Toxickitten
New Here
Hello there,
I have been working my way around the forum and find all the articles really helpful.
I think I started to develop CPTSD about 16 years ago, although it hasn't been 100% diagnosed by a therapist yet. I started having some TA that finished abruptly about 18 months ago due to a radical change in my life's circumstances, and although I did find it useful and it did start to help me control some negative behaviours, I was doing it in order to please others as much as because I recognised a problem. I now see that I have been so conditioned to deny my trauma while trying to be analytically aware of it that I haven't properly or safely processed things.
The reason why I am so reluctant to open up about the situation is because I simultaneously feel victimised, angry and violated, but understand to a degree why what happened happened, because it was abuse by a system that is supposed to protect the weak.
This is typical by the way - I am trying to explain and getting tied up in justification when I *should* just accept my right to be angry. I am also mindful that some of the people here will be on the opposite side of this particular fence and I don't want to upset anyone else.
Basically I am in the UK and when my son was born 16 years ago after I developed pre-eclampsia and he was induced at 35 weeks, he was then discovered to have multiple metaphyseal fractures (in the growth plates of the long bones). They are for the most part asymptomatic.He had to be accomodated in foster care for 18 months while I and his father fought the State to try and prevent him from being adopted, and he did eventually come home. We categorically denied then and still do that my son was violently or intentionally injured.
We were told that we had to provide an explanation for his injuries, and we did have medical evidence which may have assisted us if it had been properly evaluated at the time, but because all testing had to be approved by the courts much was either denied on the grounds it was further abuse, or took so long to arrange it became irrelevant - my son's diet and environment had changed significantly and he was being dosed with vitamins.
I was singled out as the most likely perpetrator because I was at home with him the most when the "injuries" took place, and the emphasis was placed on making me accept that I had injured him deliberately - there was no way it could be unintentional they said, despite lack of bruising, many people seeing him over the period in question including doctors and his "injuries" not being consistent with shaken baby syndrome ie no rib fractures or brain damage. In brief this made it worse and I was suspected of MSBP because I became obsessed with researching how these fractures might have happened and because I *liked drama* (My career was in theatrical set design)
I was repeatedly criticised for disagreeing with experts when I had no right to - I was a child abuser. I was regarded as unable to put my childs needs first because I found it difficult to switch off from the adversarial nature of the proceedings and inappropriately questioned Social Workers about the case when I should have focussed more on David during our brief contact visits. The trouble was it was very difficult to arrange meetings with them at other times, and fortunately he was too young for it to really impact in the beginning.
Psychiatric assessments were done a few months into the legal process which returned a possible BPD diagnosis on myself - the whole assessment was couched in terms of the assumption that abuse had taken place as fact, basically it seemed all the "experts" had ganged up on us.
My sons father was working full time so it fell to me to keep up all the contacts and the logistics of everything, my total immersion in trying to get our son back finally alienated him permanently and we split up 18 months after our son came home and came off the At Risk register.
All my perceptions of the world were totally shattered and I felt unable to ask for any official support as I was warned by experts in the workings of the system that the reason they were so desperate to get me onto Anti Ds was to bolster the case against me in court and help underline the perception of me being unbalanced.
I was extremely scared of permanently losing my son and also that he had a medical condition that was being ignored and over-looked - which of course seemed paranoid because one is not allowed to believe that the people who safeguard our children would behave like that.
My anxiety reached such a height that at one point I feared I might burst into flames (Still can't write the other words)and when I reported that to the QC who was going to represent me at the Final Hearing he simply pointed to the fire extinguished by the door and said I'd be fine, which was absolutely the right way to deal with it.
I'm sorry, i could go on and on and on, and may yet but I realise I am bursting into a crowded room and shouting long and loud and I may get hysterical.
I am here now because I was involved in a physical trauma due to alcohol, which i thought I had managed to control at the weekend which ended up with me being inappropriately physically restrained and it has tipped me right over an edge.
I feel completely broken after 16 years of evolving negative coping strategies, physically my "fibromyalgia* is at screaming pitch, I am weak as a kitten and feel two headed. My critical parent is in over-drive and I am swinging between numb and electrifed and tearful.
Fortunately I am seeing my therapist again next Wednesday, and my family is very supportive, however I am desperate not to be the weak person inflicting their misery onto people who don't deserve it.
I have started to take some control by starting a blog and re-visiting the trauma in detail, and have decided to confront the false allegation head on with those responsible, after getting some guidance and more information to support my case.
I don't want compensation, I do want peace of mind and if possible to help others though I recognise that will be a long time in the future.
I think part of my trigger is the subconscious realisation that now my son is 16 he cannot be taken so I am free to argue. Also he has a right to be properly assessed for things like his hypermobility.....
My favorite theory revolves around collagen and nutritional deficiencies but because I am flagged as too interested in medical matters I have not been allowed to pursue things on his behalf.
I was told not to have any more children.
I had to terminate a pregnancy when my son was 3.
I don't feel I should be allowed to mourn because I was in the wrong place and the wrong time and it was just the way the system works - it wasn't personal, and I think my biggest outrage is that in circumstances like these it should be far more personal.
Sorry. Exhausted now.
I will understand if you feel this is an inappropriate forum for me to use.
