Revenge

[WarOfRoses]

Hi all. I'm very new here and apart from my introduction this is my first post.

What I would like to discuss is the topic of revenge. I have had many revenge fantasies that I have so far managed to keep just that, a fantasy.

BUT the fantasy is very close go becoming a reality. Without going into too much detail (I will when the time is right) I was humiliated by another man while I was in a very vulnerable position. There was no way of fighting back at the time.

A year has passed and I plan to ambush my transgressor. I will act well within the legal boundaries but I want to confront him and expose him on film with my camera (phone). After a year since the incident he will not know what hit him!.

In my mind I will spit on him and give him a little bitch slap for good measure to level the playing field but maybe that's just my anger talking.

Anyway. I have done a lot of reading up on revenge. We all know what the Buddhist say, dont take revenge, let it go, it's in the past etc. I just cant help thinking that is a weak stance. It's the easy way out.

I just feel like why should I be going through all of this pain when he gets to wake in the morning and his only thought is what he's going to have for breakfast.

I want to teach him a lesson!.. I have so much rage sometimes I dont know what to do with myself. If he was standing infront of my during my rage I dont know what I would do to him!!.

You all must know what I'm talking about.

Anybody else have these thoughts?. Has anybody taken revenge?. Does in take away the pain or make it easier to bear?

Love to you all

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @WarOfRoses - I love the idea that you have these fantasies about revenge & while they remain fantasy indulge to your heart's content. Talking about them to a therapist is ideal. It gives your T an opportunity to see how & what your trauma has touched on and where the work needs to happen. Fantasy isn't bad at all but in respect of acting on your revenge fantasy, think long & hard.

So I'm glad you asked here.

I've had a substantial revenge fantasy for decades now. If I could pull it off I reckon it'd be so sweet. I've told my psydoc & T about it all and we discuss it periodically. I won't go into it here but mine is a lot worse than yours and though I'd be able to carry it out, it goes against my inner protector who tells me to keep on the upside of the law.

Please, please don't even pretend that living out your fantasy will happen the way you plan. People and things go wrong all the time and whatever you say, I know people well enough to know that not all contingencies can be dealt with.

But let's pretend it did go as planned.

Neither will it give you the sense of revenge you desire. It will give you little to no satisfaction at all, fleeting feeling of excitement & you'll be left feeling angry, resentful, empty & just as bad as ever.

Revenge is good for the story books, movies & criminals.

It's not therapeutic, it won't give you lasting happiness. It won't redress your feelings.

It won't make a perpetrator feel or think anything other than triumph because he will know without a shadow of a doubt that he really did hurt you & it still bothers you & he did a damn good job of it.

You ask why should that be an issue? It's an issue because you hand him power over you. You've shown him you care enough about him to make him the centre of your attention.

He will know that you feel vulnerable & should he care less about you, it will be enough to get yourself into enormous trouble & he gets to be the victim. Is that good for you?

Your fantasy - particularly the spit and bitch slap is assault and seriously how would you feel getting charged? Then ask yourself how you reckon your fantasy will play out? I can see him being really happy that he was able to embarrass or humiliate you further. And don't dream yourself into believing that you will stand up in court & tell the judge just how badly he treated you. That's not a defense to assault. Revenge isn't a defence for anything.

Please don't invite more trauma into your life by acting on your fantasy.

So fantasize on all you like. I think it might even be healthy. I think that's what my mental health people told me at one point.

But leave it in that realm.

Have faith in the Universe or whatever to deal him a bad hand some day, even if you're not there to witness it.

Focus on yourself and how you heal.

 

[grit]

Best revenge, live better life, if can't or maybe, use that rage in creative pursuit.... Drawing, writing, dancing, singing--rapping, poetry.... Marcia art!!!

Many ways than acting out.

 

[Ronin]

Yep.

The only revenge I can think of that's completely legal under all circumstances is the heal yourself, get better, and over it, kind.

As even filming someone without their consent can be illegal.
For the purposes of blackmail? Definitely illegal.
Ambush? Stalking, limiting of personal freedom, assault, intent to murder, depending what the prosecution thinks you were up to.

Add anyone you tell about it IRL if you act being accessories. Aka you just wrecked your social network's lives for good.

Fantasies aren't reality.

Both in how things get done...
And the effect on people if one does the revenge.

It teaches them nothing.
It accomplishes nothing of the shit desperate people think it will and adds a multitude of new problems. Or jailtime. Or injury. To you & yours. Or death. Or all of the above.

Seriously, drop it.
What you think is real is not.

And I'm not speaking from moralistic high horse. Nor religious view.

