with abusive men. Then I did some "analysis" and found that they actually deserved an Oscar for their acting! They literally were different people at the beginning and changed big-time when they "had" me. I felt like a mouse ending up in a mousetrap.

What I'm saying is anyone (generally speaking) can be or become abusive. It's important to keep your eyes, mind and feelings open at all times in relationships of any kind. I'm not talking control or OCD, I'm just talking being in reality, noticing what's happening, noticing what you're feeling, what you're thinking, validating yourself and taking steps immediately.

 

[dms]

Hello All,

I decided I needed the support of the forum even thought my CPTSD dumped me as soon as he received his 100% disability back money last month.

I am feeling very DEPRESSED! I was suppose to start a free program at my local community college to get unemployed folks back to work, in a field where there is a high demand in my state. I was going to take classes to get a certificate in network It/security but instead I emailed the program administrator last night and said that I was too sick to start class and requested a possible reschedule? Really right now, I Don't Want To Do Anything New! This is how I have lost several jobs over the years too. I go out on federal family leave for my craziness and never come back. There is a definite pattern in my life of self sabotage. I can't stop crying and I feel like a Fool. I stark text my CPTSD until he finally told me he had "someone else, and to stop for the ten time". It just amazes me because we were close and told eachother everything until mid December. Now you found "The One"? Wow!

Back to relationships, hmm I've been married/divorced three times. Each time for security because I was in a financial bid and met Mr Wonderful or I was rebounding. My last marriage was actually ten years to a man who really loved me. He eventually started having a emotional affair and left me because he couldn't make "Me" happy. The fact is I've been looking for love in all the wrong places all my life. No wonder even Mr CPTSD left me too, after I helped him in every area of his life. Oh, the men I have truly loved and gave my heart too have been either married (I found out later, but we see what we want to see) and wanted to still hang on to me.

HEARTBREAKING SITUATION for some one who has not been diagnosed as having PTSD but I think I have had major trauma/self esteem issues since I was twelve.

I found out that my therapist has been out of town for ten days, that explains why she hasn't return 3 of my urgent message to come talk to her. Oh by the way. I joined a dating site the other day. I was really feeling down. I've been getting a lot of attention because I'm basically a pretty girl but, I can't give my number out yet. I'm just not ready. I also have male friends in my life that would love to be with me but I only fall in love with Unavailable Men..

I have been diagnosed has being Bi-polar 2 but I believe that there is even more mentally wrong with me then just that. I attach myself emotionally to whoever I'm seeing and have a hard time letting go. I'm sure that's one of the things that drove Mr CPTSD away. I was there for him through all his crazy episodes but he couldn't handle my neediness. Whoa is me!!! Pity on my soul..I'm so alone..My theme song..

I also overspend when I'm depressed too. I've been buying expensive designer purses on Ebay lately (I have sold some too cover my losts) or I usually go on a beautiful vacation and figure out my bills later. I know I have serious avoidances issues. I'm a real nut job right..lol people actually think I have money and admire my life because I'm just a FAKER in public. I've been spending a lot time with God lately and it has helped me not do even more stupid things in my life.

Ok I'm done for now!! Sorry, I'm all over the blast Blah Blah Blah..

 

[saffy]

What I'm trying to say is: Maybe you didn't do anything wrong. Maybe they ended because you did something right.

Bless you Prime-no but it is too much of a coincidence for me not to believe that the problem is mine and no one else's. Ok I do pick the wrong guys most of the time, I know that, but even with the good ones five minutes down the road and they are telling me they cannot give me what I need. (not sure what that is though, I only want a mate)

I have never been able to connect properly and in the whole of my life if I add up the relationships durations it would come to about 15 months worth in all. I am 46 now. The rest of my time I have been single, sometimes by choice, normally cos I resigned myself to stop getting in a position where I would be rejected, again.

Theirs a saying in common sense, that you attract who you think you deserve.

Very true, But I have a list of qualities I look for and would not put up with certain stuff, so I do not just take in anyone. I go for people out of my comfort zone, who I think are mature enough to do this, and yet still they run a mile. I am not even sure what I am doing wrong, that is the point.

I have never had a best friend either, come to think of it.

Thanks for sharing your story dms.

best regards
Saffy :)

 

[p-no]

Saffy, my posting what I did does not mean it applies to you, but it could. Just one last thing re this:

even with the good ones five minutes down the road and they are telling me they cannot give me what I need

I always judged my guys as good guys. They had good qualities, endearing traits. They had Asperger's Syndrome, too, and the "standard sentence" I was given was that exact one. Funny thing is, I wouldn't believe it because I thought so poorly of myself. The truth was though that they literally could not give me what I need(ed). Because I need connection, I need to be seen and heard with regard to what I need emotionally (although and despite the fact that I talk about wants, needs, feelings, etc.). I need things, due to all my abuse, that an autistic partner can not give. This is not about them, this is about me. And it does not mean that I need excessively. It just means that we don't match for a healthy relationship.

 

[saffy]

Oh I see prime no, I thought you were commenting on my problem, not yours. Thanks for sharing.

best regards
Saffy

 

[NarcSis]

Relationships are never magical wonderful worlds of love and companionship. They take WORK. Learning what you can and can't put up with is based on your values - if your self value is low, you will seek out those you feel are "worthy" of you and you will deem all others 'out of your league.'

Getting what you 'deserve', means being completely honest about what you want from a partner. Write those down. Ask yourself if what you want is based on trauma induced value system. Re-evaluate and rework those if you need to. Make the change with you first.

In the early days of my relationship, I looked at him as a potential good friend, we became that because I was relaxed and myself, not trying to portray myself as something i felt he would like. Once that step was achieved it just grew from there. We are Best Friends, I wouldn't trade my hubby for anyone even though most days I'd love to strangle him. :)

 

[saffy]

if your self value is low, you will seek out those you feel are "worthy" of you and you will deem all others 'out of your league.'

This is very true, thank you Medic. I do not value myself if I think about it. I have very low self esteem.

I looked at him as a potential good friend,

I think this is true too. I believe that you should be best friends with your lover. I cannot get to the good friend bit either. I consider myself a good friend to people and will put their needs first. Maybe that is my problem?

I suppose what I am trying to say is that I have no idea how to connect to people in that way, I have never had a good friend, ever.

I sit here now and think about all the people I know and I would not consider any of them a good friend. It is always very one sided. In the past if I have ever put my needs across I am always rejected and ignored so find it hard to do so now. If that makes sense.

As a female though I do have other needs and the only way to find some sort of intimacy is through drunken one night stands. I cannot be intimate sober. Maybe that is my next problem?

boy, I have a lot to work on eh :) I am not in therapy, long waiting list, so I have to try and get answers and support from on here. Which is great but I could really do with a hug and someone just to say things will be OK.

I think is that too much too ask?

best wishes
Saffy :)

I was relaxed and myself, not trying to portray myself as something i felt he would like.

Ps, I try to be myself but this is what is driving them away, and I have no idea what I am doing wrong. I do not get any feedback. It is very frustrating because it reinforces my thoughts about myself. How can I value myself if I am not valued by anyone?