Saying Things

[Definitely..maybe]

I'm not sure how to really describe this but I would love any feedback.

For as long as I can remember struggling with PTSD I have a hard time staying present. I can be in a conversation, walk away, and have no idea what was talked about. Sometimes it really scares me as I worry if I've said something awful. So far, I haven't. But I get awful panic attacks when I stress and have no idea what was said, if I sounded like an idiot, made dumb comments, made someone think bad things about me.

On the total opposite side sometimes I say things (nothing bad or that people think twice at) and it just seems to echo so loudly in my head, I feel like an idiot, feel like I talked too loudly and I just want to dissapear.

I wish I could feel invisible, usually I feel 10 feet tall and enormous, just in everyone's way so worried ill mess up.

 

[arfie]

Yes, I have experienced this, entirely too often. I have gotten much better about staying in the present and it helps allot. I still struggle mightily with the anxious and critical review of everything I say. Progress over perfection. I am still working on it.

Lucky you if you have gotten through this state without offending anyone. I am not nearly so lucky. I was often appalled to be told what came out of my mouth in my version of this state. "Mindfulness" exercises were the tools which helped me learn how to stay in the present enough that I am able to respond to the person in front of me instead of the whatever they remind me of.

Gentle validation. It is tough stuff, but you are not alone. It CAN be managed.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

Thank you so much @arfie , it really helps to not feel alone with this. I am so glad you have been able to overcome it! I'll research some of those excersises.

I'm extremely grateful that while my comments in these conversations aren't great I'm able to answer 'correctly' I suppose for the situation.

 

[InsideAWord]

I've been struggling with this as well, and sometimes the feelings of worry and shame will make me sick to my stomach.

 

[InsideAWord]

Honestly, I thought I was the only person who thought like this. I don't know if it is stemming from any self-loathing I have yet to confront or maybe it's something else. Does anyone have any ideas? I'll talk to my therapist about it tomorrow.

I didn't think to categorize it as a way of dissociation. Can you elaborate on it? I'm just wondering if this is just my paranoia or if it is actually a repercussion of PTSD that I'll just have to learn to harness.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

I believe it's a form of dissosociaton, however I'm honestly not totally sure!

It's so hard to describe. For me personally I feel like I can go through a whole conversation and not really be there. Sometimes it's in person, sometimes a phone call. Afterwards I'll try to rectify the situation and usually only make it weirder!

What's it like for you @InsideAWord ? I would love to hear what your doc says!

 

[arfie]

My docs said it was classic dissociation. For what it's worth.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@arfie that helps a lot- thank you!!

 

[InsideAWord]

The thing is I'll know exactly what I said in a conversation, remember it all, but then think about it later and beat myself up for things I said. I'll never say anything bad but I'll worry if I came off as self-centered, obnoxious, etc.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@InsideAWord YES!! That's the other part I was talking about. I remember everything too vividly and all I can think about is how I came off to another person, feels like I said everything loudly and just feel so embarrassed. It's so weird.

 

[InsideAWord]

@Definitely..maybe It sometimes will get to the point that, even when I'm doing a task that I think is fun or at least fun to be around, the thought will creep up and I'll mull it over so much to the point that my stomach starts hurting and I feel sick. It makes me re-think my entire view of the world and how it impacts my personality. I begin to doubt even my value as a human being and I worry that if I try to just relax and "be myself" then I'm going to come off to others in a way that I didn't intend, which will result in them ultimately disliking me for just being myself... and that's worse, you know? Because then they actually hate you for who you are.

I don't know if this stems from my trauma or not. It might. I don't know. I just don't remember feeling sick to my stomach because I'm second-guessing my personality at any point prior to my trauma.

These thoughts seem to pop up late at night. I don't know if it's because I'm exhausted or I'm just more emotional due to lack of sleep.[DOUBLEPOST=1400115215,1400115146][/DOUBLEPOST]I know I'm still having a hard time forgiving myself after my trauma. I struggle with it everyday. Even though I work and I'm finishing up my bachelor's degree, it is always in the back of my mind.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@InsideAWord I understand so so much and I'm so grateful to not feel alone (even though I'm so sad you have to struggle with it too). It literally will make me sick with worry thinking about it and at it's worst it can make me want to die that second I can't stop thinking about it. Crazy- I know. And I completely relate, I feel like I'll say something (or say it in a way) that makes people dislike me.

I think it bothers me so much late at night because I know there's nothing I can do to change anything at that moment and it's all I can focus on. Best analogy I can think of is stressing you're pregnant but haven't taken a test and you can't right at that exact moment when you desperately have to know.

I definitely don't remember this pre any trauma. I don't know how to even bring it up to my doctor because I feel like they could think it's a silly thing- but it can feel so big to me. I'm working on my bachelors and other schooling too (luckily now receiving disability so no more working for a bit) but I have reason to be busy with other things- not this!