 

[Friday]

I come from a place where revenge is the natural order of things.

It has been very... difficult... adapting to living in a world where it is not.

One of the most difficult things? Is actually exactly what you wrote above; what people think revenge will be like, and what they are prepared for.

The first piece? Revenge almost never brings any kind of catharsis. It doesn’t feel good to hurt someone, unless you enjoy that kind of thing, and if you did? You wouldn’t be fantasizing about it. Because you’d have hurt enough people, by now, that you wouldn’t have to fantasize. You’d know exactly what hurting someone feels like... and what you’re planning on doing? Wouldn’t hurt most people, who have anything coming to them. Someone squawking at them and slapping them? At worst would be irritating/insulting, and far more likely would just make them laugh at you. Before they put you in your place. Which they would have every right to do... since you’re attempting an assault on them. And worse? Long after the fact. So there’s no heat of the moment to excuse (on either their part, or the laws part). Which leads us to the second piece.

You have to be prepared for 2 things; you have to be willing to die &/or have the people you love die (either in the process of taking revenge, or in others taking their revenge on you IF you succeed), and you have to be willing to be arrested & imprisoned, whether you succeed or just attempt it.

Sit and think about those 2 things for a moment, because both are very possible.

And think about whether slapping someone is worth having your neck broken, or shoved out into traffic for. Worth being shot/stabbed, or bent over a table and raped. I don’t know the level of bad this person is, so I can’t predict what they’d do. An average Joe? Could just push you away (into traffic, or to the ground, either very potentially lethal with adrenaline up), someone who uses violence on the other hand, will most likely be armed & wont hesitate to kill or maim you for coming at them. The last person who came at me with bad intent? Surprised me. I was asleep. And in the space of less than a second I broke several of their ribs. With the nearest thing to hand, which means a flashlight. Maglite. The crunch I felt as I hit them wih it meant 2 things: 1 I didn’t kill them, but if I’d hit them in the head? I would have done. 2? They were in for a long painful recovery. I’ve HAD broken ribs, before... Dude was looking at a collapsed lung, at least one or more surgeries to repair the ribs / get them out of his lung, and at least 3 months off work, more likely 6. And up to a couple years of rehab. Assuming, of course, that I didn’t press charges and he wasn’t in prison attempting to recover with shitty ass medical care, and repeated injuries to the area he was weakest at. Because HE came at me? I was both within my rights to hurt him AND press charges against him.

But let’s get back to you & your plan.

I’ve noticed people tend to think 1 of 2 things are the smart move... to either confront them in public or in private. Neither are smart. In public the person has witnesses that you both attempted to assault them, and that they were just defending themselves; and in private they can do to you whatever they wish, for as long as they wish, the moment they have the upper hand. What you’re planning on doing? Filming your CRIMES? Adds a whole new dimension of stupid onto either of those 2 scenarios. As you’ve just provided your own evidence against yourself for your trial.

^^^Which means you are guaranteed to go down for your crimes, one way or another. Either they hurt you, or they arrest you, with a slam dunk conviction. Unless? THEY decide to show YOU mercy. I don’t know them, so I can’t speak as to their inherent level of self control & kindness. It’s -generally speaking- not a good idea to count on the good nature of the person you’re wronging. Because even in the unlikely scenario they’re kind to you? You’re going to have to live with that. Knowing they let you go.

Reality & Fantasy are very different things.

Spend your energy making your life amazing, instead. Really.

 

[Rainman8772]

Friday is absolutely right here. There really are not good feelings for revenge. Point blank I feel more sorrow shooting a deer to eat than I ever did a person that intended to harm my team members or me. They are not what keeps me up at night. What keeps me up are seeing the faces of my guys that I sent into hell that didn’t come back. Also just like Friday if you were to come at me there are no rules as to what I will do to protect myself if I view you as a threat.

On top of that you want to film it which is on a whole new level of stupidity. Clearly they hurt you before and now you have some masochistic desire to let them do it again. I fully understand you may want to hurt them but ask yourself can you really do anything to hurt them. I fully believe you come at someone that doesn’t mind causing you harm you better know how to win. What you want to do you lose twice. Go to jail and physical pain.

 

[whiteraven]

I just feel like why should I be going through all of this pain when he gets to wake in the morning and his only thought is what he's going to have for breakfast.

Anybody else have these thoughts?. Has anybody taken revenge?. Does in take away the pain or make it easier to bear?

