Rescue Fantasies - Si - Inability To Accept I Wont Be Rescued

[NovemberStar]

I've tried googling this but haven't come up with anything other than articles about therapists making sure they don't engage in rescue fantasies of their clients.

I'm realizing I am only at the tip of the trauma iceberg in feeling and dealing with my childhood trauma.

More and more, I ache so much to be rescued. I think I spend a LOT of time in the emotional state of being a 9 year old. Its like having my childhood as a 'sceen-saver' - It's always THERE.

I cannot get passed the fact that I NEED to be rescued. It is such a DEEP NEED, I despair of ever getting better unless I AM rescued.

I have fantasies of going to my psychologist's office for a session and taking a load of pills beforehand. I don't even want to be 'saved' from dying in that fantasy - I just want to curl up on her couch, feel warm, safe, cared for, and die. (The pills I would take would be more than enough to kill me - I have a big bottle of potassium chloride tablets as well as sedatives - I'm pretty sure my heart would stop before any ambulance could get me anywhere fast enough for my stomach to by pumped - and in my fantasy - the thought of surviving and having to face my psychologist afterwards fills me with such intense intense SHAME, I wouldn't want to survive the attempt).

It's like - if I truly cannot be rescued from my childhood (which I know isn't possible because its no longer happening and its many years later - even though it FEELs like its NOW), then I just want to die, and feel SAFE and CARED for (just by having her presence there) as I say goodbye to the world. I would die happy that way.

How do I deal with this? How can I even possibly come to accept the idea I cant ever be rescued?
I feel so incredibly ANGRY at the fact I can't. I have such strong urges to be destructive - to 'force' the health professionals in my life to rescue me - to self destruct in front of them - and if they don't act, then I guess will die - the NEED is just that strong ;(

Has anyone else felt like this? have such an intense NEED to be rescued / saved?

And knowing it cant ever happen - has it left you suicidal also?

And how do you get passed that?

 

[NovemberStar]

ps) Has anyone told their therapist this is how they feel? I am considering sending my psychologist an email with what I posted above in it. the purpose being, if I tell her, then I wont ever do it?

But then again - I feel so damn ASHAMED of myself, I'm not sure i could ever face her ever, if I told her this is how I feel... I think then maybe I'd be suicidal over the intense shame of feeling like this and her knowing it!!!!

Has anyone told their therapist a suicidal fantasy involving them? Did it affect your working relationship? I'd be so afraid she would stop seeing me, least I do it. :( ..

But a part of me thinks telling her would somehow enable me to work through it with her .... ???

 

[arfie]

I use those fantasies for inspiration on how to rescue myself. I tell myself it is okay to let it be absurd. My therapy net provides healthy skepticism as I go. As my immacculate beauties from another galaxy tend my every need, I take note of what they bring me. Hot tea with honey? Crackers and cheese? Exotic insights from other cultures? I can provide myself all of those. Yea, Denzel does it cuter, but I really can rescue myself.

So I tell myself. Sometimes it even gets me through the day...

Hope ya get to feeling better, November Star.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@NovemberStar

Yes, but not to that extent. I didn't consciously think "rescue me", but the behavior was there.

I had therapists who set strong boundaries. Some I hated and lead, in part, to the end of the relationship. I have another friend who saw the pattern of behavior and never tried to rescue me, saying "I can't fix you, stop trying to get me to fix you!" I never wanted a rescuer, at least not consciously, but again, the behavior was there. I just couldn't see it.

 

[crazy8]

I never wanted a rescuer, at least not consciously, but again, the behavior was there. I just couldn't see it.

Same here. I'm noticing that this is manifesting in my recent weight loss. I have trouble eating because of the way my PTSD affects me with vomiting, and am underweight right now as a result. I have thoughts of watching myself wither away into nothing and die. I'm not anorexic, at least not consciously. I want people to ask me "are you OK? You're so skinny, what's wrong? Let me help you...(Let me RESCUE you)." But when they tell me I'm looking too thin, I should eat more, I feel uncomfortable and I withdraw. Sort of the opposite of accepting help, probably because of my feelings of inadequacy and being undeserving of help/love/rescuing.