I have been working my way around the forum and find all the articles really helpful.
I think I started to develop CPTSD about 16 years ago, although it hasn't been 100% diagnosed by a therapist yet. I started having some TA that finished abruptly about 18 months ago due to a radical change in my life's circumstances, and although I did find it useful and it did start to help me control some negative behaviours, I was doing it in order to please others as much as because I recognised a problem. I now see that I have been so conditioned to deny my trauma while trying to be analytically aware of it that I haven't properly or safely processed things.
The reason why I am so reluctant to open up about the situation is because I simultaneously feel victimised, angry and violated, but understand to a degree why what happened happened, because it was abuse by a system that is supposed to protect the weak.
This is typical by the way - I am trying to explain and getting tied up in justification when I *should* just accept my right to be angry. I am also mindful that some of the people here will be on the opposite side of this particular fence and I don't want to upset anyone else.
Basically I am in the UK and when my son was born 16 years ago after I developed pre-eclampsia and he was induced at 35 weeks, he was then discovered to have multiple metaphyseal fractures (in the growth plates of the long bones). They are for the most part asymptomatic.He had to be accomodated in foster care for 18 months while I and his father fought the State to try and prevent him from being adopted, and he did eventually come home. We categorically denied then and still do that my son was violently or intentionally injured.
We were told that we had to provide an explanation for his injuries, and we did have medical evidence which may have assisted us if it had been properly evaluated at the time, but because all testing had to be approved by the courts much was either denied on the grounds it was further abuse, or took so long to arrange it became irrelevant - my son's diet and environment had changed significantly and he was being dosed with vitamins.
I was singled out as the most likely perpetrator because I was at home with him the most when the "injuries" took place, and the emphasis was placed on making me accept that I had injured him deliberately - there was no way it could be unintentional they said, despite lack of bruising, many people seeing him over the period in question including doctors and his "injuries" not being consistent with shaken baby syndrome ie no rib fractures or brain damage. In brief this made it worse and I was suspected of MSBP because I became obsessed with researching how these fractures might have happened and because I *liked drama* (My career was in theatrical set design)
I was repeatedly criticised for disagreeing with experts when I had no right to - I was a child abuser. I was regarded as unable to put my childs needs first because I found it difficult to switch off from the adversarial nature of the proceedings and inappropriately questioned Social Workers about the case when I should have focussed more on David during our brief contact visits. The trouble was it was very difficult to arrange meetings with them at other times, and fortunately he was too young for it to really impact in the beginning.
Psychiatric assessments were done a few months into the legal process which returned a possible BPD diagnosis on myself - the whole assessment was couched in terms of the assumption that abuse had taken place as fact, basically it seemed all the "experts" had ganged up on us.
My sons father was working full time so it fell to me to keep up all the contacts and the logistics of everything, my total immersion in trying to get our son back finally alienated him permanently and we split up 18 months after our son came home and came off the At Risk register.
All my perceptions of the world were totally shattered and I felt unable to ask for any official support as I was warned by experts in the workings of the system that the reason they were so desperate to get me onto Anti Ds was to bolster the case against me in court and help underline the perception of me being unbalanced.
I was extremely scared of permanently losing my son and also that he had a medical condition that was being ignored and over-looked - which of course seemed paranoid because one is not allowed to believe that the people who safeguard our children would behave like that.
My anxiety reached such a height that at one point I feared I might burst into flames (Still can't write the other words)and when I reported that to the QC who was going to represent me at the Final Hearing he simply pointed to the fire extinguished by the door and said I'd be fine, which was absolutely the right way to deal with it.
I'm sorry, i could go on and on and on, and may yet but I realise I am bursting into a crowded room and shouting long and loud and I may get hysterical.
I am here now because I was involved in a physical trauma due to alcohol, which i thought I had managed to control at the weekend which ended up with me being inappropriately physically restrained and it has tipped me right over an edge.
I feel completely broken after 16 years of evolving negative coping strategies, physically my "fibromyalgia* is at screaming pitch, I am weak as a kitten and feel two headed. My critical parent is in over-drive and I am swinging between numb and electrifed and tearful.
Fortunately I am seeing my therapist again next Wednesday, and my family is very supportive, however I am desperate not to be the weak person inflicting their misery onto people who don't deserve it.
I have started to take some control by starting a blog and re-visiting the trauma in detail, and have decided to confront the false allegation head on with those responsible, after getting some guidance and more information to support my case.
I don't want compensation, I do want peace of mind and if possible to help others though I recognise that will be a long time in the future.
I think part of my trigger is the subconscious realisation that now my son is 16 he cannot be taken so I am free to argue. Also he has a right to be properly assessed for things like his hypermobility.....
My favorite theory revolves around collagen and nutritional deficiencies but because I am flagged as too interested in medical matters I have not been allowed to pursue things on his behalf.
I was told not to have any more children.
I had to terminate a pregnancy when my son was 3.
I don't feel I should be allowed to mourn because I was in the wrong place and the wrong time and it was just the way the system works - it wasn't personal, and I think my biggest outrage is that in circumstances like these it should be far more personal.
Sorry. Exhausted now.
I will understand if you feel this is an inappropriate forum for me to use.
