Dad made it through surgery. The doctor was surprised he was even walking with the extent of damage he found.
Me on the other hand? I'm a f*cking wreck. The anxiety has barely lessened and I managed to have at least three bad anxiety attacks (as in, doubled over trying to focus on breathing) and I cried in front of my friend yesterday, which he wasn't supposed to see me do. He was so good about dealing with it all and I feel insanely bad about it...sigh. He had this agenda for what we were going to do and none of it got done. I just couldn't deal. He kept suggesting we go do things and I'd panic. Blah.
Now I'm a page and a half into this monstrous paper. I emailed my prof telling her it might be late and that it was up to her whether she decided to grade it or just gave me the F I've earned for not turning in either paper this semester. I already asked for one extension on the midterm and couldn't manage to come through -- I can't ask for another one given that. My only choice is to power through this, turn it in even if it's a piece of shit, and accept the consequences.
I feel like I'm drowning. There are definitely reasons for the anxiety (aftermath of dad's surgery, this paper and the class in general, grading a 5" stack of papers for the classes I taught, the realization I probably won't see my friend until after the new year as his daughter is coming into town this weekend and I leave for the parents' for a few weeks around Wednesday...) but it doesn't feel like the reasons are why the anxiety is there. It's just this huge oppressive blanket weighing me down, suffocating me.
I want to just curl up in a ball and cry all day, take as much anxiety meds as I can to numb it out. Unfortunately, that's just not an option right now.
