Results of having a bpd mom

[Chem Lady]

I’m posting this here even though it doesn’t really fit, but it fits here better than depression and suicidality.
One of the results of being raised by a BPD mother mixed with my own personality are some highly negative internal dialogue sequences.
Since July my internal dialogue has been a lot of “who the f*&@ cares?”. And the answer is always “no one”. I do get depressed, but because it seems very clear that no one cares. Sometimes it’s just very lonely.
I just need someone else to know.

 

[TTC18]

I feel the same way, often - like no one cares. I tell myself that people DO care. So I'll tell you the same thing. People do care.

 

[AnD]

One more person here.

 

[shimmerz]

One of the results of being raised by a BPD mother

Hmmm. Not sure I see the relevance to this. I didn't have a BPD Mom and I used to have some pretty wicked dialogues in my head too. So the question I would have to ask you is that - BPD Mom or not - what coping skills have you used to break this up?

 

[DogwoodTree]

Since July my internal dialogue has been a lot of “who the f*&@ cares?”. And the answer is always “no one”.

I get this. Both my Ts have suggested my mom has BPD, and she was dx'd with mult. personality dis. in the early 90s. It's like every event was about how she was feeling, and it never occurred to her that I might experience an event differently than she did. Just a couple of weeks ago, she was complaining in family therapy about my not coming to a family get-together that was really important to her. The famT pointed out the event might have been too stressful for me, given the stress I was under at the time. My mom said the event wasn't stressful at all--because it wasn't stressful for her. She couldn't comprehend that it might still be stressful for me. The famT had to repeat the point a couple of times before my mom let it go and the conversation moved on to a different topic without her ever really conceding the point.

She was never curious about the ways I might be different from her. She just expected my experience to mirror hers. And when it doesn't, that information is used against me somehow. I learned early that my internal experience was irrelevant to her, even threatening to her. So now it's really hard to believe anyone else might interested in my thoughts or feelings, either, especially in a safe way that honors what I think or feel instead of using it as ammunition to point out what's wrong with me. I always feel like I'm imposing if I try to share that information. Even now, typing this, I'm halfway inclined to delete it so I don't bother anyone else with my thoughts.

So...just to say, that what you described feels very familiar.

 

[grit]

Let me tell you something...my mother is the mother lode of narcissism and I have a lot of negative and deadly stories in my head.

I just want to say, there is a huge part of you that does not believe this part of you. Your mom tried to shatter you into pieces so you never recover but you are here and you are recovered and she could not truly destroy the most important part of you.

You still have that part that is here looking for connection. This is a very important part and I bet there are many people who love this part and will miss it, if it is taken by the small portion that comes now and then and wants to hurt self.

Take care and be kind to you!

 

[Juso]

Hi!
Important thread, thank you! I think you put it into the right section, because having BPD parents often leads to core beliefs/cognitive distortions that have nothing to do with reality.
I am pretty sure my mum has BPD as well. I could relate to everything in this thread. The constant negative internal dialogue, the feeling like I shouldn't bother anyone with my thoughts because my emotions are not valid. I guess it comes from the lack of compassion BPD parents sometimes have - when I was hurt my mum almost always made it all about herself and how she was affected by it. She always felt like the victim and like I had treated her terribly, even after she had hit me. She often feels like everyone betrays her, like no one is loyal to her. She quickly feels neglected by me even though there is no reason to think so and then she gets angry at me and blames me for feeling so bad.
Then the black and white thinking! The use of words like "never" and "always". There is no grey area thinking in my mums life. Either its "everything" or "nothing".
This goes hand in hand with idealizing or devaluating me: One day I am her perfect hard working daughter that she is so proud of and loves to brag about, the other day I am the most egocentric and lazy human being who apparently behaves just like her biological dad (who abused my mum). This has gotten better though, I think partly because she recognized it herself.
Then the bad impulse control which often leads to drug abuse - my mum drinks a lot (which she completely denies) and takes lots of pills. When she started taking sleeping pills she blamed me for it.
BPD parents tend to make you satisfy their needs so your sense of self is tied directly to your mums/dads expectations/approval/rejection. It makes you feel insecure and like you cannot trust your own instincts.
I'm very glad that I now can make sense of my mothers behavior. Its making it easier to emotionally distance myself from her when this is necessary for my mental health.

 

[Chem Lady]

I get this. Both my Ts have suggested my mom has BPD, and she was dx'd with mult. personality dis. in the early 90s. It's like every event was about how she was feeling, and it never occurred to her that I might experience an event differently than she did. Just a couple of weeks ago, she was complaining in family therapy about my not coming to a family get-together that was really important to her. The famT pointed out the event might have been too stressful for me, given the stress I was under at the time. My mom said the event wasn't stressful at all--because it wasn't stressful for her. She couldn't comprehend that it might still be stressful for me. The famT had to repeat the point a couple of times before my mom let it go and the conversation moved on to a different topic without her ever really conceding the point.

She was never curious about the ways I might be different from her. She just expected my experience to mirror hers. And when it doesn't, that information is used against me somehow. I learned early that my internal experience was irrelevant to her, even threatening to her. So now it's really hard to believe anyone else might interested in my thoughts or feelings, either, especially in a safe way that honors what I think or feel instead of using it as ammunition to point out what's wrong with me. I always feel like I'm imposing if I try to share that information. Even now, typing this, I'm halfway inclined to delete it so I don't bother anyone else with my thoughts.

So...just to say, that what you described feels very familiar.

Dogwood Tree,
Thank you for not deleting what you wrote. You practically wrote my own experience down! I’m sorry that both of us had this experience, but I am glad to not be completely alone in it. It’s nice to know that someone else understands. You wrote it so much better than I did. Sometimes, when I’m upset, I don’t communicate as well as I would like.

Hi!
Important thread, thank you! I think you put it into the right section, because having BPD parents often leads to core beliefs/cognitive distortions that have nothing to do with reality.
I am pretty sure my mum has BPD as well. I could relate to everything in this thread. The constant negative internal dialogue, the feeling like I shouldn't bother anyone with my thoughts because my emotions are not valid. I guess it comes from the lack of compassion BPD parents sometimes have - when I was hurt my mum almost always made it all about herself and how she was affected by it. She always felt like the victim and like I had treated her terribly, even after she had hit me. She often feels like everyone betrays her, like no one is loyal to her. She quickly feels neglected by me even though there is no reason to think so and then she gets angry at me and blames me for feeling so bad.
Then the black and white thinking! The use of words like "never" and "always". There is no grey area thinking in my mums life. Either its "everything" or "nothing".
This goes hand in hand with idealizing or devaluating me: One day I am her perfect hard working daughter that she is so proud of and loves to brag about, the other day I am the most egocentric and lazy human being who apparently behaves just like her biological dad (who abused my mum). This has gotten better though, I think partly because she recognized it herself.
Then the bad impulse control which often leads to drug abuse - my mum drinks a lot (which she completely denies) and takes lots of pills. When she started taking sleeping pills she blamed me for it.
BPD parents tend to make you satisfy their needs so your sense of self is tied directly to your mums/dads expectations/approval/rejection. It makes you feel insecure and like you cannot trust your own instincts.
I'm very glad that I now can make sense of my mothers behavior. Its making it easier to emotionally distance myself from her when this is necessary for my mental health.

Juso,
It sounds like you have made some great progress! I feel like I am at the place where I can recognize some of the negative things my mom did and I can see how it has impacted me. I have also been able to choose to not behave that way towards others (although there’s always room for more discovery!), but I still struggle to distance myself from the effects of her treatment of me. Let’s just keep trying to move forward!