Childhood Repressed memories?

[Lolla]

Hi! Some time ago I read that some people repress memories of sexual abuse and now it's all I think about. Someone specific that's been around a lot from when I was around 1-4 years old popped up in my head when I first read about it. Could it be possible that something happened to me that I can't remember - but is it even possible to remember abuse before the age of 3-4 in the first place?
Okay so; there's things from my childhood and adult life that I think are a bit off. I only remember some parts of my childhood. I think it's weird that I don't remember my sister living with us or barely any interaction with her.
I was a really angry child. I'm told that I was never spoiled, but that it was really unpredictable, explosive and intense kind of anger. At the same time, I always felt like someone was angry at me and that I did something wrong. I kept asking my parents if they're mad, I needed constant reassurement and attention. My mom tells that I had a few weird episodes where I would suddenly breakdown and cry and when she asked me what's wrong, I couldn't explain.
I'm a 22 year old woman now and I'm incredibly emotionally unstable. I burst out in tears, anger or panic pretty quick. I'm ashamed after I lose my temper, especially if I cry - I generally avoid being heard or noticed or I feel like I shouldn't be. I'm still very afraid that I'm gonna say or do something wrong that will make someone angry. I'm very controlling and possessive of people I love. I was otherwise always shy and quiet and I've never been good at saying no to people - that includes anything sexual.
I also refused to sleep alone and in the dark. My mom had to put me to bed, leave the light on and even then I didn't fall asleep until she went to bed with me and I could feel safe. I couldn't sleep alone until I was 10 and since then I always slept with a light on. Even now, if I don't take sleeping pills, I struggle to sleep. If I have nightmares I'm usually trying to escape someone/trying to run away.
I had this faint memory of a lotion my mom used to use on me. She told me the other day that I often had some kind of rash around my mouth and that I would constantly cry about my private area being sore really bad.
I really don't remember how old I was at this point, but I can remember playing with dollies in sexual ways - I'd always force them on one another and I can remember fantasizing of having doll sized people I could do those things to (awful, I know.) I knew all of that was wrong because I can remember checking the door to see if anyone can see me, or I would be playing in the closet where I liked to hide a lot.
I neglected my body and hygiene a lot when I was younger. I never felt good about my body. I still don't feel comfortable in the summer when I have to wear less clothing and I struggle with so many insecurities. As a teenager, my arms were covered in self harm scars, I dropped out of school, I took a lot of drugs and put myself in dangerous situations with men, even married ones.

I have a sexual dysfunction (vaginismus). I saw a gynecologist about it and I was told it was psychological. I generally avoid going there at all costs, I haven't even gotten help for my extremely painful periods. I was never even able to use a tampon and when I tried to lose my virginity I froze up and felt like I wasn't fully present.
This one might sound funny, but male genitalia always made me feel so uncomfortable, I'm afraid to touch it. Anything related to sex that's supposed to be natural has always made me feel so dirty and disgusting. And yet, I've always been preoccupied with sex, more than most of my friends. I get these unwanted, sexual, nasty thoughts at really inappropriate times with men I don't even find attractive. I tend to obsess over older men. I'm especially interested in ones that seem to have questionable morals. I know that's awful - I have rape fantasies often, but sometimes I feel like if anything like that happened to me it would on me because of what I'm thinking.
But I can never imagine having an intercourse and then cuddle afterwards, if that makes sense? Sometimes after I masturbate all I want to do is be alone, I feel ashamed and almost depressed.
Anytime my mom tried to give me 'the talk' I'd get mad and defensive. I still get really uncomfortable when someone tries to bring up anything sexual, sometimes it feels like a threat. Since I started dating, whenever a guy asked me out, the first thing that would pop up in the back of my head was rape for some reason. It's always been there, but only in the last few years it's gotten bad to the point that I've started to avoid dating at all. Well, also because I was never able to have a healthy, stable relationship with anyone.

