Im running scared.
Ive spent so much of my life being deeply traumatized living on the edge of society struggling to survive. I couldnt manage to get education neither apply for and stand in worklife.
Now Im getting old and time is running out.
Some few years ago I managed to get my self educaton as certified trainer and some workexperience within that field. All though I was bullied severly working in training company on two occasions by associates and leaders which doesnt help my cv nor reputation and futher possibilities.
At the moment Im on social welfare living on a minimum of money. Lacking a subject from secondary school makes it hard to get into university and get futher education. All though I applied this year like last year on special terms. I cant afford to take the last subject of secondary cause the priceto take examen is two weeks subsistence for me.
I feel like if I only had a decent job and a decent income I would be ready to grow. Get my life togheter.
But this whole thing is casting dark shadows and loads of worry and stress in my life. I had a job recently in a grocery shop, but I couldnt hold onto it cause I was underpaid as well as treated to poorly. I cant take that even do it makes me feel like a looser to not be able to.
So the past two week Ive been working on having the courage to move on. To not think about that Im so scared its to late for me. Finding jobs that I have relevant experience to apply for. Working on improving how my cv looks like. And thats what got me down since I dont have so much experience to show in competition to other that applies for work. Its fierce competition nowadays and not so easy to get job as before. And my age and with my cv?
I want to belive so much that I can do this. But I am so darn scared this is how I will end my life. In deep poverty. Lowest rang in society. Im so scared I will not find the way back to work life and get a good job where Im treated and paid farly decent.
It gives me severe anxiety attacks. I feel like an outcast. Ive been trying to search for help anywhere and everywhere. Job counsler support team therapist and such. Sometimes I wonder I "mother" was right. I wasnt supposed to exist. I was a mistake to be born and to be alive. It feels like Im the outcast no one likes in the end and that no one can help. A real f..k up. Trying to comfort my self with that I do have skills and knowledge. I do have something to bring into this world. But with out knowing how to it feels as If Im loosing the battle. Ive given myself this year to work this out Ive I cant take another year as a failure to myself. nd thats what keeps me moving. But also what scares the shit out of me.
What if next year comes and Im in the same mess as of today? Wondering how am I to pay my houserent and electricity bills and also have food to eat? I can hardly bear the thought.
Im trying to see possibilities. Maybe I can try to make a business as trainer again as trainers are sought after in Noway. Its hard and especially as down as I am to make a bussines. It requires a lot of strenght and energi. If I had a more steady income to be more on the plus side....But I dont....
Is it to late for me? Is this it? Next station apply for disability money and live the rest of my maybe 20 - 30 years as no one?
Its almost as I dont dare to dream and imagine anything possible. Future vision becomes blurry out of fear.
I thought maybe I want to work with youngsters. Combine my skills as trainers with aiding youth to not fall in the same trap as I did cause of bad circumstances. I have no idea how to get there.
I talked with work counsler about it. But seems she dont belive in me. Seems as she got me the job in the underpaid grocery store that this is what she thinks Im capable of. And If I ask for support from therapist shell say I cant promise youll get job. As I dont know that. Of course she cant. But in my ears its translated to maybe you will not make it and then youll have to do the best out of being a failure. What I could need is the energy from some one that would lie atleast and say yes you can. But it seems no one thinks I really can. I am a f...k up and aint going now where exept down hills.
Is it my discourage dark thoughts speaking? Is it really to late? Is there no possibility to dig one self up when youve first managed to get your self in such a ditch?
Ive spent so much of my life being deeply traumatized living on the edge of society struggling to survive. I couldnt manage to get education neither apply for and stand in worklife.
Now Im getting old and time is running out.
Some few years ago I managed to get my self educaton as certified trainer and some workexperience within that field. All though I was bullied severly working in training company on two occasions by associates and leaders which doesnt help my cv nor reputation and futher possibilities.
At the moment Im on social welfare living on a minimum of money. Lacking a subject from secondary school makes it hard to get into university and get futher education. All though I applied this year like last year on special terms. I cant afford to take the last subject of secondary cause the priceto take examen is two weeks subsistence for me.
I feel like if I only had a decent job and a decent income I would be ready to grow. Get my life togheter.
But this whole thing is casting dark shadows and loads of worry and stress in my life. I had a job recently in a grocery shop, but I couldnt hold onto it cause I was underpaid as well as treated to poorly. I cant take that even do it makes me feel like a looser to not be able to.
So the past two week Ive been working on having the courage to move on. To not think about that Im so scared its to late for me. Finding jobs that I have relevant experience to apply for. Working on improving how my cv looks like. And thats what got me down since I dont have so much experience to show in competition to other that applies for work. Its fierce competition nowadays and not so easy to get job as before. And my age and with my cv?
I want to belive so much that I can do this. But I am so darn scared this is how I will end my life. In deep poverty. Lowest rang in society. Im so scared I will not find the way back to work life and get a good job where Im treated and paid farly decent.
It gives me severe anxiety attacks. I feel like an outcast. Ive been trying to search for help anywhere and everywhere. Job counsler support team therapist and such. Sometimes I wonder I "mother" was right. I wasnt supposed to exist. I was a mistake to be born and to be alive. It feels like Im the outcast no one likes in the end and that no one can help. A real f..k up. Trying to comfort my self with that I do have skills and knowledge. I do have something to bring into this world. But with out knowing how to it feels as If Im loosing the battle. Ive given myself this year to work this out Ive I cant take another year as a failure to myself. nd thats what keeps me moving. But also what scares the shit out of me.
What if next year comes and Im in the same mess as of today? Wondering how am I to pay my houserent and electricity bills and also have food to eat? I can hardly bear the thought.
Im trying to see possibilities. Maybe I can try to make a business as trainer again as trainers are sought after in Noway. Its hard and especially as down as I am to make a bussines. It requires a lot of strenght and energi. If I had a more steady income to be more on the plus side....But I dont....
Is it to late for me? Is this it? Next station apply for disability money and live the rest of my maybe 20 - 30 years as no one?
Its almost as I dont dare to dream and imagine anything possible. Future vision becomes blurry out of fear.
I thought maybe I want to work with youngsters. Combine my skills as trainers with aiding youth to not fall in the same trap as I did cause of bad circumstances. I have no idea how to get there.
I talked with work counsler about it. But seems she dont belive in me. Seems as she got me the job in the underpaid grocery store that this is what she thinks Im capable of. And If I ask for support from therapist shell say I cant promise youll get job. As I dont know that. Of course she cant. But in my ears its translated to maybe you will not make it and then youll have to do the best out of being a failure. What I could need is the energy from some one that would lie atleast and say yes you can. But it seems no one thinks I really can. I am a f...k up and aint going now where exept down hills.
Is it my discourage dark thoughts speaking? Is it really to late? Is there no possibility to dig one self up when youve first managed to get your self in such a ditch?
