General Restraints: Good Idea Or Bad Idea

[amethist]

She honestly cannot do this on her own, and it is not something you can deal with like this forever, she needs professional help. Looking for somewhere that has a sliding scale could be the answer.

 

[Slynn]

My partner is very much the same. When having a flashback he hits out at himself and me if I am in the vicinity, tries to leave (heading for the nearest motorway or bridge), or tries to hurt himself in various ways. We have spoken about it, and though me restraining him makes the flashbacks worse most of the time, we agreed that it was for the best. I can luckily still pin him down using my whole body weight, but I shudder to think of what will happen when he gets stronger (he had cancer for a long while).

I think the thing is communication. I am still new to this whole PTSD thing... well my partner hasnt even been officially diagnosed yet, but I have been helping him since I first met him three years ago. We agreed early on that even though having me in the room, and making physical contact (expecially pinning him down... sort of feeds back into the flashback of him being raped), it was better than letting him hurt himself in other ways. The sooner I manage to pin him down the better. I find also wrapping him in a quilt, with his arms pinned behind his back helps, because its soft, but tight enough so that he cant wriggle out. I know this is not the best thing to do, but its the lesser of two evils! and I only do so because a) I have no choice really and b) he has agreed to it.

This is turning into an essay...
On a side note, before anyone worries, he is getting help, as quickly as the NHS can get around to it, and I have started calling the emergency services if he gets too out of hand. sometimes it makes it worse (try two police officers backing him into a corner!) but in the long run it has helped a lot in speeding up the process of him getting help.

 

[Slynn]

Sorry about the essay! I didn't realise how long that got!

 

[BloomInWinter]

One of my past careers was a paramedic/ER Tech for a level 2 trauma center. I was also a state EMS Lead Instructor.

Based upon my experience in that position, here's my .02 USD.

Under no circumstances should a loved one ever be restrained without calling the police/EMS FIRST. If you get hurt, help will be on the way. If the loved one gets hurt, help will be on the way. If that person is that much of a threat to you and him/herself, insurance isn't the priority, survival is.

As is your freedom. Restraining an adult against their will is considered unlawful restraint, possible kidnapping, and even assault and battery.

A lay person who means well will often be allowed a pass on the first instance, but not on the second.

It's unfair for you to be put in that position, whether intentionally or not by that person. It is a huge risk to both of you to try to mange such a problem on your own. While people think they are minimizing harm at the time, it also helps hide the extent of the mental illness from the professionals and puts everyone involved in a terrible dilemma.

If that person ends up killing or maiming you, that person will be much worse off. If that person waits until your guard is down and maims or kills him/her -self, you will have to live with a terrible burden that should never have been picked up in the first place - an all too common outcome.

Calling EMS/Police is a great way to put the problem where it truly should be, in the hands of the people best trained and qualified to successful resolve the situation...instead of just 'getting through' it.

If that person ever turns on you, the restraining behavior, painted in the media and courtroom in a negative light, can take away your freedom, finances, job marketability...and worse.

I always taught my college students to never babysit someone too impaired to take care of themselves.

Because we may think it's 'just alcohol' or 'just a flashback' but the reality is, we just don't know. Did that person hit their head wrong earlier that day and is bleeding into the brain? Has diabetes taken hold? Brain cancer? A med error deranging their blood chemistry? Accidental exposure to a chemical substance? Overdose?

We had one group of young men ruin their lives forever trying to babysit a drunk, who stopped breathing. They got in the worst trouble because instead of calling for help, they thought they could handle it...and wow, were they tragically wrong.

Get the professionals involved. I can't count how many times I arrived to see someone restraining an 'out of control' loved one who, upon being given an opportunity to show some self-restraint or face the leathers and possibly pharmacological restraint, learned they weren't as powerless over themselves as they thought.

Some, sadly, were faking to allow themselves a good excuse to beat their savior up without being found out.

The ones who were unable to control themselves needed a lot of interventions to help themselves - and their loved ones - get some peace of mind back. ...and the outcomes when those don't happen is horrific.

