Scapegoating In The Family And Its Consequence.

[Deleted member 12723]

I was the scapegoat I n my family. I was held responsible for what my brothers and sisters did.

In my teenage years I had alot of anger. I think it has long term affects on personality. Among other things.

Now when I get blamed for something not my fault, I tend to go negative on myself. I have to really fight going negative on me. I call myself the most horrible things.

Has anyone had success overcoming being a family scapegoat? Are you healing from this?

Every once in awhile I get triggered and the old stuff comes up. Both of my parents worked as a team. It was very abusive over such a long period of time. I think this is why I take things so personally.

I would really love to overcome this. i would like to grow a thick skin and not take things personally, and live and let live. It is hard to be bombarded by stuff by more than one person. I think it is because I was different and could see the things were wrong. The reason I know this is because when my parents were interrogating and lecturing me they would get angy about the expressions on my face. Too much for a little kid to handle. Thanks for listening.

 

[Britt.f7]

Gizmo, your experience sounds like mine. Only exception, my parents were divorced and I lived with my mother and younger sister. If something happened, I got the brunt of the punishment. My sister admitted that to me once. Apparently, when I was no longer living there, she got in trouble for something and my mom yelled at her(don't remember what it was about). My sister told me that she told her mom to stop treating her like she treats me. Should have been an eye opener.

With my mother and sister I learned to speak up. My mother was actually easier then my sister to do this with. Not sure why. Maybe it is all those years of having to be responsible for her.

I haven't been able to get rid of the "I'm the one at fault" feeling that I usually carry with me. I fight it. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes not. I notice when I am sick, I tend to cry and apologize. I feel really bad even though I can't help being sick. I often think that people are mad at me. I've learned to ask so that it doesn't go round and round in my head.

I wish I could be more helpful. I do know you don't deserve feeling bad for those things that are out of your control. Hugs!

 

[Abstract]

Gizmo,

I am really sorry that happened to you. You seem like a genuine and kind person and deserved better than that. Actually every single human being deserves to be treated with respect.

I do relate to a lot of this and it is very painful. One aspect of this that I have overcome is that I have changed my role in my family. I refuse to be the one that just keeps taking things and gets bumped on. I did this with good assertiveness and really strong boundaries and distance when it was needed (and lots and lots of support in T). It was hard and painful but liberating and healing. It seems to me though that it isn't this that is the problem so much but rather your internal perception of others intent. That you go back into thinking you are being got at. ?

I have only recently realised that my whole life I felt I was being attacked. I put a good front on and hid it very well but internally everything was very painful; all relationships rife with potential attack. Shall to get my brain to work and think of what helped. It is still an issue for me too sadly. Angry sarcasm is one thing I really can't cope with. I seem to just disintegrate and feel like a humiliated 5 year old.

 

[Shellbell]

I was always the scapegoat too Gizmo. I was singled out for everything - including being to blame for everything. I was the eldest of my siblings, so everything they did was my fault.

My parents blamed me for my sister being molested by my fathers 'friend'. It had been going on to me for 3 years and I was too scared to tell my parents. When I found out it was also happening to my sister I told them, and they blamed me for not saying earlier as it would have prevented my sister being hurt. So, what happened to my sister was my fault. I was a child. And my parents knew what was going on. That level of emotionally destructive abuse is lifechanging. I still hold guilt for that in me, even though I can rationalize it was my parents fault, all of it. I still wonder about what I 'should' have done. I'm only using this example - as it feels like the ultimate act of a parent making their child a scapegoat.

Like you, Gizmo, I had a lot of anger in my teenage years, anger and depression. We are right to be angry, how we were treated was horrendous and does affect us.

I think the emotional abuse we are subjected to as children by parents, can be some of the most damaging of all. It changes us at core level and sets us up for a lifetime of guilt and taking the blame and shame for things that are not ours to hold.

It also causes us to be very triggered by the way people interact with us. My husband is always very defensive in arguments, and can never take responsibility for his actions, shifting the blame away from him. This drives me mad and makes me angry, as it triggers my past stuff.

I know this still affects me and I think this scapegoat, blaming stuff is a big thing I need to work on in therapy.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Britt thank you for sharing your experience with me. So you have to deal with lingering effects too. Ii is hard to fight but it can be done.

I did not learn to speak up for myself. I acted it out in anger and rage. But them I would feel guilty and ashamed and apologize. A vicious cycle.

Now i deal with things in a more mature manner, many painful and costly lessons taught me there was a better way.

Funny, my brothers and sisters said I got the brunt of it too. But in our family it was about pure survival. It was everyone out for themselves.

I really appreciate your feed back. I feel hope. It is when we are down that we are more vulnerable. I wonder why. This does not make any sense.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Abstract thank you for sharing with me. I am sensitive to being attacked. I do not see ghosts though. I can differentiate from a real attack to a difference of opinion, and I do not know how I devloped that, I thank you because I just realized this is a strength of mine. I appreciate this so much.

Like you I do not take things anymore. But I have learned that I refuse to speak to one who does not hear or see me, because the conversation will be a verbal loop arguement with angers rising. I have learned not to waste my breath or my time on people like this. I cannot tell you where I learned this except I had alot of painful and costly experiences.Mabe this is how I learned.

Certain thing disintegrate me too and I feel very small. But I am a strong adult who will eventually do the right thing for me now.

I learned all this stuff after years of repeating the cycles of abuse. It kept on happening to me. I kept on trying to get them to understand me. I did alot of reading about bullies, controlling people, ones who betray, and emotional blackmail. One good book was toxic parents. It helped me out alot.

I am glad that you have worked so hard on yourself and you do not take flak from your family anymore. I am very proud of you. Good work on yourself. I can see that you have worked very hard on yourself.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Shellbell thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I really appreciate it.

I was the oldest too. The little adult.

I am so sorry that happened to you. That must have been so devastating for a little girl to be blamed for not protecting your sister. I do not think you should feel guilt for that. It means you still accept some of their toxic shame and blame.

I think I need to work on this in therapy too. I have one more emdr session left and think I will work on that.

I am really feeling for you what happened to you. My heart goes out to you. That is so crazymaking. I hope for your healing. I hope for everyones healing.

This must be a common thing that happened in families. Both of my parents were single children who had four kids. They were lethal together. Like they both got off hurting us.

I felt responsible and guilty for years for the things I did when I acted out in anger. I even hurt myself alot.

I am beginning to feel better about this. It was a grave injustice our parents did to us. It set us apart from the rest of the family and it isolated us. I always said I was raised to be the perfect victim.

 

[Shellbell]

Gizmo,

I have only recently realised that my whole life I felt I was being attacked. I put a good front on and hid it very well but internally everything was very painful; all relationships rife with potential attack.

This is an important point, as we can feel we are constantly being attacked, having had so much of that from being children onwards.

We are probably not being attacked now, but sense it as attack and it does trigger attack from the past, so we react inappropriately for the most part.

 

[Shellbell]

I felt responsible and guilty for years for the things I did when I acted out in anger. I even hurt myself alot.

I am beginning to feel better about this. It was a grave injustice our parents did to us. It set us apart from the rest of the family and it isolated us. I always said I was raised to be the perfect victim.

I totally relate to this. We were raised to be their perfect victims.

I hurt myself a lot too. I hated myself as a teenager and attepmted suicide. I think the blaming was worse psychologically than the SA I endured.

And like you, I was isloated from the family which is also damaging.

I'm really sorry you went through all that Gizmo, it truly is terrible and I wish for you and everyone a peace from all of this. A peace we do deserve.

But I have noticed a positive common thing we all share having had these terrible experiences. We have huge compassion, love and caring for others as a result. We 'feel' people's pain and always want to support and help people. So, whilst it is all horrendous, they didn't destroy us completely.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I know what you mean about thinking I am being attacked. That is when i do not understand where a person is coming from. I used to take things very personally and fought back only escallating the situation. I have learned to ask what they mean when that happens now.

My husband and I were both scapegoats as children so we were always taking things personally and distorting the situations. We went to marriage counseling and learned how to better communicate. It is very good because now when we have a difference of opinion we both work very hard on understanding the other person and not getting angry. I have learned that staying calm produces better results.

I used to see attacks coming from everywhere, so I feel good that I have grown from those days.

I used to act inappropriately all of the time. I took and anger management class and learned how to reign in my anger. I have been having some success since then.

I have a ton of memories of where I saw attack when there was none. I have worked really hard on myself in this area.

I can tell a real attack from a imagined one now. If I do not know I will ask what they really mean trying to understand.

I just hate it when I go negative on myself when I am triggered into past stuff. I am working on it, but I would like to conquer it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Shellbell I think we crossed posts. Yes they did not win. We came out of it being some decent human beings. We want something better for our families and the people around us. I think we won ourselves in spite of all we have to overcome. So true, they did not break our spirits. They did alot of damage though.

 

[Shellbell]

You have worked really hard Gizmo and come through an immense amount and that shows your strength. It's really difficult to change from being a person who reacts in an angry way, to reacting calmly. I think you have a lot of inner strength to change this pattern.

I'm like you are now, I internalise that anger within myself and think negatively about myself. I would like to conquer this too.

:hug: