Roller Coaster ride of Suicidal Ideation

[FauxLiz]

@blackemerald1 I don't know why providers are dropping this insurance company, possibly because they only have HMO policies, BCBS has been growing in the state and with the uncertainty of affordable care providers are attempting to maximize their reimbursement rates. My insurance changed because I went from coverage and COBRA with one employer to a new employer. I can't do an extra co-pay, anything that is not a medical emergency provided by a non-participating provider is NOT COVERED as it clearly states in the contract that is what sucks about HMO's. I suppose the only benefit of my current job is that if I can find an equal policy with a different insurer in 10 months I can negotiate to change insurers

 

[ms spock]

It has been an enormous year with stressors like I can't believe but telling myself that I am a good person and coping well, doesn't seem to fit with my internal narrative of I am a worthless piece of trash to be discarded.

Thinking of you @FauxLiz I also have a similar narrative and when something good comes my way I tend to sabotage it. Like you have I had a roller coaster ride of suicidal ideation over my lifetime as well. I am thinking of you at this very difficult time. Sending you my best wishes.

You are not a worthless piece of trash to be discarded, that is for sure, but I understand feeling like that, I have struggled with that for years. I was going to suggest Kristin Neff's Self Compassion website but when you start Self Compassion it can make things worse for awhile so you might want to hold off on that for a bit. Thinking of you.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Living in the 70s thank you for reaching out. I had a really rough day yesterday. I received a letter in the mail, anonymous, borderline threatening and certainly ominous. The letter was bad enough but it hit me like a ton of bricks why I have issues with collecting my mail as when I was in my twenties out of the blue I received several letters from an inmate of the state prison system that I had no idea who he was but he knew things about me that I had no idea how he knew. I went to the police, they contacted the prison and the letters stopped but I was scared then and I was scared yesterday.

I reached out to my T the only way I can through the practice records system to ask for another appointment this week. It has been 28 hours, it still hasn't been read and all day in the middle of meetings random ideas would pop into my head for how to do it.

 

[ms spock]

Hang in there @FauxLiz! Hang in there!

 

[blackemerald1]

anonymous, borderline threatening and certainly ominous.

Do you have policies to deal with this type of problem^^??

It has been 28 hours, it still hasn't been read

Can you do a follow up and find out why it has not been read?

 

[FauxLiz]

@blackemerald1 i have policies and procedures when this type of thing happens at work but haven’t had to deal with this at home since the 80’s. I took pictures and put everything in a ziplock bag in a file cabinet and I am glad I am supposed to move again in a week and a half

As for the appointment I was getting ready to call when the office finally returned my call unfortunately the only opening today was at a time I couldn’t make and T doesn’t work Friday’s must be a tough life.

 

[ms spock]

Thinking of you @FauxLiz. I am so sorry that you got that scary letter. How are you going now?

 

[FauxLiz]

@Living in the 70s it has been a hectic day for me. I took another emotional hit today when I called for a refill today on the prescription for the meds for my chronic pain condition. I went to my doctor's site like normal to see if he had call in the prescription and he had but not before he decided that he needed to also call in a prescription for narcan. I understand with the state this country is in why but it doesn't make feel any less angry and violated. He never talked to me about this and I am just feeling very judged.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @FauxLiz - sorry different system and am confused. What has the doctor done? Has he given your scripts or pulled them?

 

[ms spock]

I am not judging you @FauxLiz I am very concerned.

 

[FauxLiz]

@blackemerald1 what the doctor did was submit the refill for my pain meds which we are weaning off as I taper onto a new med approved by the FDA. That med is a schedule IV narcotic, what I am upset about is that he felt the need to prescribe narcan to go with it. After working together for four years, now he decided that I need to have narcan? I am the one that asked to be taken of the narcotic not the other way around.

 

[blackemerald1]

Oh I understand now.. my apologies.

Is there any regulation or law that requires him to do this?