Scapegoating In The Family And Its Consequence.

[Shellbell]

Shellbell I think we crossed posts. Yes they did not win. We came out of it being some decent human beings. We want something better for our families and the people around us. I think we won ourselves in spite of all we have to overcome. So true, they did not break our spirits. They did alot of damage though.

Oh I love this Gizmo! Yes, every word is true! I'm going to hold onto this today. This gives me hope :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I used to be really bad about self blame. But one day I realized that i was abusing myself like my parents did. I wanted to stop that. When I am feeling balanced I do pretty good. It is when I am feeling vulnerable that the negative starts up. And the things I call myself. I always try to figure out which parent said that. Or was it things I called myself when I was a child agreeing with them about how bad I was?

I wish I could remember, but the way it was explained to me was that when abuse happens every day we do not remember because that was normal for us. That is why we do not remember what we used to eat. There was just so much abuse, it all ran into each other.

I am committed to not abusing myself anymore. I wonder if I will wrestle with this the rest of my life or if I can overcome it. I hope I can overcome it.

 

[Abstract]

Gizmo,

I think that is an amazing commitment!:)

Another eldest child here. There seems to be a theme.

Some of my stuff is a bit weird and still can't make head or tale of it. What is really strange is that I thought I had (almost) never been angry until I was in my thirties. I never lost my temper ever and in recent years have learned how and do so in a purposeful way in the rare situation where it is appropriate (and briefly). :confused:Therefore being assertive with someone really never escalates for me from my part. I think I was so cut off from myself that I just did not connect to many of my feelings at all. It seems it was inwardly focused and aimed at self destructive behaviour and self bullying and hatred. Eating disorders express a lot of these things for one so I am sure that was part of it too.

One of the most harmful and insidious things for me was how all of my thoughts and emotions were taken ownership of. I felt like I did not even own the right to smile when I wanted and had to constantly evaluate what the consequences would be and what reaction was going to come. I wasn't allowed to like what I liked, feel what I felt, think what I thought or do anything that I wanted to really. And what I did do was always somehow wrong. Really I have always been able to separate my reactions from possible reality as I think I might have just become used to splitting the outside from the inside completely. But the internal self hatred and blame was a big problem for me and I relate very much.

You sound like you too have worked very hard on all these things and entirely changed the way you relate to others when you feel threatened. I think achievements like this are some of the most satisfying of any.

The way I see it now for me is that it feels like trigger. I know this stuff would not be considered traumatic but it sure feels traumatic to me sometimes. But what I was going to say is that someone doing something that makes me feel victimised seems to set in action my internal introjected abuser.

I think one of the most helpful healing things has been just being heard and actually processing some of that old pain. And interacting with others who were not degrading and understood.

Oh and I am not sure why but most of my childhood is a blank too and that is a tad annoying in certain ways.

I have no doubt you will find a way to beat this as I think intent, focus and understanding are half the battle and you have all those.:) .

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Abstract thank you for your response. Scapegoating has a powerful grip on the victim. I too was always wrong, bad, inadequate. I was always getting cut down and the butt of many jokes at my expense, So many bad words labeled and washed over me.

I was the responsible one because I was the oldest.

My husband was also a scapegoat. He was the middle child. His older brother was the golden child and his younger sister had asthma and was spoiled rotten and was a complete lost cause later on in life.

In my family, my brother three years younger than me was the favorite, the golden child. It did not do him any good later on in life. He was a bad alcoholic. My sister eight years younger than me was the bad seed according to my dad. She was rage personified. My brother nine years younger was the invisible child. I do not have anything to do with him. He is pure rage and beats women.

My sister I have phone contact only. She led a very rough life. My brother three yrs younger than me died a few years ago to lung cancer.

My mom was killed in a plane crash when I was nineteen so many years ago. We had just begun to reconcile. It was devastating to me. She was an alcoholic and depressed.

My dad I cut off contact with over twenty years ago. He died this year of some kind of cancer. I did not help out or go to the funeral or anything.

I survived the best in my family. I have had one marriage, I have been married thirty eight years, had three homes, and had the most stability. I do not know if that is from me wanting something better for my family than what I had.

My husband has ptsd untreated. And our fights were horrendous. My anger came out feeling attacked, and his anger came out feeling attacked. Our anger was our defending ourselves from each other. We did not see or hear each other. It was pretty bad. We went to marriage counseling and learned how to communicate with each other.

It is pretty good now. The bad part is that he has parkinsons and lewy body dementia. I am his caregiver and have all of the responsibilities he used to have. I do everything now. It is very sad.

I was set apart and different than the other three kids. In their own ways thay got to be kids. They had alot of guilt over the way I was treated so different than them.

I took my anger out on them many times. I was very jeolous of the atttention they got that I did not. I have come along way.

I just want to be positive with me now.

 

[Philippa]

I'm the eldest and also the scapegoat. If my younger brothers messed up in some way..it was always my fault somehow. If they got hurt from being boys, it was my fault for not watching them all the time. She blames my father for messing me up and then he blames her for the same...neither of them admit to their part to play in collectively messing me up. It's always someone elses fault.

I started standing up to them a few years ago, although my father doesn't listen to me anyway, so it's all in one ear and out the other with him, regardless of how firm I am. Having no contact and really following through with that is the best message I can send him right now. He cannot ignore that.

I've been feeling particularly low today and like bursting into tears, as I am bleeding, so that doesn't help things much, but my mother has been in my mind today and I wish she wasn't. It's so painful to feel the sense of abandonment. She has a great way of manipulating things so it looks like she is wanting to change and be friends, but it is always just what she think you want to hear, so she can position you where she wants you.

Making promises that she never follows through on is her specialty. She seems to think her feelings and her life are all that matters, as any true narcissist does. So wrapped up in her own little life that she doesn't see how much hurt she has caused. In her home, she has so many framed pictures of my brothers and I think I only make one appearance, in the back row. She did the same to my father when she wanted to pretend he wasn't there either.

The silent treatment is her favorite tool for punishing. She has done this to me my whole life, but never once did it to my brothers, so they all don't know what I'm talking about when I try and speak up to her about it, and laugh when I try and say I've been abused. I was also expected to ask her permission to use the toilet at night...up until I was about 15 or so? I didn't even think this was weird until I was 18 and started to really analyze it. She never made my brothers do this...just me.

It hurt me so much when she would ignore me for weeks on end, and I would have to come grovelling back to her in tears, ashamed and guilty for whatever it is I had done (which probably wasn't that much), we'd have both forgotten by then what Id id do to deserve it...she was just so used to ignoring me that she didn't know how to snap back into speaking to me again until I had practically bagged on my knees in tears for her to acknowledge me again.

Even now that I have cut all contact with them, I'm sure they have all managed to turn it around on me so I am the one who is 'just mentally ill' and they are the innocent victims of my insanity.

 

[woundedsoul]

Yes Gizmo, I too was the family scapegoat with both parents being alcoholics. I did self help when at 48/49 I decided to close the door on the past and all of their abuses. I was slow to remove them from my life though.

As I started getting well, however, going to church, bible study, walking, quitting smoking, losing weight, my husband visciously verbally abused me. Months later he told me, "I thought you were leaving me." Well, long story short, I ended up in the mental hospital and got dx'd with PTSD. I am now seeing a trauma specialist and reading everything I can on PTSD borrowed from the library and going to Al-Anon, which helps very much because the focus is caring for yourself and nobody else. I currently speak to no one in my family of origin. That has been helpful to me, but lonely at times, but my health is not worth going back to ancient history and people who still choose to be abusive to me; my father and my sisters. My brothers live out of state, so minimal contact anyway.

Please take care and know you are not alone.

 

[Britt.f7]

so they all don't know what I'm talking about when I try and speak up to her about it, and laugh when I try and say I've been abused

My sister has acted this way at times and I feel so betrayed by her. The thing is, I know, on some level, she knows the truth. Still I am the bad one for even bringing things up.

I'm sure they have all managed to turn it around on me so I am the one who is 'just mentally ill' and they are the innocent victims of my insanity.

I have always been this one. My stepmother told me she kept my letters that I wrote to my dad as a child and in deep pain. How dare I be hurtful to an adult? Never mind that I was hurting. I am the one who has issues, not my dad, my stepmom, or siblings(my mom passed away last year). Does it matter that all but one of those people are alcoholics? The remaining one does smoke due to stress and she is abusive towards her family, but, of course doesn't see that. In her world she is the perfect parent because her kids are turning out well. Too bad I've seen her kids eyes when she has abused them all in the name of "discipline".

I'm tired of being the one who has the "issues".

On a different note, my husband's dad treats him differently then he treats my sister in law. I asked him, once, why he only had pictures of her and her husband around and none of Jeff and our kids. My husband quickly blew it off, even though I knew it bothered him and he thinks his dad likes his brother in law better. His dad never answered because of this. It's different in my family, my brother is the chosen one simply because he has testicles. It's hard being second class just because I'm female.

I will never be the "perfect" child that they wanted from me.

 

[Let It Be]

Another eldest child here.

Does this apply? My mother had to have a C-section because of me. Thus, my fault! I would be a millionaire if I had collected $1.00 from her for every time she told me and others about it and her labor.

My brother was born when I was 3 years old. It was my fault that he was not okay. She told everyone including me over and over how I gave her a childhood disease while she was pregnant with him. Not true but according to her, it was!

Thus, I took on the role of protecting and listening to my brother, just because. After I moved away, my mother would call and tell me all the things that he was up to, very negative, and it was my job to listen to her rant about him. My brother would then call to rant about my mother, and I would, over and over.

My sister, the baby, was the golden child, could do wrong where my mother was concerned. My brother wanted something from my sister, she didn't want to do anything with him, thus he would call me to vent about my sister and her turning her back on him, and I listened and listened. My sister would call to complain about my brother and I would listen to her negative language about him.

Fast forward to my mother's death, and I realized that I had given up me for my very toxic and dysfunctional family and began to reclaim me.

It now has been one year since I have had no contact with my brother or sister. My sister I would imagine is doing quite well with own family. No need to hear about it from her. My brother took a major blow in this family, with almost dying last year. He can no longer live on his own.

It is amazing to me how these roles and beliefs are so firmly planted as they were in my family, without giving me a second thought to what the consequences would be like in my life. Not fair!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Philipia, I am sorry you were abandoned by your mom. I can understand why you cut off contact. I hate denial. I hope for you that you can parent yourself in a comforting way and heal from the deep wounds of the present and the past. I am sorry you have to go through this one with your family.

Wounded soul I really feel for you. I am glad you are taking such good care of yourself. I wish for your ultimate healing. It is lonely being alone without family. I know how you feel.

Britt, I think we do not need to answer to people in our family because we are changing and getting well. When one person gets healthier the rest get sicker and the rigt grows bigger. I am sorry you have to deal with this situation

Let it be, I hate the families way of triangling. Instead of dealing with the person, they pas messages to each other and keep the sickness going. This is gossip. My dad depended on us passing messages.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this situation. I hope for your healing for the past and the present.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks Gizmo. Yeah, I hate triangulation as well. My mother uses that one regularly, and then acts like she can't work out why the boys told me, apologizes and then does it all over again. She makes an art out of backstabbing and then can't figure out why I don't like her.

I make a point of saying what I need to say to her, to her face as a revolt for her behavior...which she hates of course. "Oh you're being so hurtful Philippa" Yeah, well at least I'm saying it to your face ya crazy bitch.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Philipia it sounds like you have grown very healthy and very strong with your family. I hate two faced people. I will never understand them. You are very honest and direct I have noticed. Good for you. How did you get to be so strong?

 

[Philippa]

I think I just decided to become everything that was opposite of my mother and her behavior, and not just her but so many people. I just believe in being self-honest and honest. My mother lying so much to me has made me honest to a fault...I'm annoyingly honest.

I should really thank her. If she wasn't so awful, it wouldn't have made me so determined to be different.