Reliving My Life In My Sleep

[soulsearcher]

Hello my friends! I feel like I am going crazy! I haven't slept for 3 nights now since reliving my past in my last sleep. This is hard to write about but I will do my best to explain.

***may contain triggers *****

In my sleep I am in my early teenage years. One of my abusers is giving me the beating of my life. But my T is there and she is forced to watch. My abuser keeps telling her how much I deserve this because I am a bad, awful, etc. I can't look at my T because I don't want her to see my pain. When my abuser finally stops beating me, he starts yelling at me that it's all my fault for what he has to do next. My abuser makes me tell my T that it is all my fault and he does something really bad to her. When my abuser is finished his last words to me is I told you to keep your mouth shut.

I woke up and my body felt like I was hit by a truck. Fear is eating me up inside. I feel that I should tell my T that I feel I am putting her in trouble by talking about my past. I don't want her to think I am crazy. It's just that the fear is so real, my anxiety is through the roof.

I'm not sure what to do and wondering if anyone could give words of wisdom.

Thanks for listening! Phew that was hard to write!

 

[seedling]

Sorry you've had to endure that. You are breaking out of the pattern of not telling, holding it all in. The fear that was instilled in you is rising to the top, you are breaking it's hold on you by getting help now.

Can you get a hot bath? I've started taking epsom salt baths when the physical pain manifests. You can get a package of the salts at a pharmacy and dissolve it in the bath and soak for at least 15 minutes. The natural magnesium is a muscle relaxant and for me the relief lasts a while.

You are not crazy. Those fears used to be real and you cared about not putting others in danger by telling. Now you can work on facing them (phew!) with the help you deserve. Ask your T to help you figure out some coping strategies now that you know what the fears are.

Take care.

 

[franciemarnie]

Sometimes we internalize the abuser. Maybe your dream is reflecting the natural conflict you would feel in telling your T stuff - the healthy inherently good person you always were v the abusive persona who says, Don't ever tell! Or else!

They can't hurt your T. I see this as healthy because your therapy must be getting close to the core, which is "dangerous" to the perpetuation of the abusive persona within. Therapy may destroy that construct so there is unconscious conflict.

My two cents. I know it is stressful though. Self comfort to the max!

 

[Hashi]

I think it's important to tell your therapist. That's what she's there for. We're not meant to guard what we say in therapy. If I'd held back on saying things that I thought might make me seem crazy, I don't think I'd have had anything to say!

Are you in a safe situation now? If so, then you can't be putting your therapist in trouble. However, I understand the feeling of threat. After I was attacked, I didn't dare report it for fear of how my attackers would respond. At the time it really was too dangerous to tell anyone. Years later, talking in therapy and completely safe from them, it still made me feel that they were going to come and get me.

I'm going to suggest that your dream is about processing more than reliving. Your therapist being there demonstrates that - it shows that with therapy you're "changing" what happened in the past/the effects of it. At the moment that's bringing up fear and turmoil, but dreams like this are to help our awareness and show us what we need to work on.

It sounds like your dream is reflecting how strongly (and wrongly) your abusers have made you blame yourself, how hard it is to change that, and how disruptive it is to the mind to talk about it after being threatened into silence in the past. Dreams like this are distressing, but I think you need to talk to your therapist so you can work on this. Also so you can re-establish a sense of safety and being in the present.

You could take what you've posted here to therapy to share, if that would make it easier to explain. I think your therapist would understand, wouldn't think you're crazy, and would be glad to have the chance to help you with this.

 

[soulsearcher]

Thank you for your kind words.

Unfortunately I am now on day 4 of no sleep. I called my T unfortunately she is off today. I can't seem to ground myself or decrease the anxiety or fear.

I am going to try your suggestions and see if I can get some sleep.

If not I will have to go to crisis center. Which I really am not comfortable with!! Scares me more actually.

 

[seedling]

Hope you're OK, dear. Let us know how it's going.