Repeating Theme In Nightmares

[lux.]

I have a repeating theme to a lot of my nightmares that's extremely disturbing to me. I don't remember having any sexual trauma until I was 28, but a lot of my nightmares are sexual in nature and sometimes I'm a child in them.

Most of the time in the dreams, I am trying to get men to have sex with me or sexually abuse me. I feel such intense shame in the morning because of it. I think that there are a few reasons to it. One is that I always feel like my sexual trauma was my fault. The mostly deeply shameful thing in my life has been that I sought out a partner for domination/submission sex because I wanted the feeling of being used or something. It turned out to be the worst experience in my life, but I've always felt so intensely ashamed of even thinking about those things and especially acting upon it. This is something I've only told my therapist about.

Another reason could be that I think I might have been sexually abused as a child but don't remember it. Two psych professionals have suggested that this is true, and I have some weird inexplicable symptoms, like this intense intrusive image that would come over me at night and wouldn't leave and really terrified me. But just entertaining the idea that I might not remember something like that is another thing I feel deeply ashamed about because a lot of people don't believe in dissociative amnesia and I feel like maybe I'm just trying to be attention-seeking, although I've only ever told one person about it. And it never occurred to me until a psychiatrist said I showed "signs of sexual abuse" and I screamed at him when he said that and then at some point snapped back to attention when he called my name and I was staring at the floor.

I haven't talked to my therapist about this theme to my nightmares because I'm struggling with behaviors right now and I don't think it's the right time to delve into something that makes me feel so shameful. I'm just wondering if anyone else has this kind of nightmare ever. Hopefully it'll help to alleviate the shame if I know I'm not the only one.

 

[Jnean]

Your not alone. Those nightmares sound terrifying. I too have had my share of nightmares. My t just told me that I may not feel ready or even remember more than fragments but that my body is ready and does remember. Things like your nightmares would be an example as to how it interrupts your life. For me, I am done with all of the unwanted interruptions so that can be my motivation. I'm sorry I don't have much to say that can be helpful, just wanted to say we all have our own experiences but i just know your not alone.

 

[j1999]

you shouldn't feel ashamed for the dreams you have. we can't control our dreams. often they reflect repressed feelings or things that you are worried about, but sometimes parts of them are just random. i myself had a dream last night that my abuser appeared at a jam tasting event... weird... i also have dreams that make me feel guilty e.g, there is a sort of "role reversal" and i am the perpetrator of abuse rather than the victim, or dreams where i am a child. please try not to feel guilty, you aren't alone and this isnt your fault. try your best to talk to your therapist about it. they might be able to help. best wishes :)