Hang in there. I hope you'll decide to never allow yourself to take on more than you should. All too often it ends up making the situation much worse in the long term. That's not love, but co-dependency.

..and after all, they system is geared for survival. It seems that she has been able to stay alive fine without you all these years. It's possible that this is an unconscious replaying of previous trauma in her life and you're being cast in the role of the abuser over and over.

I wouldn't videotape it. Because the first question that will get asked upon viewing is, 'If she's so out of control, why didn't he call 9-1-1?' Good evidence against you, even if she wouldn't want to use it.

I applaud you for your concern and care. May you both find help for this.

 

[Maggiemay]

This has been an interesting thread to find out peoples take on restraint *hugs*

I too during flashbacks will become violent (usually escalating to non epileptic seizures) and on occasions want to run. I've ended up in a right state on several occasions, but luckily/luckily my body's reaction to intense fear is to black out so although I've come round in different parts of my flat, I usually black out quite quickly in random parts of flat.

Anyway, I live on my own and don't have the advantage of someone close to me to help me in these moments. I've talked to my previous therapist about desperately wanting to restrain myself as it's scary and I can't trust myself and don't know how far it'll go one day and how much damage I'll cause. It just is very unconstrained and I'd love to have someone I could rely on to keep me safe. But I guess, just letting them happen and reach climax is the best I can do and mtg body has many reactions however distressing they are in the moment, they keep me safe.

Night time is the worst tho, esp when I have a tendency to fit and fall out of bed and hide in ridiculous places. Even considered investing in cot sides to keep me safe, then realised I'd prob just climb over them so not safe. When things get bad I move the mattress to rhetoric floor, make sure my room is empty (I'll destroy anything in sight!) And make sure the ddoor

 

[DarthRosien]

Under no circumstances should a loved one ever be restrained without calling the police/EMS FIRST. If you get hurt, help will be on the way. If the loved one gets hurt, help will be on the way. If that person is that much of a threat to you and him/herself, insurance isn't the priority, survival is.
Calling EMS/Police is a great way to put the problem where it truly should be, in the hands of the people best trained and qualified to successful resolve the situation...instead of just 'getting through' it

That is a wonderful thought. But these flashbacks happen far too frequently to call the EMS every time. Besides, without insurance, if we did that we would be absolutely crippled by the medical bills for the ambulances and doctors visits... and in the long run I don't think it would help because she doesn't need a one time fix, she needs long term counseling.

As is your freedom. Restraining an adult against their will is considered unlawful restraint, possible kidnapping, and even assault and battery.

This is true. I don't think she would go to the police about it, and in the flashbacks she's far too incoherant to call for help or blame me. She can barely respond to questions. Which is why we ask her age and some basic questions about her surrounding when she awakens, to be sure she's back. Her flashback self has often tried to trick me into thinking she's okay in order to get away.
Is there a way to hold her (not with restraints, but physically, as I usually do now, when I have to) and also to get some kind of written waiver or something from her? Because, when she's herself, she appreciates me making sure she doesn't go anywhere. But if she was flashing back, she wouldn't be able to respond to anyone.

It seems that she has been able to stay alive fine without you all these years. It's possible that this is an unconscious replaying of previous trauma in her life and you're being cast in the role of the abuser over and over.

She wasn't fine without help. In her last situation, her boyfriend at the time and her roommate were the ones caring for her during flashbacks. Before that, she would black out and wake up somewhere else, usually hurt and lost.
As for the second part, yes, that is definitely true. She sees me as her abuser when she's flashing back. This has been verified. But I have no way to help that. I try to talk sweetly to her, to make sure she's not hurt, to calm her down...it seems to be all I can do.

 

[safenow]

As a person who was abused by being restrained a lot, I tell you that is not the way to handle it. She obviously needs professional help. She can get help for those flashbacks and make them less intense. You can't do that for her. She needs to be inpatient until she come to grips with why they are so intense.

If you live in the USA, they have places that will take her that don't need insurance. She is a danger to herself and others. That alone qualifies her for the help.

In my opinion, you are doing her more harm than good by restraining her.

