Roller Coaster ride of Suicidal Ideation

[desiderata310]

One thing you CAN do depending on where you live and work is use your EAP benefits. You can call those folks up, tell them ou are having an emergency and get seen that day- it might be enough to take the edge off till your therapist gets back.

 

[FauxLiz]

@desiderata310 that is a great idea and if my employer had an EAP I would have no problem making that call. But no program, no benefits no emergency appointment. Before he left the new T called me to tell me that he has someone in his organization covering for him but I am struggling with having even a modicum of trust with him the idea of trying to pretend that I could in any way open up to another stranger so soon and a woman to boot I just don't see happening not when I would have to drive 90 minutes for the privilege.

 

[desiderata310]

not when I would have to drive 90 minutes for the privilege.

So just talk on the phone with this person?

 

[desiderata310]

I should like to be clear. I'm not being glib. There is something about being, at least partially anonymous that helps. That's why there are the hotlines but you have someone to call. It's worth it to try.

 

[FauxLiz]

@desiderata310 I know you are not being glib but the idea of contact a complete stranger especially on the phone is a risk I don't want to take. With no relationship, no previous contact, no anything chances are the person covering would err on the side of covering their own ass and send emergency services to pick me up for evaluation/72 hour hold. My current T and his entire organization have no history with me and no matter how bad I get, how close to the edge I am there is no way in hell I am going to give a stranger control and decision making power over my freedom.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hi @FauxLiz - it seems like you have a couple of things going on... see if I have it correct,

1. Coping with new job and situational stress it is causing,
2. Arranging for and packing up to go to new residence,
3. No Therapist - away and no substitute Therapist and no trust anyway?
4. No psydoc - appointment too far away?
5. No real family or friend support network - live too far away?
6. You have set a D day and it is imminent?

So all of this ^^ and you are struggling. Hmm no wonder.

What do you think is beyond your abilities to handle?

What can you do to solve each of these areas. Possibly not all but even start working on them.

Rather than seeing it as an 'all or nothing' situation?

Also - FauxLiz do you ever give yourself a pat on the back and tell yourself that you:-

1. Are doing your job well even if it is difficult?
2. You have moved into that hell hole and moving out will be a challenge but in a totally good way?
3. You do not trust this Therapist and need to find one you do - so start now - even if it means travelling to an appointment away from the town/city you reside in. (Make a decision and start to locate)

(I used to travel 6 hours each way once a month for my psydoc appointment and did that for 9 years - no internet coverage so no Skype capability). Either before or afterwards I did some shopping and or sat in a park. Always was a big day out but very worth it.

4. Find a psydoc who can see you faster. Failing this - go to your GP for some assistance or a referral to a psydoc who can see you sooner because if this heightened sense of SI is caused by wrong meds, wrong dose etc., that is fixable quite easily.

5. Tell your son, daughter or friends you are struggling and why (all those reasons are enough to make a person without ptsd struggle fauxliz - you do need to acknowledge this)

Stress is terrible when it all mounts up. Make a regular day or weekend for you to meet up with friends, family etc. , so you can get the hell out of there and have a break from your usual stressors and routines. You don't need to make up excuses to ask to see them - do you? My children live big distances from me too... air-plane, buses and train rides away.

6. Plan to be away for your D day or doing something you love? Invite friends or family to come to stay. Give yourself a reward - like something you really want or like? Postpone it again?

You have had an enormous year. When do you tell yourself you are a really good person and coping well - all things considering. :hug:

 

[FauxLiz]

@blackemerald1 you asked if I ever give myself a pat on the back well the answer is no. As for what is believe my abilities to handle I don't really know how to answer that. My logic center tells me that none of this is beyond my abilities after all none of the issues I am dealing with are wholly unique to me but as they start to pile on I struggle with focusing even enough to get through the day. I am excited about the move but at the same time I don't feel like I deserve a nicer place to live. I don't trust the new T and I have looked around for others but I question if my lack of trust is because we have been attempting to do therapy through video conferencing which doesn't make things easy. If it was as simple as just being willing to drive x miles or y hours to a therapist I would have never left my T of 4 years but my new insurance just to be blunt sucks. It is a small in-state company that is an HMO which I hate and providers dislike which limits the available providers whether near or far the same limitations apply for P-docs so finding someone that can see me sooner is unlikely because finding this guy 3 months out was better than the 6 month wait that I had found when calling around to other providers. If it were a long term thing I would go to my GP to see if he could assist with meds but I don't want someone to just start messing with things and end up worse than I am now.

I would like to take the day off from work on what is D day but I am struggling because I scheduled 2 days off the following week as that is fall break for my son and he is considering being home from college. It has been an enormous year with stressors like I can't believe but telling myself that I am a good person and coping well, doesn't seem to fit with my internal narrative of I am a worthless piece of trash to be discarded.

 

[blackemerald1]

doesn't seem to fit with my internal narrative of I am a worthless piece of trash to be discarded.

Good grief - this is what you are telling yourself? Come on - you know better than this. You know you are much better than this. I am telling you - you are much, much better than this!! :hug:

You do deserve a lovely place to live and I am so glad you are going to be moving into it soon.

You deserve and need proper and timely treatment to help you through too.

You deserve good things to happen to you as often as they will and if you can make good things happen to yourself then all the better!

The person who embedded that spiteful, deceitful narrative in you was wrong and is a liar.

 

[Muttly]

I have been in a similar place in the past and it's miserable. i am sorry you are dealing with that. Sometimes you just have to slog and it's exhausting and unfair.

Do you have the money to afford a session with your old T and is that an option?
If you are struggling this much don't worry about how many days you are taking off work. Could you call in sick on "d-day"? And yes, you are sick, it's just of a different variety from germs. if you called in sick, would that help or would being at work and having distractions help?
Until you can believe otherwise, we here at myPTSD will believe you are a good person, coping well and are strong

 

[FauxLiz]

@blackemerald1 and @Muttly thank you for believing I am a good person. My FOO are the ones that have taught me I am worthless trash through their actions and words throughout my life. Honestly, it is really hard not to believe them when it has seemed to be proven true so many times in my life.

@Muttly if seeing my old T was an option, I would be collecting cans on the roadside if that was what it took to be able to afford seeing him. Right now financially I couldn't swing it this week but could before the end of the month. Unfortunately, he considers our work to be terminated as he wants to ensure that I can connect with a new T.

Taking D-day off from work has more cons than anything else, I can see myself isolating, sleep late, not eat, get drunk, potentially abuse my pain meds, the last two having the potential to have bad consequences. If I work, I will be forced to be around other people, keep a regular schedule and stay sober for the majority of the day. I do agree it would be considered a sick day if I took the time off as one thing I encourage with my employees is that if needed/wanted to take a "mental health day" any time when their ability to do their job and work with the public is reduced because of what ever reason. My employees deal with the public all day M-F 8-5 and trust me that can take its toll on anyone.

 

[FauxLiz]

And the hits keep coming. Just last month I met with my PCP about whether he was willing to continue as my primary even though I was moving 3 1/2 hours away. We had a great conversation and knowing he was the doctor that I trusted to work with my for my pain meds for a chronic pain condition.

I checked my mail today over lunch and there was a letter from his office, they are dropping my new insurance company as well effective November 1. I don't know whether to scream, cry or just give up on medical care of any kind.

 

[blackemerald1]

@FauxLiz - It seems this new insurer is losing providers all over the place. What is the go with them? Have you rung them to find out why? Do you know why the providers are dropping them too?

I've no idea why your insurer's were changed but it may be necessary to change them again if you can? Idk... :wtf:

Can you do a extra co-pay to keep the doctors you have?

Btw I know this is really difficult to contend with right now but you are strong enough to deal with it and yes! we do think you are a good and decent person regardless of what anyone has told you all your life! Can you start believing in yourself just a little bit more? Also, I know it is hard but can you not take everything that happens with insurance and providers on a personal level. I know it effects you personally but it wasn't done to you personally. It's big bloody business (as usual). :banghead: