S & M - Its Relationship To PTSD?

[gnirolockoob]

It has to be S&M for me or I won't get aroused. I know for sure it's a result of my past, but I'm limited to porn because when I practiced it personally all I got was flashbacks and dissociation.

 

[Kintsugi]

@becvan Holy crap you're still here! And you still have the same title below your name. I love it.

None of the links posted here were directing properly on my phone, so I don't know if this was successfully found and linked, but I've had this thread up in a tab since it was created so I could try and find a thread where people on the forum who had been sexually assaulted or long-term abused were discussing their preference for BDSM. I had some posts there but I can't find it.

I don't think that BDSM can cause PTSD unless, like any other form of sex, it becomes non-consensual or forced. I do think that for many who practice along the BDSM spectrum it reflects something in their history, but that is far from being always or even usually the case in my experience.

I personally don't enjoy sex unless I'm playing a submissive role and it's rough. Just the other day I got triggered because my fiancé went to put his hand around my neck and hit my throat too hard. But I've been triggered worse by seemingly benign acts that were not sexual at all. Plus, in the rare moments this happens, my fiancé will stop entirely, ground me in his intuitive way, give me a hug, "check in," etc., and we usually continue, so I actually think it's been good for me. It rewrites the ending, in a way.

I also agree that the sub has superior control. Really the sub is who calls the shots. It's like Rambo isn't in control in the movie even though he's the one with the machine guns, because really there's a script and a director, and they can hell "cut!" at any point.

I didn't read this whole thread, but I did skim over some really hurtful words directed at those who practice BDSM. I think if users have a really strong reaction to this sexual lifestyle, they need to examine their own issues instead of telling people with healthy, consenting, adult sex lives that they are seriously sick.

 

[Spiderallis]

Kink can either be a very helpful way to express things, or it can be a horrible triggering mess. For me it's been an asset. That's how I learned to communicate, it built up some self esteem and many other things.

I don't think a trauma history predisposes anyone to being into BDSM. Several of my friends do have similar histories, but the same could be said of any special interest group- there's probably a fair amount of abuse survivors at teddy bear collector conventions too.

The major difference between abuse and kink is consent- informed consent at that- knowing exactly what is and is not acceptable and all those involved agreeing to it. It takes a lot of trust to really believe the other person will stick to that agreement. Without that trust, it's a very bad idea. It's all just humans, some are good, some aren't. The only safety net is getting to know each one as an individual before trying anything risky.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Using role play in sex between two consenting adults is perfectly acceptable. Isn't bdsm just another form of role play?

I agree about the trust issue but would like to add that total honesty is very important also. If you've given your trust to someone who's not being honest with you, that can wind up in a very bad way, too.

 

[HëllaBubz]

BDSM, for the most part that I know about it, is when you walk up to a door, take your shoes off and walk into another reality willingly, because there is a core basic need that is fulfilled by it.

I have been on both sides of the fence, one where I was raped consistently and repeatedly for hours on end, and one where even though I was restrained, I could opt out at any time, and I was completely respected.

You, the sub, decide when you've pushed your boundaries to a fulfilling point and at that point you've either reached satisfaction, or you've called your safety word.

I think there are some strong opinions in this thread, but it's worth remembering that from my perspective, someone's inability to understand the BDSM component of someone's life can be somewhat compared to that of someone who finds ongoing domestic violence incomprehensible.

I remember the 'before', where my PTSD (that I didn't know I had or that it was in remission) didn't affect my sex life, and the after, where it completely and utterly destroyed my sex life, desire and drive, and I'm still working now on that.

Interestingly though, in my short journey through healing so far has actually helped me to the point where my sex desire is reviving because I can watch BDSM porn without being triggered, and slowly integrate other types of more mainstream porn so that I can deal with intimacy better.

But participation in either BDSM or normal intimacy is still a while off, so I'm in the same boat as @gnirolockoob.

I do have one question though......since there is such a heavy population of PTSD sufferers on here that have a prior family/life history in abuse, are you going to be able to get an unbiased or objective answer/view on your original question?

 

[Hashi]

since there is such a heavy population of PTSD sufferers on here that have a prior family/life history in abuse, are you going to be able to get an unbiased or objective answer/view on your original question?

Maybe you'll get an informed one? Since the topic is about the possible relationship of abuse to BDSM, aren't PTSD sufferers in the best position to discuss that?

I was into S&M (BDSM) when I had traumatic amnesia. When I recovered memories, I realised I'd been acting out a lot of what had been done to me. Initially I felt really sickened by that. My therapist made me feel better, saying it was an unconscious way of trying to reframe it and be in control this time. I think it was more than that, though. I think it was partly a pattern I'd been programmed into. (She agreed with that possibility too.)

I've always had sexual fantasies that depended on fantasising about submission, pain, degradation etc which was the only thing that would work for me and before recovering memories didn't seem unhealthy. Because of suddenly getting memories the way I did, the fantasies no longer feel healthy but there are no alternatives. They were very bad when first remembering and I'm glad I wasn't in a relationship then because if I had already felt safe with someone I think I would have wanted to act on them, even in a mild way, and I don't think it would have been a good idea. Even to have had those fantasies in my head while being with another person, I don't think would have been good.

The way I see it for myself is that I'd internalised the "gratification" of submission because as a child my sexual submission gratified someone else. I see it as being from damage to my sexuality from childhood abuse and adult sexual violence because that taught me on a subconscious level that my sexuality was tied to me being a victimised, degraded and hurt. I learnt that sex (or what I knew as sex) was about pleasure for the other person, and that pleasure depended on their power over me, so my sexual power came from being a victim. Things got twisted into feeling that acting the role of a victim was empowering, but it was a false sense of power. In fact it meant only being a victim, and in the circumstances it was impossible to separate the two meanings of "acting" - role play and behaviour.

I think my involvement in S&M was/is understandable, but not a healthy thing for me. I see it as a symptom of my trauma history and something to work through and heal from rather than something to embrace. For myself, I agree with an earlier post that said something like the choice and control is not real choice and control, if the person is emotionally unwell.

For myself, I agree with the comparison to people "choosing" to stay in an abusive relationship because their sense of self has been so affected. Related to that, I think it can have similarities to Stockholm syndrome, in the sense that being spared something worse - I would have experienced more violence if I hadn't submitted - can make the situation on one level be perceived as positive. Also in that sometimes the mind's defence is to see the source of trauma as a positive thing. Adopting the perpetrator's values can be a way for the mind to cope with what happened.

I'm only talking about myself because I'm the only person I know about in this much detail. I did want to state my view, as someone who has experienced both childhood sexual abuse/adult sexual violence and S&M. In my case, I don't see S&M as healthy at all, but I do see the possible illusion of that.

 

[Spiderallis]

I see a lot of mentions of people finding submissive roles to be their fantasy and choice when acting upon the ideas... does the dominant side hold any appeal? Sex wasn't a big factor in my abuse, but power was.

little example- some folks might want to skip over this, it gets weird-

when I was in school I got picked on mercilessly for having stinky feet. It's not that I wasn't clean, my feet just stink. There's a pretty big foot fetish scene, with a small sub-group that likes stinky feet. I ran into some of those folks, and years of shame and anger faded. One friend even delighted in an online roleplay that helped me work through a bad memory from high school gym class- he took on the role of the mean girl and I got my 'revenge' out in a safe setting with someone who enjoyed it. I took on the dominant role, and took back the power I'd lost years ago to a gym class bully.

Not sure how it would apply to dealing with sexually based abuse, but turning the tables helped me with some of my issues.