Rock bottom with being sick.

[Hopefulphoenix]

Hey.
I figured here was a safe place to come and write, without scaring people. Maybe to feel some solidarity from people who have been at the ptsd bottom and risen again.
I have been crying for the last 5 hours and cant stop. Of late it feels everything I try goes wrong, or all the things I have hoped for in life are just unobtainable.
Today at several times I have had that strong suicidal urge. Im not going to do anything, I hope. But its like today I really cant bear the deep emotional screaming pain inside.
Triggers... forcing myself outside of my comfort zone so I got a really big internal panic attack. I wanted to childishly pretend I could wish this shit away. It was almost a self harmy thing to do. But I feel so beaten and powerless with the agoraphobic feelings I have which I suspect is related to a parts conflict.
Then I got a phone call telling me that there is no benefit system to support me getting into some kind of job coz Im too sick. I had been told previously I could probably get a paid mentor to be with ne and teach me a job in a cafe. But I cant, thats only if I could regularly work 50 percent.
I have never been able to hold down a job, but have always told myself its just around the corner, I think I needed to believe it to keep going.
My new therapist told me in our last session that bc of the trauma in my childhood its normal that I am not able to form relationships right now. But I feel so unbelievably lonely and different to everybody else. She said I have to learn to work with myself and my parts, who are still in trauma time. But I am so unbelievably sick of being in the house when my husband is at work and my kids are in school and playgroup.
I am ridiculously homesick for england but coz of my therapy and my husbands job and the children being happy here we have zero chance of moving.
I sometimes fool myself thinking if only about england. But truth be told before I got active cptsd I held back all the pain there by alcohol, horrible men who treated me badly and overdoses. But still It feels like my younger part doesnt even know im not home and is continously in shock and feels even more terribly an outsider. The countryside back home was my refuge. Here is is completely different. The mountainous rocky terrain just really scare me.
Since I came out of the last deep depression just before xmas, and found this place I have been doing better.
But alot of that I fear, is based on just telling myself the being outside of society feeling is soon to start going. Forcing myself to start working would get me into people contact. I am terrified of people, of having to interact with them. We have no money and Im way too scared and as I mentioned to even go walking outside let alone take buses to go any place with people there.
My husband agrees with my T saying I need to start at the right end. Getting to know myself. Im so so sick of the shame of having this. I just want the pain to stop, I want to rewind time to give all my parts friends and love and safety. It seems everyone else out there in the streets has it. I dont want my kids to have a mum so limited, but sometimes I get jelous of them coz they have a shot at normal life.
Im sorry for the long, probably extremely negative rant.. but I had nowhere else to go. ?.

 

[LostInCPTSD]

I wish so had answers - I’m in a similar situation - totally lost & in pain & completely fed up with living this way. I feel like an alien and in spite of all my research and figuring out how I got here I’m still just as isolated and cannot work or function. Can barely take care of myself. Thank god I was approved at the hearing level for permanat federal disability but I keep thinking something will happen and they will take my benefits away because I simply cannot even express the difficult situation im in and the system often betrays such people in Duck unbelievable situations. No one seems to know or care about this complex trauma that plagued me every minute of every day. I’m just trying to stay in my kids lives, sharing custody of two kids, one permanently disabled with Autism, with their mother, a diabolical & dangerous narc/sociopath. I nor they will ever get away from a terrible abuser, their mother - who now I learn is just like my mother, who abused me from birth. I found what was most familiar and thought it was love but it was a trauma bond. Now I watch my kids being abused & destroyed in spite of fighting for them every day since god graced my life with them. It’s torture. Beyond torture. God help us. God bless you and I wish you peace & Love in the future. I pray to give you and all survivors strength to carry on and overcome. I hope I hope I hope.. <3

 

[jgal]

I'm glad you felt comfortable to open up and share what you have been feeling in this space. I hear your frustration that you are feeling for not being able to achieve your goals with your job and everything. It sounds like you are so frustrated that things are not going the way you want them to or that things are not happening fast enough that you feel like giving up on life completely. I also hear you saying that you are lonely,homesick and afraid.

While you are going through a lot at the moment, these are all temporary things you are going through and you won't always feel this way. It will pass, just like your depression that you had around Christmas time passed. Suicide would be a permanent solution to these temporary problems you are having, so I encourage you to hang in there for just a couple more days at least to see if things improve before you do anything drastic.

In life things are not always going to go your way except perhaps at Burger King where their motto is, “Have it your way.” I'm agoraphobic too just like you sometimes. I can't always go places alone without fear gripping me, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. It is part of my illness and it is not any different than any other illness like heart disease or cancer. It makes me different, but so what, everybody is unique. Everybody has limitations because nobody is perfect. If writing about what is going on with you like you did here helps you, keep doing that, because writing helps me and keep working with your therapist. Most importantly, be patient with yourself. I'll be praying for you.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

It's like you formulated my thoughts exactly, except I don't have husband or kids. But I get that extreme tiredness of trying to get to something better and never really getting to it.