Religion Causing A Rift

[Blondie362]

I have been having a really hard time in the past year, I lost a number of friends to cancer and my mum last year was diagnosed with cancer, so I have been in a pretty dark place. My PTSD has been pretty much off the scale and I am still in therapy and trying stave off this dark cloud that's surrounding me 24/7.

So that's what has been happening to me in the past few months, I used to have a faith but that's long gone, the issue I have that's causing a rift between me and my sister is that she became a born again christian 18 months ago.. I respect her thoughts however... and this is the biggie - is that she's gone into what I can only describe as a converted " preacher" .. all she talks about is church , god - how I am like I am because I don't have faith and should go to church, even my Mum has noticed the change in her, she doesn't seem to have her own mind anymore, everything is quotes and anecdotes and people that don't think the way she does are basically doomed. Part of my therapy was to try and open up to my family and tell them about how I am feeling so I am making them aware of my dark days and why I am like I am, I tried this with my sister and it was just hopeless. Her house now resembles a library of religious books, self help books and she has she unable to talk in a normal way without stepping in the parapet and going into preacher mode again.

I consider myself to be a spiritual person rather than religious, and everything she does is down to God, when I asked her ( and this was a genuine question I was asking, not to rile her) why has your God taken my friends from me at such an early age, her answer was mumbling about genetics, devil and basically it was their time to be with god.. however when my mum, thank goodness had her surgery for her cancer and the surgeons think they have it all, that's a miracle from God she announces. All this is really starting to get me down she knows I am an athiest and continues to go and and on and I am seeing the divide getting huge between us. I don't have a problem with anyone who is religious , I have christian friends who are good people that don't keep going on and on about their faith! any suggestions how to approach this without a full blown split, I love her- she's my sister, but its not just me that's noticed her messiah like preaching.

She accused me of having constant digs at her which isn't true, I have deliberately never entered into analytic conversation because she's always right in her eyes the way I feel at the moment its kinda like she's sticking a piece of steak into the face of a vegan and asking them to eat it !!

I am in no way disrespecting anyone who is a born again christian on here, just speaking about how this has affected not just me, but my Mum and her people around her, who look at her as if to say " wow".. really ? and not in a good way.

We used to be so close and feel very sad that her free spirit and thinking has gone, and she continues to forget what I have been through past and currently with the loss of my friends and carries on talking about very little else other than the church and god, and we used to be have good laughs and talks about all sorts, and I miss that dreadfully.

 

[Friday]

I had an epiphany a while back when my brother went through a similar phase.

All of his "you" statements were backwards.

People who don't ... Are going to hell. = I'm afraid of going to hell.
People who don't ... Have bad things happen to them. = I blame myself for everything bad that's ever happened to me.
If you don't... Then you're going to be miserable. = I'm miserable when I don't, I don't want you to feel like I felt.
Death, destruction, satan, demons, doom, pain, misery = I'm scared. I'm so very scared that no matter how good I am or how hard I work, everything could be taken from me in a moment. & Not all bad things that happen are my fault. I can let go of some of the blame. Maybe. But only only if I do this other thing.

It was all a big convoluted "I love you", enmeshed with a lot of fear, self loathing, doubt, and pain.

That's the difference, I've found, between people who are very religious... And people who are very religious and obnoxious about it. (Not including extremists in this, that's a whole different thing). It has nothing to do with the merits of the religion itself, it has to do with the person. Is their religion a part of who they are? Or have they lost their identity, so everything is directed outward? You & People statements, instead of I statements. Like the classic anger management joke: I don't need to control my anger, you people need to stop pissing me off.

With my brother, I stopped hearing his "you" statements and started hearing "I". And then responded accordingly. Including rephrasing when necessary. Let me love on him instead of throttling him.

 

[scout86]

I hope she's just "going through a phase"!

So you know, I call myself a Christian and I do that because I like the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth and do my best to live by them. (Often don't come very close to actually succeeding!) I've known, and loved, a few people who really were in to the "born again/ evangelizing" aspect of things. If they'd read "The Book" and pay attention, they'd probably notice that Jesus met and accepted people where they were and never tried to force his views on anyone. There's a lesson there for budding evangelists. It's better to live your life and let that count for something.

Sometimes, early on, there IS a kind of over the top enthusiasm that takes over and people can be pretty obnoxious. A lot of times they out grown that. (We can only hope!) I don't know that I can offer much for advice. My own approach tends to be kind of an analytical, "Where, exactly, does it say that?" approach that mostly annoys people. You can't reason with someone who's not being reasonable. I think Fridayjones has a good way to look at it.

As far as the "Why does God.....?" questions go, I'm with you, I have a bunch of those myself. The fact is (in my world view it's a "fact"), a lot of this stuff we just don't know. I don't think "God" ever promised "simple and uncomplicated". There's no place I'm aware of when "easy" is promised, or even that things will make sense. That's why they call it "faith". It's a lot harder to have faith when you can't see the answers. When things don't make sense, and you're afraid, sometimes it's easier to create a different universe where everything functions by predictable rules. Maybe that's what your sister is doing. (Too bad it doesn't seem to be the universe we actually live in?!)