I think it's super weird how obsessed I am with childish things. I sleep with my teddybear that I've had since I was born, I keep and put on clothes that I wore as a child and I have a pacifier that I like to chew when I'm nervous, which is exactly what I did when I was a child - when I didn't have it, I bit my nails, photos, dolls, etc.

I experience dissociation, nothing too extreme, I will just suddenly feel like I'm in a dream or slow-motion, or that people around me aren't real, that I'm watching everything from far away and sometimes I'm not sure if I can control my motor skills. When I was younger, I used to say that I feel like I'm "jumping out of my body".
Through most of my life I've dealt with social anxiety, panic attacks, paranoia, depression and suicidal behaviors. There was always this persistent feeling that something is wrong with me, that I'm crazy, detached from others and that I can't fit in or do what most "normal" people can do.
I know that all of those things can be a result of anything else and I certainly don't want to create false memories, let alone accuse anyone of something so horrific. I just can't shake off the feeling that something happened that I don't know about and it's driving me insane. I have a therapist, but I'm too afraid to mention it to her. What if she thinks I'm making it up? What if I'm trying to remember something that isn't there? Shouldn't I remember at least something if anything happened? What if there really is just something wrong with me?

Although, my therapist and I did talk about how unpleasant memories can be complicated. For example, when I was around 5 or 6, I got really sick (sepsis) and I barely survived. Obviously, I couldn't remember anything from the day that I was rushed to the hospital, but I could remember one thing very specifically when I was fully conscious again; and that was my mom caressing my back before she left me at the hospital. Everything else seemed as if it didn't happen at all.

I'm sorry that this is so long, I really needed to get it off my chest.

 

[Thinkbig]

I'm glad you found your way to this site! The more I read what others share, the more I realize how much I have in common.

is it even possible to remember abuse before the age of 3-4 in the first place?

I'm 37 and still have very few memories. I guess many would see this as a gift, but I too feel like so many pieces are missing. The memories I do have come differently than those from when I'm older. Interestingly, I've read pre verbal trauma can also be dealt with differently than talk therapy. I still sleep cacooned with pillows in front and behind me.

Pre verbal trauma for me comes with overwhelming fear and emotions too big for me to handle as I also feel like a child when they come. It's easy to flip the switch and disassociate as I did when I was 3-5.

It's been a process to realize I'm a combination of my past experiences but also new strength. Its ok for me to find people that I can rely on and start building trust. I can ask for help. I can allow myself to feel. I don't have to deny myself a voice anymore.

Best wishes to you! And of course, feel free to message me

 

[Klo]

You have a lot of red flags that you were sexually abused at a very young age. It is also true that in many cases, people who were sexually abused at very young ages (0-4) will never be able to remember it in the same way that a person can recall their recent trip to a grocery store. Some of the five senses are not even fully developed in the very early years, and so even from that point, the vulnerable and underdeveloped little brain of a toddler just can't record everything the way an adult brain can. However, the body does remember. Hence disorders like vaginismus. The amygdala has been shown in several studies to be able to record emotional and body memories, in essence physiological memories, even during infancy and toddler years. Again it's just not like being able to remember a recent trip to the grocery store, in essence, "Oh yeah, there was a carnation display, some 80s music playing and there was a lady in the pasta isle with purple pants." The extremely young brain just can't record that level of detail, while again it can (and does) record physiological memory. With so many red flags, and also you still being affected by it to this day, I think it would be worth it for someone in your shoes to discuss these things with a therapist who is empathic and experienced in working with childhood trauma survivors.

