Run Away For: All Of My Problems (unhealthy); Safety (healthy)

[Kas_Can_Fly]

My most recent therapy session was odd, as it was the first one since I'd come out of psych hospital just recently. We talked about many things, none of which were typical for us to talk about and whilst I feel it was good to acknowledge those things something has stuck out as wrong in my mind.

My therapist acknowledged that at the moment I am not safe, it's not hypervigilance or paranoia, it's not obsessing over the small things that are unlikely to ever happen, there is a genuine issue. I have an enormous extended family living all over our small town, I do mean small both in terms of size and population, which means when going out it's nearly impossible not to meet someone - and the few times I've tried to prove that I'm imaging things and I'd be unlikely to see anyone, I've been proved wrong. They know where I live and they know our phone number - which wasn't a problem but our phone provider has stopped their blocking service and now we do get an occasional call (only three I think, but my mum deliberately doesn't tell me often).

A long term thought process has been the necessity to escape, to run away - not from all of my problems (unhealthy) but to find safety (healthy). But because escaping the danger feels like it would be like running away from the majority of my problems, I can't separate the two.

The other thing she was sad to bring up is that I don't have the means to move out or away, meaning that as bad as it is here, I cannot escape it, which feels like a crushingly heavy burden to bear. PTSD has messed up with my education and every attempt at work since. I don't have a way out and other that that leaving me feeling trapped, It makes me wish (a long term fantasy) of being saved, except that's not going to happen either. So I'm stuck. The only up side is she said hopefully I could wrangle the system - get 48 sessions here, then hopefully have found a way to move and then get another 48 sessions or that there's a small possibly to leave the only family I have and move into sheltered living on my own, very far away.

Mostly I don't really know why I'm telling all of this, I'm like a child whining how unfair it all is but I think it's just a rant and being very aware that I can't do anything to change it (yet), so I'm trying to lighten the burden by telling you all **Sorry!**

 

[Leanne1]

I can sometimes feel trapped, like there is NO way out of certain situations. It is not usually the circumstance, but the state of mind I am experiencing.

You can't see all of the options and possibilities right away. Change takes time.

Right now, where I am living doesn't work for me. I know this and have been struggling with it since I moved here a year ago. I don't know where I am going to go or how yet, but I am starting to visualize a place that is good for me. ( closer to people, things in walking distance, etc. )

For me, holding something as a possibility, instead of an impossibility, I am open to seeing solutions when they are available. My negative thinking can sometimes have me not see my environment accurately, and I can miss things and keep spiraling down.

I'm sorry you are feeling trapped, and understand your fantasy of wanting to be saved. I am finding in this last month that I might be able to start doing some of the looking after, nurturing and "saving" that I longed for from other people. My first step is starting to have compassion for myself. To be gentle in my judgments of where I am at.

Take good care of yourself.

 

[Sandi79]

I'm so sorry you are feeling trapped with no way out. I know that does not feel good. I am keeping you in my thoughts

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I think that it's not that I FEEL trapped, I AM trapped, before seeing my therapist, I thought maybe I was being irrational about something here or there that meant that it was only that I felt trapped, but she has said - that for the time being and quite a long time as well, I am trapped, it's not in my head - I am literally trapped.

 

[scout86]

I'm something of an expert at "running away from home". I hope this isn't scarey....think of it as a "thought experiment". What would happen if you DIDN'T have family or they WOULDN'T let you stay? Like I said, a thought experiment. For every problem, there's a solution. If you were totally on your own, you'd figure something out. Might not be easy, might not be deluxe, but you'd come up with something. What would it be?

In the industry I usually work in, it's quite common for housing to be provided as a part of your wages. That has pluses and minuses, because losing your job and your house at the same time can be challenging. Turns out, there are quite a few jobs where you can get your housing provided. Agriculture, and I most commonly work in a branch of that., but there are also quite a few "caretaker" jobs out there. I used to look on a site called "caretaker.com". Haven't looked in awhile, so I don't know if they're still around. Do a search on "caretaker jobs" or something similar. Some of these jobs require special skills. A lot of them just require a responsible person to live in the place and make sure things get taken care of. These are often second or third (or what ever) residences that belong to rich people. They are literally all over. If you think about it, there might be other options near where you want to be. Around here, sometimes an apartment complex or a trailer court wants a supervisor and they want that person to live on site, so they provide housing. Often, all you have to do is make sure no one trashes the place and call the repair person as needed. Obviously, you have to do SOMETHING to earn your residence, but you're kind of doing something now, by dealing with a situation that seems to be unsafe.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

At the moment my therapist and Social worker have suggested assisted living ar away from where I currently live, but they have said simply that I am too unstable for it right now and that it's catch 22, I need to be away to be better but I need to be better be able to live on my own even with assistance. I think it seems to be that there is this black hole of what if: What if my mental state is so vastly improved by not being here, I'm able to take better care of myself and start going outside and being able to communicate better with people around me, what if I find out when I'm 200 miles away from anyone and everything I've ever known I thrive. But there's also the opposite: What if I can't survive on my own and the little coping strategies I have are not enough and I'm isolated and unable to cope.

I've never been able to hold a job down for more than 7 weeks, when I lived on my own before I ended up in a terrible state and my social skills are so bad I find it painful to talk to anyone except the few members of family who haven't abused me. But I want to do more, I want a job and I want a social life and I want to survive, thrive and actually live my life. But I don't want to jeopardise an opportunity because I simply don't have the life skills to do it right now and that is what I am being told plus I know it's true, so I know I need to work hard at therapy and make as many strides as possible then move and continue making those advances

But Scout that's the exact kind of information I need to read thank you I will look into it more, I have looked into jobs with living arrangements included before and I definitely feel that's something I should aim for.

When I say I want to be saved, I don't really and certainly not like I have in the past, but it would be nice if some positive just fell in to my lap for a change, but fighting on I will go. :)

 

[digger]

When you're feeling a bit stronger @Kas_Can_Fly , it might be worth looking at something like Community Service Volunteers Link Removed or WOOFing (working on organic farms).

I did this when I was 19, I had pinned all my hopes on Uni being my ticket out and not realising till I got there that it wasn't actually what I wanted at all and that I couldn't cope with it. I had a minor breakdown, but after a bit of time with friends I decided to set off in a new direction.

I know you probably don't feel ready for this yet, but just wanted you to know that there are options that won't cost you more than your train ticket to get there :)

 

[The Albatross]

Having had my back up against the wall a couple times in trapped situations... I got some traction realizing that if it was to be it was up to me.

Past behavior is often a poor predictor of the future. Necessity can make the survival instinct kick in in ways that softer, gentler means don't. With the right support system, I could be more (I found) than the sum of my parts.

The first step of getting to a new place is knowing where you are. Now that you know where you are, what tools and motivation can you use to initiate improvement or change?

 

[scout86]

I know what you mean about "wanting to be saved". It's a nice thought, and I've shared it. But, in my map of reality, I don't think "the cavalry is actually going to come over the hill, so it's just a nice thought.

Thinking outside the box and coming up with off the wall options (many of which actually work) is one of my best things, so I'll keep thinking! Play around with the question of "What would I do if...?" though. You might be surprised what you come up with. On here, you come off quite well, at least in my experience. Granted, we probably "see" you on relatively good days. But, you have some social skills, give yourself credit! What kinds of jobs have you had? What are you interested in? What do you see as the biggest roadblocks you need to over come?

BTW (and maybe this is part of my pathology, so take it with a grain of salt) there's nothing quite as exhilarating as "running away from home". I love the feeling of having everything I own in my vehicle and heading down the road, not planning to come back. Anything is possible and life is an adventure! You can (potentially) reinvent yourself in any way you want to, because no one knows you (or thinks they do), no one has expectations, you're free to be who ever you want. WAY cool! Of course, when the "issues" are in your own head, they probably come along for the ride, but the ride is still fun. (But, I was totally serious when I said this might be part of my own "issues". Perhaps a middle road is better. LOL)

Do some brain storming and see what you come up with. Share your ideas here, if you want. You'll get lots of advice and support, I'm sure.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Volunteers.... WWOOFING

Me and my sister were talking about this yesterday, this is something I definitely would like to look into when a bit more stable.

Now that you know where you are, what tools and motivation can you use to initiate improvement or change?

This is the thing I can assess what I'm good/strong at - apart from being kind and wanting to help people (with out actually engaging with them because I find them all to terrifying). Motivation: I want to be away from my abusers completely and be free to actually engage with life, I want to live life rather than suffer it, I want to be able to little basic things and I want to get better. Tools: I can be strong, I can endure a lot of pain and exhaustion, I am creative, I write pretty well.

I know what you mean about "wanting to be saved". It's a nice thought, and I've shared it. But, in my map of reality, I don't think "the cavalry is actually going to come over the hill, so it's just a nice thought

Oh I don't believe in the slightest that anyone can be saved by anyone except themselves, I also believe that people can recieve a helping hand and I could have done with one at a few points, but I'm fine that passed me by too.

Thinking outside the box and coming up with off the wall options (many of which actually work) is one of my best things, so I'll keep thinking!

Me too, House sitting/pet sitting is one that I'd like to look into, just because a lot of those require you to be able to drive and I'm not allowed to, doesn't mean they all do.

On here, you come off quite well, at least in my experience. Granted, we probably "see" you on relatively good days. But, you have some social skills, give yourself credit!

Ahh! But here is behind a computer screen and anonymity. It's difficult for anyone here to know just how bad my social interaction really is, some of that is several mental health conditions including PTSD makes that, but I can assure you it's very bad and affects so many areas of my life. I am trying to work on those in therapy and desperately need to before I make the next steps or I won't be able to make them. So I understand that right now I'm doing everything I can, and I need to fix myself piece by piece not all at once, but I want more!! Patience is difficult in this setting, but I am trying.

What kinds of jobs have you had?

Nursery assistant, Teaching assistant and a part job/part study radiographical position.

BTW (and maybe this is part of my pathology, so take it with a grain of salt) there's nothing quite as exhilarating as "running away from home". I love the feeling of having everything I own in my vehicle and heading down the road, not planning to come back. Anything is possible and life is an adventure!

That does sound amazing. **Shakes fist at sky** Damn you DVLA saying I'm not allowed to drive!!!!

You can (potentially) reinvent yourself in any way you want to, because no one knows you (or thinks they do), no one has expectations, you're free to be who ever you want. WAY cool! Of course, when the "issues" are in your own head, they probably come along for the ride, but the ride is still fun.

I don't care I want all of it. I'm happy to take my issues with me and resolve them along the way! If nothing else this serves as inspiration for if not now, soon.

My jigsaw pieces need to fall into place in a very unusual order, but therapy is the key, re-learn how to live, make all the positives a bit more and the negatives a bit less. Healthier vision of myself = healthier vision of others = healthier vision of safety = less anxiety = less dissociation = able to drive = more freedom = healthier lifestyle and repeat. Now if only it were that easy! I think I just want it to happen all at once and realistically all these things take time, but I'd like to hope its like a snowball effect and the easier it becomes the more all happens at once, I'm looking forward to that bit but if I'm wrong and it doesn't I'm still looking forward to it. I do really want to become better and I am aware that maybe it sounds like I'm holding back, but really I'm not, I'm setting down good foundations so that I don't crumble down the line plus I really do need to learn some of these basics this time with healthy support.

From the rubble of all that remains and all the positive and healthy I meet along the way, I am building a new me - I'm not a very good builder, but with time and guidance I expect my efforts to pay off. I'm unlearning all the unhealthy and that's a tricky thing to wrap my head around. Nearly everything I have learned until now is wrong, no wonder it felt like I was speaking the wrong language all these years!

 

[scout86]

You're expressing a great attitude!

How about some kind of job where you communicate online?

The jobs on caretaker.com were often basically long term house sitting. Once you got there, not driving might not be a problem. Is the driving deal permanent, or something you can work towards resolving?

Here's a link to the web site I used to browse on. Dead Link Removed
You may not be able to pursue this right now, but it's interesting to see what all is out there. More than I ever imagined, that's for sure. On that site, you can search for free. You can also join and post your own ad. There are other sites as well.