Scapegoating In The Family And Its Consequence.

[Philippa]

That's a really good way to go about it Abstract. Accept that they are the way they are...they are predators, and they aren't going to change for anyone unless they look at themselves, which may never happen.

It's like stories about the jungle, and the frog befriends a snake. The snake makes the frog think they are friends, and then one day, all of a sudden he corners the frog and attempts to eat him. The frog goes "but I thought we were friends?" all confused, and the snake goes "we were, but you knew I was a snake all along."

That's just how snakes operate. It's nothing personal to their victim, it's just how it is.

 

[Tanishq]

My dad says he has got great reputation from where he works. He always gets such reputations. It never worked in long journey. It felt like he tries so hard to impress me with his success. He doesn't know about success at all. He doesn't know how he reached here. He thinks he did it all. He has not good thoughts towards life.

Yes, He is like energy drainer, bully, abuser and very self centered. I have begun to forget him day by day. I don't think people like my dad deserves to be in my family. I have decided not to focus on him at all. I have left him mentally and I have made sure in my mind, think of him only when he first apologizes, shows changes and behaves with some good manners to me otherwise forget him like I saw bad dream.

He has caused so much hurt, I think parent-kid relationship is beyond repair. I have tried my best. This is enough for me. I don't want to add more to suffering.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Abstract I think what you said is very relevent. I appreciate your sharing your thoughts. It means alot to me.I think I have become complicit by not saying anything. I have just let her run on at the mouth. I have been under a spell and feel I am just waking up. I am now prepared to speak up from now on. I do not want to hear it anymore. I will practice this.

Philipia, I loved your story about the frog and the snake. It puts it all into context for me in a couple of situations. It really helped alot. Thank you for sharing that one. I really appreciate it so much, thank you.

Jaret, I do not expect your father to apologize, I do not know him but he seems set in his ways. Like you, I have my work cut out for me. I have to accept that my sister is a snake. It simplifies everything. I think keeping this perspective will help so much.

 

[Britt.f7]

Jaret, my sister often tells me and others how everyone loves her, or how great her marriage is, or how wonderful her children are. I think they do this out of their own insecurities. I also think she knows, on some level, that I know this is not true. It's almost like they are saying, see how good I am, how can you not think that.

Philipia, I heard a story similar to yours except it involved a scorpion and, I believe, a frog. Same parable though.

Gizmo, you are not being complicit by not saying anything, though I do understand this as I feel this way at times. Sometimes it is very draining to fight and you just have to ask yourself, in this case or another, is it worth it to confront them. :banghead: Your energy is better directed at the things or people that value you and you value. Of course this doesn't mean you should not put boundaries up. I try doing the same with my sister. I truly think you sound better at it though.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Britt. It is very draining to fight. I do not have heart for a fight. Thank you for saying that I have good boundries. I think you are right about focusing on the people who value me. I appreciated what you had to say.

It is a matter of adjusting my perspective. I will accept her as she is and know that she is hurtful. I think that will help so much.

 

[Abstract]

((((((Gizmo))))

I think all your thoughts about this are very good. The only thing that is important is to respect yourself when deciding how to react. If that looks like not wasting your energy and time on discussing things with someone that isnt capable of hearing them that is a great thing. If that looks like correcting something that is being stated that you are and that you are not then that is a great thing too.

Its all about what feels authentic and right for you. Its all about building trust with yourself and respecting your feelings. None of it is to change her or others as we cant do that. There are lots of ways of claiming yourself and it can literally be to just let something roll off you like water off a ducks back. Or it can be assertiveness. Or it can be a slight indication that you don't agree through body language or gesture.

I do think the most valuable part of it all is acceptance of who someone is and what we can expect from them. Sadly your sister sounds very damaged by all that happened to her and impaired. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Abstract, she is very damaged and impaired and I have tried to make allowances for that. But I have to change some things to better my situation with her. I do not have to take it personally because I know I am not the person she defines me as. I think to her I am like a touch stone. I am tired of it. It is very draining and I am getting tired. She will never change. She has alot of pride and has to do things herself.

I have always done what I could. I do not have it in me to play the game anymore which I think is a sign of growth for me. I will never have a good relationship with her and I have to accept this.

I will just tell myself this is who she is. And give her limited support as she goes through her health problems. Thank you for your feedback it has really helped me out so much. I am even beginning to feel alittle peace about the situation. I have alot of options now that i did not have before. And it was good to vent it out of me. I have been one like under a spell and I have just woke up.

 

[Shellbell]

I think it is particularly potentially problematic for those who are used to putting others first as in childhood they tend to have been taught to not have a self. That means that it is easier to then loose oneself when you meet up with someone who sees you as an extension of them. If we are not careful we can become complicit.