 

[Finding Maeve]

Thank you for posting this. I've been told I have "110% of the symptoms of someone who was sexually abused as a young child", according to past trauma therapists. I knew this already. In my body. The way I used it, abused it, allowed, even encouraged, it to be abused. I was hyper sexual from a young age, I've made bad decisions, and even worse decisions, until my body shut down. It's been six years since I've been held by someone I thought loved me, over four living like a nun. I swung to the extreme. Even my radar is off. The last time I flirted with a guy, he ignored me until finally coming out of the closet. I have no clear memories of early sexual contact (before 14). Just three horrible, real-feeling nightmares, a clear, 3-second memory, and body sensations ruled by fear. In these (memories???) the perpetrator is my father, but I sincerely do not believe that could be real. I wonder if I don't remember the actual perpetrator so I am transcribing the closest man to me in childhood into the memory. Does that make any sense? When I first began putting this together, I went on a mission to "figure it out." I asked my dad for the names of all the men he could remember being around when I "changed" at six or seven years old. I googled all of them and entered them into sex offender searches. I read my journals from 8 years old. I asked questions. I came up with nothing. Why do I remember a Wednesday caretaker promising to take me to McDonalds, but nothing else about that? At an older age (the 3-second memory), I remember telling my uber-feminist mom I thought dad had done something inappropriate and her saying, "You're being ridiculous." But I just don't think it was my dad. I really don't. And I've been really honest and open-minded about it. He got drunk and violent with me a few times, which was a violation in itself. Then, when I became a teenager and needed him most, he failed to even try and protect me from the dangerous boys and men nearby. Again, a violation. But my body remembers: sexual abuse. I know enough sexual abuse survivors to know, too. We're all alike. I've evolved. I've been wild, faithfully married, divorced, through my Puma (younger version of the cougar) stage, and now don't want to be touched until I feel safe and loved and serious about someone. But I am also back to feeling that I'm ready to remember again. That desire to know, to find the missing piece of my past, the missing pieces of me.

 

[Suzetig]

I've been told I have "110% of the symptoms of someone who was sexually abused as a young child",

I'd love to know how they assessed this. Child abuse isn't an illness and there aren't "symptoms". There are indicators that someone may have experienced some form of trauma but the signs in childhood - and the signs in adulthood - can reflect all kinds of childhood trauma, not just sexual abuse. It sounds like you've given this idea a lot of space in your life - looking for perpetrators and trying to figure out memories that may not be there.

I wonder if just letting it rest, accepting that you may never know what did or didn't happen to you might give your mind space. While you're on a one track to finding sexual abuse, you may be missing other stuff along the way when actually if your thoughts and feelings are causing you difficulty now it would be worth getting support for that regardless of the cause.

Repressed memories are relatively uncommon, what is common is people putting 2+2+2 together and spending their whole lives impacted by something that may not have happened. I'm not saying you definitely weren't abused, I'm not saying you were but getting help for the actual things that bother you now will help.

 

[Purple Steel]

...Repressed memories are relatively uncommon, what is common is people putting 2+2+2 together and spending their whole lives impacted by something that may not have happened...

I understand and appreciate that you are trying to steer the poster towards more productive ways of dealing with their problems, but the bit quoted above is a pretty strong statement and feels very dismissive of dissociative amnesia. Do you have any data to back this up? What do you mean with "relatively uncommon" and "common"?

But, yes, if you possibly suffer from dissociative amnesia, it is generally reccommended to focus on the present, stabilise, and improve your quality of living and sense of security. As you do that, your inner protector is more likely to let go and allow some memories to come back. Maybe.

Don't go looking. If you can't remember, there either is nothing to remember, or there is a very good reason why you can't remember. Your soul will only ever reveal what you are able to handle.

 

[Deadman]

feels very dismissive of dissociative amnesia

Why do you feel it is dismissive?

 

[Suzetig]

but the bit quoted above is a pretty strong statement and feels very dismissive of dissociative amnesia. Do you have any data to back this up? What do you mean with "relatively uncommon" and "common"?

I do have, yes it's fairly straightforward to find research on the prevalence of false memory and while figures vary, most academics agree that it's far more common than thought and there's that our memories can easily be manipulated and reinforced to remember events that didn't happen. Also worth looking at confirmation bias - where we filter out evidence that doesn't fit with our view, opinion or belief and labelling theory.

