Rough Day Thread...

[Hojay]

I’ve been following this thread and I have a lot of empathy for the situation you’re in @Pippi427 It can feel obliterating to be cut off in such a way and have to put the pieces back together on your own, with no explanation. From my experience, feelings as you describe in your last post tend to stem from something deeper than the current situation, however. In other words, a resistance to let go (though never easy, don’t get me wrong!) and something like obsessive, recurring thoughts about the other can be a hint that something was shaken loose that has little to do with the other person.

In my case, when I took a step back and saw my feelings as separate from my ex who hurt me so much, I saw that it were my unmet needs in general that were causing me to feel this way, not him necessarily. He was the stimulus, not the cause. I needed to feel loved and cherished. I needed someone to choose me and stay. I needed someone to prove to me I’m worthy. Once i was honest about that, I could start to do the work of meeting those needs myself and not make anyone else responsible for feeling that way. In the process, my ex and his actions just became less and less significant. In fact, I was able to see him and his actions as completely separate from me. Once I realized that my feelings (and thus actions) were not really caused by him, I understood that it works the other way around as well. I was not the cause of his pain or actions, and I could connect with empathy to the torture he must subject himself to to act in that way (not something I wanted in my life, I realized.)

Maybe this is too abstract for where you’re at at the moment, but I thought I’d throw it in anyway. Hugs to you.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Hojay , I would agree (going only by myself), if the question 'if' is put first: are those feelings caused solely by one's own needs? 'If' they are, it really isn't about the person; almost any person will do, provided you 'think' they will meet the needs. I think that can be part of the honeymoon stage, sometimes, too.

In my case, in an abusive/ not good relationship I realized much much later it was not my needs in general, but trying (or feeling I had to) be acceptable in his eyes, to ever be acceptable in any one else's, in the future. Not an out-of-the-blue need for acceptance or approval from him but post bad treatment (from him), and well, really demeaning (from him), as a person and a woman. But at that moment, too, I realized I neither wanted to continue, nor had regret - I didn't want such a relationship, or any version of the same. There was little, if any care for me from him. Which made much more sense to me (then) why I stayed when really I didn't want to, in terms of that is not happiness/ not love. At some point I thought I loved him, but it was more who I thought he could be than who he actually was (how he acted; what he did; what he said; how little he cared; seemed he enjoyed more hurting me than to care. And as I recall, I think it was usually about 'him', mostly. By which I thought I wasn't enough). JMHE though.

 

[Hojay]

Thank you for sharing that @Junebug. It sounds like we’re talking about the same thing, unless I’m misunderstanding. The need to be acceptable in even an abuser’s eyes, is still a need. And though these horrible feelings are stimulated by the mistreatment of another, they’re still caused by one’s own need to be accepted by them. In that, they are separate from the other’s treatment; as in they are caused by my own history, beliefs, wounds, and coping mechanisms. Were I someone else, I might have reacted quite differently to their actions. In my recovery from an abusive relationship, the most difficult part was to take responsibility for my own feelings and willingness to outsource them to someone else’s mistreatment (I.e. see them as the sole source of my predicament) , while holding the fact that it was still abuse, and thus wrong, in my mind at the same time.

 

[Pippi427]

I’ve been following this thread and I have a lot of empathy for the situation you’re in @Pippi427 It can feel obliterating to be cut off in such a way and have to put the pieces back together on your own, with no explanation. From my experience, feelings as you describe in your last post tend to stem from something deeper than the current situation, however. In other words, a resistance to let go (though never easy, don’t get me wrong!) and something like obsessive, recurring thoughts about the other can be a hint that something was shaken loose that has little to do with the other person.

In my case, when I took a step back and saw my feelings as separate from my ex who hurt me so much, I saw that it were my unmet needs in general that were causing me to feel this way, not him necessarily. He was the stimulus, not the cause. I needed to feel loved and cherished. I needed someone to choose me and stay. I needed someone to prove to me I’m worthy. Once i was honest about that, I could start to do the work of meeting those needs myself and not make anyone else responsible for feeling that way. In the process, my ex and his actions just became less and less significant. In fact, I was able to see him and his actions as completely separate from me. Once I realized that my feelings (and thus actions) were not really caused by him, I understood that it works the other way around as well. I was not the cause of his pain or actions, and I could connect with empathy to the torture he must subject himself to to act in that way (not something I wanted in my life, I realized.)

