School, job, too much

[Strangelongtrip]

My new semester starts soon as does an internship. I’ve been anxious as anything 10/10 anxiety going to die for the past week. I don’t know why I thought when I was healthy I was healthy enough to intern, do school full time, and function as a human being. I have multiple chronic illnesses. I’m a effing idiot.

And now the family that promised to pay for my college is saying I need to pay for it with all of my savings. That’s my safety net. That’s my if anyone gets violent I can get out money. That’s my money for my service dog prospect for the future. That’s my money for moving the f*ck out of this toxic hell hole. I would rather not go to college than pay for it. It’s not even worth much to me. I could take out a loan I guess I have great credit but I already have so many loans. Family promises to help me with my student loans. Probably won’t. I don’t know why I’m doing this. Last time I paid for college I didn’t even make it through the semester. I want to die.

I don’t even know if I want to work in an office all day or will even be able to if my illnesses keep progressing. I want to train dogs. But I’m compromising everything. I guess it’s good to have bc I need insurance to pay for my health but all of this just makes me want to hurt myself or kill my self. Like I don’t want to be alive like this anxious in this world I have for years I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m sobbing in a closet at 10am and the days only going to get worse.

I don’t know if there’s any advice for me. I don’t know how I can get better but completely feel awful again. I don’t want to do this anymore.

 

[blackemerald1]

Oh dear me @Strangelongtrip - slow everything down... all of it.

I cannot give you advice on what you should do with college, finances etc., but I can tell you absolutely none of it is worth dying over and all of it can be resolved.

Break it down into manageable chunks and seek out some irl support with career adviser's. prospective employer's and counsellor's. Do the research so your decisions are based on the best information you have - not emotion.

If you want to train dogs and that is where you passion lays... I'd be looking really seriously at that btw. :) But if it's not practical right now that doesn't mean you cannot work towards it.

I hope you come out of the closet, get dressed and make a list of what needs to be done and who and how you can do it.

Also, panic and anxiety when faced with big decisions, commitments and changes - par for the course with ptsd. But you can still do this and manage very well indeed.

:hug:

 

[Strangelongtrip]

If you want to train dogs and that is where you passion lays... I'd be looking really seriously at that btw. :) But if it's not practical right now that doesn't mean you cannot work towards it.

My plan right now is to get my degree (it's an employable field and growing every day) make enough money to have security, then venture out and have my own facility and everything. Oh! And while I'm working train my own dogs, get that experience and "proof" that I can train. I have a total plan about what types of dogs I'm going to get and what their jobs will be haha!! I could talk about it all day, I absolutely love it.

Thank you @blackemerald1 I did get out of the closet and just got dressed! I talked more with my parents and we have a game plan now that won't require my whole savings. I was definitely in crisis mode. I feel the least anxious now than I have in a week, especially after realizing my friend's things were triggering me. I talked to my granddad about that too and he was so supportive.

I read back on this and think wow I'm a brat to be honest. Like it was another person talking! Because now I'm appreciative and understanding. Weird!

 

[blackemerald1]

I read back on this and think wow I'm a brat to be honest. Like it was another person talking! Because now I'm appreciative and understanding. Weird!

Oh but you are not a brat!! Lol... You are completely normal in the way of how ptsd works... and even how normal ppl work... but definitely not a brat!!

I'm so glad you have talked to your family etc., and found some answers... that's just such a mature and sensible way of dealing with it. Good on you...

I'm pleased you have a plan for a dog training facility. Great plan and I'd love to hear more! I'm waiting for a SD myself...but it's going to take another 11 months unfortunately. I'm pleased you are planning a way forward towards that goal... way to go!

Btw we all get overwhelmed with too many spinning plates in the air at the same time... so please don't ever think you are alone.. We are always here - :hug: :)

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @blackemerald1 ! Good luck with your SD journey!!

 

[EveHarrington]

If you’re so symptomatic that you need a service dog to function, I’d say you’re probably taking on too much by going to school full time and doing an internship.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@EveHarrington she’s mainly in home. I tend to do better if I’m busier to be honest, at least mental health wise. It’s only two days a week interning. This week I took off and all my symptoms came to a head. That’s probably a sign I need to work on more but I don’t know how to stop being a human “doing”.

 

[EveHarrington]

If the dog is mainly used “in home”, then I think you’re talking about an emotional support animal, not a service animal. This is how my therapist explained it to me.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@EveHarrington shes trained tasks (not just for PTSD )so she’s a service dog! She alerts tachycardia, gets help and a few other things. She’s just still training.

 

[blackemerald1]

If you’re so symptomatic that you need a service dog to function,

^^No...respectfully disagree there Eve...

SD's may expand a person's ability to function and go to places and into many areas of life that previously would not have been possible. That includes school and internships placements. :)

They are emotional support too... certainly, but there are some functions they are trained to perform that give independence, functionality and confidence to a person to do everything a 'normal' person would take for granted or just do with little consideration.

I don't believe one can learn how much is too much.. until you give it a go..

Don't limit yourself with anything @Strangelongtrip - you need to continue to push through easy limits and old comfort levels till you find your true limits. Maybe never set limits on what you can achieve.. :)

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@blackemerald1 thats how I feel, I just can’t put it into words. She makes it easier but she’s one tool in my tool kit.

Honestly considering telling them I can’t do the internship. I haven’t gotten better tonight I’m crashing and being around people is making me more symptomatic. It could be good if they’re busy and I can just do stuff all day and not worry about my symptoms. Idk. I just want to give up I’m almost as bad as I was when I had to leave school last time but I’m better at coping I guess. I don’t know what to do but honestly I couldn’t even care less about what happens to me.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey..well we care a lot about what happens to you and I am sure there a many ppl in your real life that care too. So hang on in there. :hug:

I think you may be anxious bc it's all about to start and you are having misgivings about it. That's ok.. you are embarking on big things.. feeling unsure etc., that's normal!! :)

Think of it this way... if you don't do this... you will achieve nothing for yourself. If you have a red hot go... you can establish a fall back position and look at alternatives.. but you will still have gained something.