Scapegoating In The Family And Its Consequence.

[Let It Be]

Philippa,

Just wanted to say thanks for posting this site.

http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/healing-from-narcissistic-abuse/

I went to it and found it to be so informative. My radar is constantly on now, after hearing about the narcissistic people that had been in my life.

I will take some time and go back and re-read it from time to time!

 

[a3a2]

Gizmo,

I only read your opening to this thread, so forgive me if I am currently way off topic, but I just had to comment on your opening....

Gizmo, your sensativity is a gift. A gift your family didn't appreciate, but others do....including me. Without your precious sensativity, you could never be as compassionate and as understanding as you are.

With healing, I believe you won't be so "thin skinned". But you will undoubtedly keep your gift of compassion. And for that, I am glad.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((a3a2))) Thank you for your kind and gracious words to me. I got them at a time when I needed them the most. I so appreciate what you had to say. All I can say is thank you from the bottom of my heart. What a lovely thing to say about me.

 

[Philippa]

It's true. Sensitivity is a real gift and in this world it is very much needed, and so is compassion and understanding, so anyone who is sensitive is someone who is making a real difference in the world. It's just a pity sensitivity gets such a bad rap in many peoples distorted lack of vision.

 

[Britt.f7]

It's just a pity sensitivity gets such a bad rap in many peoples distorted lack of vision.

I know I was always taught that it was a weakness. My mom always tried to "toughen" me up. Didn't work and I just ended up feeling bad for who I was. Her theory on doing this was that she was protecting me.

I told her later in life, so your hurting me was better then a stranger? She didn't have anything to say to that.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

]My mom tried to toughen me up too. She was really hard and harsh and sometimes bordered on cruel. I think that was great Britt that you were able to tell your mom that. Good for you.

 

[Britt.f7]

Thanks Gizmo! I finally started answering, when confronted with the proverbial "toughen" up stuff, that I have been this way my whole life and if I was going to change, I would have done it by now. I never ever say anything like that to my boys. My oldest is very sensitive. I've tried to help him understand it as he grew up, but I never tried to "toughen" him up.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I never tried once to toughen up my kids. I think it is cruel. So harsh.

 

[Britt.f7]

Me too Gizmo, me too.

 

[Philippa]

I know I was always taught that it was a weakness. My mom always tried to "toughen" me up. Didn't work and I just ended up feeling bad for who I was. Her theory on doing this was that she was protecting me.

I know this one well. I still remember my mother actually saying to me "you need to harden your heart Philly." on top of other really stupid messages like telling me to use men and lose them (yes, she actually said those exact words to me whilst laughing one day), and only pick men with money (both my parents used to say that to me.)

My brother has an attitude about "softness" as though it is weak, and I grew up with two brothers, and a father who is tough and thinks that he is superior to me for being this way. No wonder my brothers are so screwed up. It's the other way around...softness is strength, but they are too distorted to realize it.

I told her later in life, so your hurting me was better then a stranger? She didn't have anything to say to that.

Anything I try to say to her now she reverts to me being dramatic and saying she is a 'bad mother' and accuses me of perfection thinking. I say "I'm not expecting perfection, just progress, and I don't think wanting a mother I can trust is too much to ask...but obviously that's never gonna happen."

 

[Britt.f7]

she reverts to me being dramatic and saying she is a 'bad mother'

Oh my goodness, my mom did the same exact thing whenever I tried to talk to her about my childhood and how I felt. The whole 'bad mother' bit. Drove me crazy. Took until my early 40's before I finally told her that was not helping and let's stay focused!

My brother and dad are "macho" men. That's okay, I see their soft side when they think no one is looking. Especially my brother. Heaven forbid they show that side on a regular basis.

 

[Philippa]

It drives me nuts as well.

Me:"Did I say you were a bad mother"

Her:"Well what do you want from me?"

Me:"Gee, I don't know...how about a mother I can trust, who doesn't ignore me for a whole year as though I don't exist, and then talks about how great her communication skills are, someone who doesn't backstab me to my brothers and turn them against me without mentioning the whole story and her part to play...someone who keeps her word and doesn't just say things to manipulate me, and who isn't mean to me, and tells my brothers that she "can't be bothered with me" when she was the one who was acting like a total psychopath...that would be nice."

Her: No reply.Continues to ignore as though I don't exist, then can't work out why I don't want to see her.

Standard mother shit.