I'm not dismissive of dissociative amnesia but other than "symptoms" that could in fact be one of a hundred other things, the OP has no reason to think she has been abused and appears to be spending significant time and energy finding an abuser who may not actually exist.

 

[Purple Steel]

Why do you feel it is dismissive?

Because it dismisses the condition as something that is highly unlikely and empowers those that are prone to react with "lol, you're making that all up" with (what I think are pseudo) statistics. Why the need for quantifiers, if not to subtly dismiss the possibility of dissociative amnesia occuring?

Just like with childhood abuse in general, there's such a massive grey zone of undiagnosed, misdiagnosed or unreported cases, that even if there were statistics (which I'm pretty sure there aren't), they'd be more or less useless anyway.

 

[anthony]

with (what I think are pseudo) statistics

Aren't all statistics? But they all have a defined outcome, even with their limits, prejudice and bias factored. They tell a story, regardless what you throw at them, when viewed collectively. Gather stats from 10 people, they tell a story. Add 100, the story now shifts. Add 1000 and the story continues. The larger the measurement, usually the more descriptive the story outcome.

So yes, statistics are bullshit in one sense -- yet they still tell a story of measurement and result.

I'm not dismissive of dissociative amnesia but other than "symptoms" that could in fact be one of a hundred other things, the OP has no reason to think she has been abused and appears to be spending significant time and energy finding an abuser who may not actually exist.

I am inclined to believe this is the most accurate answer, based on what is written in this thread.

 

[Purple Steel]

I do have, yes it's fairly straightforward to find research on the prevalence of false memory and while...

Your original statement was about the prevalence of dissociative amnesia, not false memories, but, ok.

Could you please point me to the studies you are referring to? I can only find studies that report some sort of amnesia in well over 50% of childhood sexual abuse survivors. And studies that suggest that recovered memories are no more or less reliable than the memories that have always been there (which is about 70% in either case). And studies that find that even adult survivors of proven sexual abuse can suffer from amnesia after some time (30% in that study). They are all small number statistics, of course, but that's unavoidable.

There was a brief period in the past where women have had false memories suggested during hypnotherapie. In this very specific case an unusually high prevalence of false memories was observed, but that was, what?, 40 years ago or so. The resulting popularity of the "False memory syndrome Assocation" (fancy speak for bunch of paedophiles) has been extremely damaging for survivors of sexual abuse who suffer from various degrees of amnesia.

The girl who posted needs help. You can encourage her to find it without judgement and in a neutral manner.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Actually this

people putting 2+2+2 together

Is how I personally obtained a false memory. Not remembering a full memory and unintentionally filling in what made the most sense at the time and then unitentionally fully engraining that in myself (and I think past "therapists" had a part in that too) for roughly 12 yrs until this

just letting it rest, accepting that you may never know what did or didn't happen to you might give your mind space.

is what "fixed" that in the end. My therapist had me list everything I could remember in order for earliest to oldest. I am sure there was a few reasons. It is a ton of info and to really sort that would have been one reason. Another because I guess making this shit up is a "thing" so he did quite a bit of "cross examining" me, if you will. But, I think his main and biggest reason is he saw how much trouble I was having of age 7 and below and with just that one memory itself, that I was missing all of this other trauma and futhermore, issues today. Issues we needed to get at today. My entire world was "what happened to me 7 and below?" And "*this one thing at age 7 ish* happened" that I was missing a huge chunk of what we work on today. So, he had me list it and he drove therapy for a small while to help me step back from it and really sort of let it all (age 7 and below) sit. All of it. I also had fragmented memories overall so we also let most of them sit for a time as well. And on its own, they became crystal clear. My fragmented overall memories are now crystal clear. The false memory "fixed itself" on its own. And I can now remember age 7 and into age 6. It does stop there and its muddy in age 6 as it is but I am totally cool with that.

Telling someone that they maybe doing something unintentionally and what could help isn't being dismissive. It's being helpful. And you don't need memory to fix issues that are happening today. You just don't.