Coming to terms with dissociation has been very hard for me, and I struggle with it yet, from time to time. However, I honor it as a coping mechanism that did not keep me from living quite so much as it kept me from dying or fracturing beyond repair, from being overwhelmed by my life. Dissociation was my protector, not a kindly one, perhaps, but necessary.
I regret being dissociated, but... I find that like you said, I can have the contrast and appreciate even my painful feelings so much more, and more deeply than non-traumatized people. And I find I can go back, relive/remember the past, so vividly, sometimes, through journaling and therapy, that I can still deal with the old emotions that I was dissociated from in the past.
I am sorry you feel you're losing your life to it. I am happy to have mostly come through my years of dissociation so that it is more like a cold now, in intensity and duration than chronic pneumonia. I'm glad it's weakening for you, that's a wonderful sign.
But it's a very hard, honest question you ask, and my impulse is to just answer in the way I have, to make the best of things and appreciate the silver linings. But I respect that we can't turn all our lemons into lemonade and that we lost things through the trauma, including the ability to be fully present, emotionally present, sometimes for very long periods. It's unfair and sad, but unfair and sad is a part of life for so many, I guess I just figure it's part of the human experience, our own particular variety of imperfect and all I can do is work to prevent abuse/trauma for others, perhaps, since I can't undo the past.