I hope, for all of your sakes, she's just going through a phase!

 

[Blondie362]

Thank you for your replies, as always on this board , members come in with a very gentle non judgmental manner and I appreciate it , I just want to say I love my sister so much, but I would love her to be the free thinker she was and not a book quoter ( not just the bible) Fridayjones, what you said made alot of sense , without going into details about my sister's life .. you made sense!.. thank you :)

Scout86 - thank you, maybe the over the top preaching will fizzle out and she will accept that her feelings are great for her life, but also accept that not every one lives, are book doctrine nor every thing in life is fluffy and great and some of us are going through some pretty hard crap that won't be fixed by religion alone.. I do have a feeling as Fridayjones pointed out it could be a deflection from how she feels about herself on to me and others.

Thanks guys:tup:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am crossing my fingers that this is just a phase but it reeks of what is called legalism. The Pharisees of Jesus days on earth were legalist and he got very angry at them because they were driving people away from God. I read this in the bible.

Aparently your sister is acting like she is in a religious cult. This is the way she is searching for answers and I believe it is a trap.

I really feel for you with her because you lost your sister to her religion.

All you can do it seems is to not get into any conversations about religion with her at this time. I pray that she will wake up and escape the hold this religion has over her.

You are an innocent in this experience with your sister and I really feel your loss of her. I empathize with you greatly at this time. Hugs.

 

[shandemonium]

I had an epiphany a while back when my brother went through a similar phase.

All of his "you" statements were backwards.

People who don't ... Have bad things happen to them. = I blame myself for everything bad that's ever happened to me.
If you don't... Then you're going to be miserable. = I'm miserable when I don't, I don't want you to feel like I felt.
Death, destruction, satan, demons, doom, pain, misery = I'm scared. I'm so very scared that no matter how good I am or how hard I work, everything could be taken from me in a moment.

So Brilliant and so true.

Your post (all of you really) gave me a better understanding of my own family. My mom and all her sisters became "born again" Christians and are the extreme kind. They would rebuke demons from the house, the furniture, the dog lol (funny but not funny). I woke up in the middle of the night to groups of people with their hands on me calling Satan out, keeping me "safe" from demons. In 2nd grade, I did a book report on a crazy book about demon possession because that was around the house and I didn't know any better (I still remember the look on my teachers face!). One time the dog knocked over the bottle of veggie oil and was licking it up off the carpet (they were distracted, speaking tongue sitting in a circle). When they saw what the dog did, they all freaked and said Satan was attacking their prayer circle. I was only 9 and remember thinking "these people are nuts"

This is how they cope with their own ptsd, cope being the word instead of "heal". I always use to say when I was using meth/crack (not any more don't worry) that my mom uses Jesus like crack, and I decided crack was more fun.

My only point is that it's kind of like watching someone get a drug habit. You can't really do anything. The UPside is she can't O.D. on jesus or get sent to prison for possession/sale of jesus. But you must focus on your own healing and accept that this is her path and you've just got to walk yours.

Love and healing to both you and your sister! Thing about having a sister is she will always be your sister!! :) Give it some time

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I remember when I was walking my dog and and a hard core Christina which I believed had toxic faith preached at me. I told her I was so glad I did not have to do that because of Gods grace. She told me that her whole family was abusing her because of her faith.

They are the ones sucked into the legalism of toxic faith. She avoided me after that.

It is so tragic and sad. nothing you can do about it until they wake up and see that their toxic faith is not working for them.

 

[Blondie362]

Thank you for your posting guys, I did have to go to the doctors yesterday and my sister came with me as she knows I am an extreme needle phobic, and the time sat waiting for it to be done she held my hand, and I kept telling me how brave I am and "came with me as I have been there for her".. I know I am a wuss, but having that connection with her was just lovely.. and she even cancelled something important to come with me, so for that hour I had that old sister sister connection back.

Shes' a kind person, but I just wish the church talk would subside, it makes me so bad about myself that I can't be where she feels she is and she says she feels so happy and uplifted - and that's down to god, then I guess my face changed as she said she went to a convention over the weekend and ended up on the floor because she was touched by the holy spirit when a preacher prayed for her and laid his hands on her, part of me thinks " well its making her happy".. the other part is sad because I see a girl with a mind so open to anything, you could tell her the moon was made of cheese and she would believe it.

Hugs to all x

 

[Britt.f7]

You just keep loving her. Tell her it is not helping you having her preach at you though you know she means well. Hopefully this will settle down with her over time. It did my father. In the mean time it is okay to ask for a time out. I wish you well.

 

[arfie]

Several family members and I set up non-descript comments to signal one another when we are reaching a saturation point with the topics that interest the speaker more than the listener. It allows us to draw boundaries without dampening the enthusiasm of the speaker too much. "How 'bout them cowboys." is the most popular one in my circle. It does nothing more than suggest a subject change. With respect on both sides, it works beautifully for us.

Gentle support while you sort what works for you, Blondie.