You do get that this is irrational thinking don't you?
This is the illness, caused by your past abuse, talking.
I get it. I suffer that way too. I hide in my house because I don't want to be seen in my town, or even outside of it. I don't go for walks anymore, unless they are in the next town over, because of what sexual abuse and a controlling person did to me.
I get how abuse over many years makes us irrational.
I don't think the weight losing will fix things. I tried that. I did that until I was 33, between having babies. It made me sicker and it slowed my.recovery. It also messed up my metabolism in the long term. Semi-starvation causes all sorts of problems.
I do get that being sexual abused and controlled does that though. I really do. I really think you need to see someone who specialises in childhood sexual trauma. That is at the root of your pain and anxiety and obsessive-compulsive issues. I know because I've experienced it too and I've just started to see a early childhood sexual abuse councellor who also specialises in disordered eating (or lack of eating).
Cutting calories will stress out your body and mind more. You will probably become obsessed with food. Even.healthy non-eating- disordered people become obsessed with food when they embark on a semi-starvation diet. Tests have been done. Hunger urges often become uncontrollable. Emotional mood swings become worse. It's a recipe for A LOT more problems in the future to semi-starve and try to be underweight.
I'm now overweight because of my self-serving obsession with being always thinner and semi-starved for years between childbirth.
Bodies have a way of winning no matter how hard we try to control them. My body doesn't trust me and goes into cortisol uncontrollable hunger and extreme tiredness to store fat now, as I starved it for too many years. So you might get to the body weight you want to be but later on, if you semi-starve, you will pay the price and with your poor bodies survival reactions to bring deprived of adequate food. I got severe malnutritionment. I even got psychosis because of severe b12 deficiency, so be careful. Weight loss will not fix your trauma and abuse damage. It will add to your problems, believe me. I've lived it. I'm nearly 45 now and I'm really not well because of focusing on weight and deprivation for years instead of addressing my trauma and abuse damage. And I'm now about 20kg overweight. The bodies revenge and survival counter-reaction from too much food deprivation for so long.
Pleas be careful, get some good support and supervision around safe weight management and get some good therapy to address your PTSD issues around the abuse and control you experienced. I'm worried about you. I don't want you to suffer like I have so long. You've been through so much already. Take care. You deserve good care and good support, not all this terrible anxiety and more suffering without treatment.