 

[NovemberStar]

I also have an eating disorder. I am in relapse. I am not trying to lose weight at the moment - I am probably losing some, but its not my intention. I struggle with the urge to start actively losing weight, for the sole purpose of 'being rescued'. This is one of the self destructive things I want to do in order to 'force' a rescue. Of course, one part of me knows I wont be rescued - but the bigger part of me is so desperate.

I don't think I would cope with having my T tell me she was not going to rescue me so stop trying to make her do it. I think I would be left very suicidal from that, and that is my problem - that young part in me is SO desperate to have what I never had, I can't imagine coming to believe and accept that it won't ever ever happen. The idea of it leaves me wanting to die - I cant imagine feeling the feelings behind that.

 

[Britt.f7]

I spent my life wanting to be rescued by my dad, but it never happened. How about wanting to rescue yourself? When I got pass that with my dad, okay it still bothers me some now, I thought no one is going to rescue me with the exception of myself. Because I will resist being rescued just as much as I want it.

I hate talking suicide with anyone, but the therapist is who you are suppose to open up to. She is going to want to make sure that you are not going to actually do this. You could tell the story of how desperate you are feeling for this to happen by not using her as the person, but a "friend". I don't like lying but I also think it is more important to get your thoughts out.

 

[mamachick]

I think it is really brave to be so forthcoming with your fantasy. I suspect that I have fantasies that I never allow to surface because they are taboo, or unconsciously am afraid to explore them for other reasons. When I really allow my defenses down, I can see how I have hoped to be rescued in partner relationships. Seeking Knight in shining armor to love me and make everything ok. Of course I know that this will never happen but not sure that I have really ever let go of it completely. Probably tied to not having a father present during childhood and carried over from the daddy rescue fantasy.

 

[Badger]

(Supporter) My best friend told me I always want to rescue people. Im even a volunteer EMT lol. Guess I have no idea where that came from. Maybe its the flip side of the PTSD rescue fantasy. I grew up in a very cold and emotionally distant house. Like the one I live in now. Sucks how similar it is really. Im separated from my husband but we are co parenting housemates because our kids are 3 and 7. I plan on getting the heckout of here as soon as my daughter goes to kindergarten in 2 years. Maybe because theres no rescue for me. Im always tbe strong one who gets relied on. Rescuing people gets my mind off howmuch it sucks to be me. Just dont get emotionally involved...:meh:

 

[NovemberStar]

Thank you everyone for your support. iI has helped a LOT, feeling I can put it out there and share it - its something I have a lot of shame about - so thank you for not being judgmental and thank you for being so kind and encouraging.

I also do some rescuing - my job is in the health profession, and I work 'on call' twenty-four seven, except for every other weekend off call. I know part of what I love about my job is feeling needed; feeling useful, feeling I am making a difference, and 'begin there' for someone else when they are at their most vulnerable. This role gives me the emotional connection with others I crave so much for - BUT it feels safe because its in a strong boundary (professionalism), and is time limited (I work with clients for a set period of time). In my work role, I am able to 'connect' emotionally with others - in real life, outside of work? I am completely unable to do so.

I am both terrified of being left alone emotionally and having to 'rescue myself' (which was my childhood experience); and just as terrified of being rescued or having someone try to get close to me emotionally.

This rescue fantasy feels less intense having put it out there. No doubt it will come back and be strong again. I need to decide if I email my psychologist about it ... even if the feeling goes away...

If it passes, how important is it I tell her it was there in the first place? I've had it a couple of times ...

 

[crazy8]

@NovemberStar can you get the potassium chloride pills and sedatives out of your possession? If you're having suicidal thoughts, it's probably best to not also have opportunity at your fingertips.

 

[NovemberStar]

Hi crazy ... not really as I need to take them daily due to my eating disorder.

Granted, I dont need the whole big bottle ... I've had that many for months and months, and felt suicidal and haven't yet taken them. I do know though, getting rid of them would probably be a better idea ... but ... IF I crossed the line and decided to end it, I'd rather use them and act out my fantasy, rather than die alone by some other, more violent means ;-/

(I'm not actively suicidal right now by the way).