I think this is particularly important. Throughout my childhood, I had no self. I was used by my mother to care for my younger siblings so she didn't have to. I was abused by my fathers friends - fulfilling their disgusting needs. My sisters both still to this day use me as a verbal punchbag, or when being 'nice' still say hurtful, nasty things - but it a 'jokey' way - which I am not 'allowed' to react to. And everything was always my fault in some way. And I believed them and still have guilt for things they blamed me for.

My sense of just being there for other people's needs continued on throughout my adult life, including my first marriage and my current marriage - where I put both my husbands needs first and didn't consider I had any needs myself. I felt if I didn't do everything they wanted, they would leave me. Now I'm last in my current husbands needs being himself, his job, our children....in that order, with me trailing well behind.

Now I am considering I have needs, I'm not there to be used/abused by everyone and it's too late. I'm 41, stuck in marriage with someone I shouldn't be with, have children who I dont want to come from a broken home, so I'm putting them first, knowing I will never be happy as a result.

I needed to know I had needs and a sense of self 20 years ago, not now. I finally worked out I'm not here on this planet to just make everyone else happy at my own expense, and it's too late.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Shellbell, it is not too late. You can start over at any time. I think it is good to grieve the wasted years. I have so many of them. I wish I knew back then what I have learned and know now.

I am starting over and I am fifty eight. For a year and one half I have sat grieving the life I led. It gave me a chance to heal. Now I am taking steps to go out and meet new people. It is very scary and I do not want to do it, yet I push myself to go.

I am sorry you feel you should not be in your marriage. I know you are a good person. You are still young enough to start over. Just do what you can. You have so much on your plate right now. I hope you dose and pace yourself in the things that you do. You are still dealing with alot of trauma.

I am learning about my sense of self now and that I have needs and wants too. I used to put everyone in front of me. I still do this sometimes. We have so much to learn. We can make the best of what we have learned so far.

We are growing and learning alot. We are sorting through alot of situations with people in our lives. We are grieving over the ways we were abused in our childhood and adult years.

But we can always start over. Grandma Moses did not start to paint until she was in her eightys. We need to heal from our deep wounds. This takes time because our wounds went of for years and years.

I understand that you are grieving the many losses. You will be ok. I remember the most awful years in my healing process and I am doing so much better than I was. It will improve for you. You are making wise and good choices for yourself. You will heal so much that is broken. It takes as long as it takes.

I wish I had a magic wand and could take all of this pain away from you but I cannot. I can only root and cheer you on from the sidelines. Big hugs.

 

[Let It Be]

My sister and I stopped talking to one another because I just couldn't handle it anymore. It was like I finally woke up and asked myself, why was I tolerating her talking to me the way she was. It was like, I was doing it because she was my sister, and that's what you do.

I finally had to stop talking to her while my mother was not in good shape. She was in charge and I realized everything was going to be done her way anyway. I still thought though in the back of my mind, that she would at least call me to tell me that our mother had died, but she didn't!

I still wonder if we ever will talk about that. How was my mother's funeral? I heard about my mother's death by way of the answering machine. My brother-in-law called my brother. My brother called some friends of my mother's. These friends called to give me their sympathy and since I wasn't home at the time, that was the message I received on the answering machine when I got home.

I didn't know the date of her death, only by way of Google. Saw her obituary, etc. and where the funeral was going to be. It wasn't in the city where we had lived.

I wonder a lot what our conversation would be like, if we ever have one, but I know from the past, it wouldn't go in my favor. Spent too many years trying to get something from her, nothing really in common, but it is still sad. I just learned that I couldn't compete with her, I wasn't the "golden child" like she was!

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you Gizmo :hug:

I think I am grieving. It feels like I am dying inside, little by little, every week getting worse. I want to have hope, but any I had, has faded away.

Maybe it's a process, something needed before the future can get better.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Let it be, my sister did the same exact thing to me. She never called me to tell me that our brother had died. I found out by my neice her daughter. They did not invite me to the funeral either. I was so angry at her I cut her off for three years. I think I am trauma bonded to her because I missed her and invited her back into my life.

Things have not been the same since that happened. We have not talked about it. I still have hard feelings about that. I spared myself alot of grief by cutting her off. I do not like my sister but I have a sick bond with her. I only have phone contact with her. We live an hour away from each other. Now she is dying and I am still not going over to to see her. There just is too many bad things that she does. She is a big gossip, two faced, and a backstabber among other things. i have always made excuses for her, but I am not doing that anymore.

I will accept her as she is and i will have firmer boundries with her.

I am so sorry the same thing happened to you especially with it being your mom. This happened to my MIL too. The family did not call until after the funeral so I think this happens alot.

It is a very tragic thing to happen. I wish you the best with your healing.