Scared And Ashamed Of Symptoms Lately

[asldjfasldjf]

Recently I've been feeling more dissociated than ever. My vision feels unreal, like a screen before my eyes. I've also been getting some blurred vision and instances where color suddenly becomes very intense. Additionally, I've been incredibly fatigued. Those are the symptoms that scare me.

What I'm feeling shame about is the fact that my partner and I are trying to hire a helper to assist me with doing basic household tasks as well as provide me with transportation to appointments. I have had chronic fatigue (which I believe is a sub-condition of my CPTSD) since I was 11. I'm now 21. It's crazy not to be able to wash the dishes or clean the bathroom on my own, much less do grocery shopping, etc. I wanted to empower myself by hiring an assistant, but now I'm feeling ashamed of my disability.

Just needed to talk about it. Thanks.

 

[Chosen]

I'm incredibly weak too. I hate it. My friends want me to get jobs and stuff, and when I feel as weak as I do, it's hard enough for me to go to school!

I'm sorry you're feeling shame and the way our society views this stuff. But it's not our fault. All we can do is take care of ourselves as best as we can. I'm proud of you for seeking to hire a helper!

 

[KwanYingirl]

In my opinion, you're employing strategies to help you build yourself up. You recognized a need and have a partner that supports your needs. In time perhaps you won't need one. People need people. I hope with the help you can get stronger and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. My saying is: fair is not giving everyone the same thing. Fair is giving each person what THEY need. You are struggling and that means you need extra support right now. Don't best yourself up.

 

[Springer80]

Don't best yourself up.

No DO! Do 'best yourself up!' :D

I suppose it's down to where you are sourcing your assistant from. You are doing the research, you are the one hiring. You will be spending time with this person and allowing this person into your personal space.

So, if you are getting a professional then they will be well aware that you both have to be a good fit. As the employer you have the right to see what other work they have done, ask them about why they do this kind of work. You can invite them for lunch instead of an interview. Do it a few times.

I think if you get a good one, they will be incredibly respectful and empathetic as a person.
Good luck to you and remember you are finding some who is right for you.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Haha clever typo I made!

 

[Springer80]

clever typo I made!

I know, you can best yourself up too! :hug::x3:

 

[risingsun]

I wanted to empower myself by hiring an assistant, but now I'm feeling ashamed of my disability

Never be ashamed of yourself, nor asking for what you need and fighting for what you need. You are empowering yourself, but your mind is attacking you through shame telling you that you are not worthy. You are worthy of help. You are have been through so much physically and emotionally. Take pride in taking this step. Best of luck to you. Rising Sun.

 

[greenleaf]

Recently I've been feeling more dissociated than ever. My vision feels unreal, like a screen before my eyes. I've also been getting some blurred vision and instances where color suddenly becomes very intense.

I also get changes in the intensity of colors, and odd focus changes -- like I'm varying how much "I" am seeing through my left eye, in particular. It's not that it ever goes dark or anything, but my awareness of vision through my left eye seems more when I am more "present". Also the colors seem stronger when I'm more present and less hypervigilant, if that's what I'm doing. When I have felt threatened by something, my vision is definitely flatter and colors less intense. The brighter colors are actually a less "normal" state for me, I'd been used to the flatter vision.

Have you tried to link your vision changes to other aspects of how you're feeling, thoughts you might have just had, etc.? Do you think you might be noticing your dissociation more some too, than you used to? It's really helpful to work on this with a therapist who understands it.

I have been wondering if our threat-response brain parts actually experience vision differently than our relaxed, "normal" brains... whatever those are...

One of the ways to "ground" yourself is to count things around you that are a certain color. I find blue to work best, oddly enough. But, colors are definitely an issue in this dissociation stuff! Maybe some neuroscientists will eventually figure out why.

I believe that a lot of folks who dissociate have related odd vision symptoms, I have seen more posts here on this topic esp. in the "dissociation and flashbacks" section.

 

[darrenS]

All i can tell you sheero22....is hang in there - dont let your limitations become your enemy

 

[shimmerz]

I spent years talking about what I should be able to do. It was a complete waste of time. If I could do it all over again, I have to say that this was the one HUGE energy sucker that took away from my ability to get to healing. Seriously, we all go through this in some way or another. Don't waste your time - trust that you are doing the best that you can. And congratulations for seeing your limitations. I swear I kept trying and trying and trying and it was as if I was a masochist. Never giving myself a break. Now that i have accepted it I am actually making headway.

Take great care - and be kind.