Maybe this is too abstract for where you’re at at the moment, but I thought I’d throw it in anyway. Hugs to you.

No, I get it. It hurts but I get it. I'm just trying to survive day to day now. I have a race to run now. 6 miles for him I signed up to do....because I'm that kind of girl. I finish what I start. Maybe I can cry some of this out during this rainy run.

( I'll post a picture with my medal when I'm done...as long as it won't mess with copyright. )

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw @Pippi427 , well if you choose to run it really is also for you, because it honors your character. :hug: But you never 'have' to, do what feels right to you, and you can manage. It honors your character to be kind to yourself, too. :hug:

Yes @Hojay I totally agree but I am not (or cannot) eloquently find the words for it as you did. But yes that's why I put the example I did. But I mean something else, too (or I didn't expound on it):

As I said I agree and that is why I gave that example; I actually found it easy to accept my part when I realized it- but it took a long time to realize because I didn't think of it as 'abuse', and didn't recognize the thought or belief that arose with it. More a cognitive challenge than a need to fill.

But secondly, being a person shaped by my own experiences, and witness to others (as is everyone), I came to realize it was not comparable to the situation my parents had overcome, wherein my mom took a risk to trust in the gamble of my dad's struggle to recover, and his goodness, out of love for him as a person, and my dad took the gamble to risk the great uncertainty and fear of trying to recover in large part to not lose my mom. They both fought hard to get through it, but ultimately together, and always for the other. And for themselves, I suppose, because that's what they both wanted. And hence this:

. Were I someone else, I might have reacted quite differently

, with the caveat also, were 'they' someone else as well, they might have reacted quite differently. Because you don't fake 'love', you can only fake appearing loving. Or have it predicated on I will give back only what I am given, bad for bad; good for good. Or I will not care if my actions are unloving to the other, and not honor what they are giving to me, and not honor them. Whereas I witnessed them both do something different, something greater. But no one could have 'made' each other do it, I think they both had the same sentiment, and obviously internal motivation, and recognized a responsibility to themself, and each other.

I don't mean that as fixing or controlling, nor accepting abuse, nor transferring feelings or expecting someone else to do or fill for you what you have to do yourself. But naturally their relationship filled needs, that is healthy and part of the nature of a relationship. Rather I mean having enough feelings- love I guess is the word- for each other or the other to have the courage to face one's own demons to try to overcome them. Each/ both of them.

 

[Pippi427]

I did it. I achieved a personal best for this distance and won gold-medal in the age 40 to 49 category for women. It’s a bittersweet victory… I don’t know what I’m gonna do with myself now.

 

[Pippi427]

So he's responding to emails from the author of the book (an acquaintance, not an employer) we worked for fairly quickly. He just doesn't respond to me. This hurts. It kinda feels like neglect or abuse. Is this something normal during "isolation" or is this just him being a jerk? Mind you, I haven't sent him anything for a while...about a week.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Was it a work thing?

 

[Pippi427]

Was it a work thing?

Sort of? The book author was offering him a free signed copy when it comes out in print in December. The book author happens to be a personal friend of mine. L did paid work in the book for the author. But this type of thing is not his normal line of work.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It still wasn't social though, right?

He might be able to compartmentalize stuff if there is no pressure to actually interact emotionally.

It's hard to say... nobody can really know what he's doing. He probably doesn't really even know himself.

 

[Pippi427]

It still wasn't social though, right?

He might be able to compartmentalize stuff if there is no pressure to actually interact emotionally.

It's hard to say... nobody can really know what he's doing. He probably doesn't really even know himself.

Ok...yes. That makes complete sense. Really. Thank you. I’m highly analytical person myself given my line of work. I really appreciate the attention and analysis of all these different behaviors

 

[Sweetpea76]

You'll start to notice patterns with him over time... Quirks, tells, go-to coping mechanisms, etc.

Then once you think you've got it all figured out, he'll throw you for a big ole loop.