Sorry I Have Not Been Here, My Husband Finally Died At Home.

[cherryblossom]

Gizmo, my heart goes out to you it really does.

You are so right, that you need a good deal of time before you make any major decisions. I'm so glad to hear that you have such a great support network around you, to help you during such an enormously difficult time. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you for your words of support and comfort and wisdom. I am doing ok because I have my granddaughters over here for a few days. I just do not do well on the days that I am alone.

I do need some time to think about things. I want to move in with my daughter and the girls, but I need to wait until I get everything in my name.

I just do not do well on my own. I had a friend come over today and she offered to take me places to get these things done. She offered to do so many things for me.

I will have to make some business calls tomorrow. I hate all of the hassles that are involved. I do so much better with people around me. I am not cut out to live alone. I get too lonely and I have friends that I can call, but that does not do the trick.

 

[reallydown]

Gizmo, I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs.

 

[shoulderblades]

I'm so, so sorry, Gizmo. I wish I could wrap you up in a big, warm hug. I understand on a deeply personal level what the loss of a loved one is like, especially after having to care for them through pain and suffering. I understand what the aftermath feels like, too, and the void the death of a loved one leaves. You are incredibly strong for being there for your husband through his illness. Putting aside your own needs for the needs of others, especially when they are so ill, takes a huge toll and a huge amount of strength. I am glad that you are back with us and that you are staying connected to everyone here - that's important, I think, to stay connected and to remain part of a community while dealing with grief. It's important not to get too consumed in grief because it can shut you down in many different ways. I speak from experience; it's important to grieve but it's just as important to stay connected with others and to talk about your grief. We are all here for you. We're all listening to you. I definitely am. Offering you lots of gentle and comforting hugs, Gizmo.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and kindness to me. Today I was alone and did alright. I think I am finally getting used to the loss of my husband.

I am so grateful to be back on the forum. I have missed you all so much. The last few weeks have been very hard. I am doing things I was not doing before and I feel so alone in them.

Everything reminds me of my husband.

I am going to my daughters house for the next two days and going to visit some friends I have not seen or talked to in three years.
I can volunteer to help my friends out at their ranch. It will be good for me.

I am thinking there is a lot I would miss if I moved in with my daughter. I will take my time on this decision.

I have to rebuild my life all over. It will take time and effort on my part.

This summer is going by too fast. I dread the coming winter and the holidays. It is so hard to live alone. I am lucky because I have some really good support.

I am slow to change things over in my name. I know I could sell this place because I have a friend in reality. She could do it for me. But I am not ready to go that route yet.

am sleeping good at night and I am accomplishing things as they need to be done. I have to force myself.

I need to be more active and lose the weight I put on while caregiving for my husband.

You know it is strange. When my husband was normal, there were so many things I did alone. I loved being alone then. I sure do not like it now. It will take some getting used to.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Today I had so much fun. My daughter went with me over to my friends house, we talked and laughed and had so much fun.

Next Wednesday I am taking my family to Disneyland. That will be so good for me and them. I have not been anywhere fun in three years.

I am dreading the upcoming winter and the shorter days and the bad weather. I am enjoying the summer. I still have a hard time living alone.

But I am beginning to rebuild my life and as with my grief and healing process it will take time and me taking risks.

I will try to stay busy this week.

There are things I still need to do. I hate having all of the paperwork and going places to get things changed into my name. I have accomplished a lot but I still have such a long way to go.

I think I will keep my home. It is all I have and it is paid off and I have all of my things here. This place is full of memories of my husband. I still miss him so much. I hate being all alone. I always wanted to die before him. I hate being left behind.

 

[zaniara]

So sorry Gizmo for your loss! :( - The down-side of being lucky enough to find someone to love and be loved by.. I totally understand that you hate being left behind, and wanted to be the one to leave first. I would feel the same way if I had someone to share my life with. I feel that way with my kids and friends too. But you might be able to honor his memory by living a good life and telling people about him? I hope you treat your self gently, and am happy to hear you have such good friends. You're really inspiring to me in so many ways. Thank you. Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you for your kind and wise words.

I am slowly getting used to living alone.

It is so hard to lose him forever, even though he was only a shadow of his former self . He went downhill so fast, I was not ready nor prepared.

You are so right, I am so lucky, he loved me passionately, and I loved him. Slowly I am getting used to being alone.

I have missed him today. I do have to confess that it is a relief that the caregiving is all over. I need to rebuild my life.

Today, I ran some errands and went food shopping. There was no bills in the mail today. A medical test I took came back normal.

I am relieved about that. I cannot afford to be sick. I am not ready for something like that.

I am doing the best I can. I had a huge salad for lunch today.

Tomorrow I will go clothes shopping and hope to find some nice things to fit me. I have gained so much weight doing the caregiving.

Thank you that you said I inspire you. I do not feel very inspiring at all. I am trying to grieve and heal from the loss of my soul mate and I am trying to heal.

I am dreading winter. I do not look forward to the holidays. I do not know what what my daughter will do. Her house will be in foreclosure again. I think it is time for her to learn how to swim. I wrote a nine thousand dollar check to get her out of foreclosure. I cannot afford to do that again.

She will have to learn how to manage. Her divorce is dragging out and she is entitled to half of his bonuses and 401K. I have to learn how to let go. I do not know how she will manage and he is dragging out the divorce.

He wanted her bank records so I hope her attorney will return the favor to him.

She is under a lot of stress.

This trip to Disneyland will lift our spirits. I am greatly looking forward to it. I got the money out of the bank today for the trip.

This will be a hard week for me. I will be alone for most of the week.

 

[Anna]

My condolences Gizmo. I am sorry for your loss.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much. It is so hard right now. I am being flooded by memories of him with the dementia, and I do not know how I managed to take care of him for three years. I miss him so much. It is so hard to adjust to being alone even though he was not there at the end. Technicly I have been the responsible one taking care of everything.

I am going back into therapy to deal with everything. I am so glad I have a good therapist.

I have the girls for three days and they have helped me so much. Today I am going to go and buy them some new clothes. I took them to the movies yesterday. They had such a good time. Then they went to the pool to go swimming. I had a good chat on the phone with my daughter and hopefully me and my family will go to my friends house next week.

There are still things I have to do. I am working on getting the title into my name only. I have to drop my husband from his drivers liscence and get a new pink slip to the car since he threw it away one day.

I have been through such a ordeal taking care of him and then he died.

I hate the fact that it takes time to recover and heal from this. I want to feel better now. It has only been three months since he died. I do not know how I got through that. I was doing better than this, this time it hit me really hard and I feel weird.

I hate that it is my turn to suffer this great loss. I am having such a hard time with feeling lonely.

 

[Me Myself and I]

I am so sorry to hear about your husband. May he rest in peace.

 

[Chincho]

(((((gizmo)))))