 

[DarthRosien]

She was never restrained as a child, so it might not be as intense. But I definitely agree that it isn't the best option. Frankly, I hear a lot of "restraint is a bad idea" but not many alternatives. I can't just let her go, she could hurt herself or get lost or both.

I'd really like another option.

 

[Jules Huffman]

My husband puts me in a Brazilian jiu-jitsu hold until I calm down. In homes where patients are treated with out bursts like your GF they favor holds to physical restraints because it is easy to hurt yourself with the restraints especially handcuffs and can evaluate the intensity of the freak out. Sometimes I do not know what I would have done with out that restraint. The pressure of the body on top of you can be quite calming. If her episodes require a longer period of time than you could psychically restrain her treatment in a hospital seems a better bet. Unless you are willing to build a safe room. I respect your effort and love for this woman. Good luck

 

[BloomInWinter]

As symptomatic as she is, yes, the police and EMS should be called every time. Because eventually, she will be hospitalized.

Your layperson skills and 'treatment' of her is unconscionable, not to mention extremely dangerous. Every time you take it on yourself to think you know how to handle this without acting responsibly to get her help from qualified people, you then become the abuser and the co-dependent. It then is your actions preventing her from adequate diagnosis and necessary documentation of her illness's progression. You stand in the way between her chance to not just get through the moment, but also to get on a path to healing to decrease such events.

If I was the paramedic called to any situation like what you're describing, you'd have been arrested for battery, and she would be assigned the proper help she needs on the first incident.

I think you are, at best, greatly misguided, co-dependent, and harmful to you both. At worst, it's possible you don't realize you're actually an abuser who justifies your control and abuse as 'necessary' in a false 'hero' role. Otherwise, you would not keep violating her human rights and keeping her trapped.

Your explanations are bizarre and completely outside the realm of 'healthy relationship.' For both of your own good, I hope someone calls the police and ends this abusive cycle for both of you before someone dies.

 

[DarthRosien]

My husband puts me in a Brazilian jiu-jitsu hold until I calm down. In homes where patients are treated with out bursts like your GF they favor holds to physical restraints because it is easy to hurt yourself with the restraints especially handcuffs and can evaluate the intensity of the freak out. Sometimes I do not know what I would have done with out that restraint. The pressure of the body on top of you can be quite calming. If her episodes require a longer period of time than you could psychically restrain her treatment in a hospital seems a better bet. Unless you are willing to build a safe room. I respect your effort and love for this woman. Good luck

That's interesting you say that, because I was just researching martial arts techniques I could use to help restrain her without hurting her until the flashback passes. I'll have to look into Ju Jitsu.

Luckily I was able to find a place that can possibly treat her free of charge. Or at least, for very little. Hopefully it works out.

As symptomatic as she is, yes, the police and EMS should be called every time. Because eventually, she will be hospitalized.

Your layperson skills and 'treatment' of her is unconscionable, not to mention extremely dangerous. Every time you take it on yourself to think you know how to handle this without acting responsibly to get her help from qualified people, you then become the abuser and the co-dependent. It then is your actions preventing her from adequate diagnosis and necessary documentation of her illness's progression. You stand in the way between her chance to not just get through the moment, but also to get on a path to healing to decrease such events.

If I was the paramedic called to any situation like what you're describing, you'd have been arrested for battery, and she would be assigned the proper help she needs on the first incident.

I think you are, at best, greatly misguided, co-dependent, and harmful to you both. At worst, it's possible you don't realize you're actually an abuser who justifies your control and abuse as 'necessary' in a false 'hero' role. Otherwise, you would not keep violating her human rights and keeping her trapped.

Your explanations are bizarre and completely outside the realm of 'healthy relationship.' For both of your own good, I hope someone calls the police and ends this abusive cycle for both of you before someone dies.

I think somewhere along the way you seriously misread exactly what the situation is and how intense these flashbacks are, physically. You also seem to have a skewed view of my role in helping her.

I was asking about restraints because I thought it might make it easier on everyone, based on peoples responses, that is not a good idea. Thus my original question has been answered. I do not, at this time, use restraints other than my hands when it becomes necessary.