Well...I do know how you are feeling. I certainly have had these thoughts as I am sure many do here. But...a couple of things. How do you know this person is not suffering in some way? In fact, if you know the Buddha, you know that *everyone* suffers in one way or another. It's easy to think that, because they hurt you, you are the one who is in pain and that other one has a fantastic, cares-about-nothing life. But it's seldom true.

We all know what the Buddhist say, dont take revenge, let it go, it's in the past etc. I just cant help thinking that is a weak stance. It's the easy way out.

If it were a weak, easy-way-out stance, seems it would be easy to do. Power is not demonstrated in hate and revenge and violence; it's easy to fall back on those. It's NOT easy (as you will likely come to understand) to let go. And the one who turns to hate and violence shows an inability to control him/herself.

It won't make a perpetrator feel or think anything other than triumph because he will know without a shadow of a doubt that he really did hurt you & it still bothers you & he did a damn good job of it.

Yes, this!

As even filming someone without their consent can be illegal.
For the purposes of blackmail? Definitely illegal.
Ambush? Stalking, limiting of personal freedom, assault, intent to murder, depending what the prosecution thinks you were up to.

Yeah, if for no other reason, don't get yourself arrested. You think things are bad now...

 

[WarOfRoses]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply all of you.

I've had a good read through and absorbed what you said.

I guess secretly I wanted at least one person to say "yeah go and kick the shit out of him and humiliate him just like he did to you, that'll teach him!!!" ?

But of course nobody would. In fact in all the research I have done on revenge I haven't heard of one story that bings solice to the perpetrator.

A couple of people mentioned above that he may get the better of me in a confrontation but I assure you I would handle him very easily. That's not the point. The truth is I'm very passive. I don't enjoy hurting others and for me to exact my revenge I would need to remove the cloak of my very being.

This is what hurts the most.. he got away with it. No punishment, no justice, nothing.

I'm powerless ?

 

[Sideways]

I'm powerless

Nup. The fact you can't/ won't do something stoopid to him doesn't make you powerless. You have more options than you realise.

And the best options? Usually include putting him in your past and leaving him there.

 

[bellbird]

This is what hurts the most.. he got away with it. No punishment, no justice, nothing.

I'm powerless ?

So my abuser is currently out there, living his life, free from punishment, and probably even free from any whisper of a thought about what he did to me.

Does that make me feel powerless? Sometimes, yes.

Does that make me powerless?
Hell no.
I have power over my own health.
I have power over my relationships.
I have power over the decisions I make.
I have power over my career choice.
I have power over what I do, why I do it, and when.

Power that I have only gained from leaving him. And power that he cannot take away from me anymore.

 

[blackemerald1]

This is what hurts the most.. he got away with it. No punishment, no justice, nothing.

^I agree completely with you ^^ it does really hurt and it will probably continue to hurt for a long time.

In my experience, if I dwell on it, I can feel the rush of adrenalin & allow myself to slip into that deep black place I've clawed my way out of.. that's taken me years to get some semblance of safety & even then most of it is my mind over matter because it I spook myself too much I will feel vulnerable and weak all over again.

Don't do that to yourself^^ Don't take off your cloak of humanity. Find a way forward that doesn't rely on him being in it. I mean revenge is all about the other person or in your case 'him'. As others have suggested find a way forward without him in it at all and you'll be doing the most revengeful thing of all. Success.

Take comfort in the fact that one day, some where, unbeknown to you, he will push/slight/look at the wrong person, in the wrong place too far & will wear the consequences.

Nobody gets a free ride forever. It may not be violent, it may not be dramatic but his turn to feel pain is coming. And you will have clean hands because you left him to learn this all by himself.

So many perpetrators get away with no punishment from the legal system but somehow the Universe, God, Budha or lady luck & her accomplice Chance, whatever, will play out something for him.

Justice is so fickle and it's a very personal concept. What is Justice for one will not be for another.

So just because he's not faced a court isn't everything. I know in some cases it's all that we've got, but it still, isn't everything.

I'm powerless

^By reaching out & asking that kind of question, about revenge, means you are finding new strength & there is an inner struggle happening to change how you feel. That's good.

Directing that strength inwards to yourself & your own situation & health rather than outwards at him is difficult but shows that you are in no way powerless.

Good luck.

 

[Ronin]

A couple of people mentioned above that he may get the better of me in a confrontation but I assure you I would handle him very easily. That's not the point.

Never assume that.

That assumption is your first mistake.

I don't even start on the amount of times a random drunk got to me where trained to kill people failed.

And I wasn't even assuming the drunks in question are handleable, I was trying to steer clear, mind my business, and pacify them verbally to send them on their way.

You would be powerless IF on any would be revenge quest.

You're powerful *now*.