Scratching Around, Going Nuts

[VioletButterfly]

I just don't know what to do with myself. I read the post below mine and thought - I could've written that. From what I see a lot of us feel the same - really mixed emotions and dysregulation of those emotions. I am overwhelmed and exhausted by depression and anxiety. I don't see why anyone would want to go on this way. I don't, but thankfully, for today, I am stubborn to a point.

I'm heading back down again and here seeking peer support. I have an appointment on Thursday, but don't see the point in that. Really, I don't see a point. I was just out looking at treatment centers again, but how does a self-sustaining individual do that without going bankrupt? I have the insurance coverage, just not the salary or disability coverage. I will lose my job if I do this. Plus, I have this fear that it would be too intense for me and I'd really breakdown there and never be able to leave.

I'm thinking in circles and running to extremes, but those extremes are getting smaller as the spiral deepens. Don't know what else to say. I certainly don't know what to do. There is just a part of me that keeps telling me I have to hold together. Maybe it's the part of God inside of me. Well, God, why the heck has this befallen me and why am I in the state I'm in? What is Your purpose in all of this? But why try anymore? What difference would it make; only He knows? Well, maybe to my mom as I'm her POA, but she's most of the reason I'm in this condition in the first place, so really, maybe a little justice to leave her to my sister's devices? Oh, that sounded ugly - I'm sorry. Lashing out isn't going to help. I just wish everything else would quite lashing inward.

I know this probably doesn't make any sense. Just one of those moments where I can't keep it all inside anymore. This seems to be more often than not these days. I'm afraid it's permanent. VB

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

You have a fighter in you! You may not see it, or feel it at this moment but it's clear that you have a purpose and a reason. You never know who needs to hear exactly what you have to say. How your words are the EXACT words they need to hear. You have purpose. You are important.

And your daughter need YOU.

It may not feel like it, but the strength you have just to reach out is admirable. Hold onto that. That is what will pull you through!

I am a believer, and trust me there were days and times I was curing God. I didn't understand. I still don't understand, but then I just one day released that anger and prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed.

I think it shifted my consciousness because it was during one of my darkest time, when I just said "I give up God" I don't know what to do but I'm just going trust you have a reason for this.

It wasn't immediate, but I think by prayer (thinking less about it, releasing the need for understanding, and just allowing myself to be) is when I started to feel something. It was the first time I smiled in 3 years. I can't explain it, but all I know is things are not perfect, I still have my challanges, but every single day, I notice I am improvin just a little more.

I don't know the words that will comfort you at this time, but know my heart goes out to you. Trust that you are going to make it through. There is always hope!

Google: Post-Traumatic recovery.

Some of the greatest people, that share the greatest wisdom have come through the deepest of pain and hurt. That's proof enough to me. We have a purpose.

Baby steps. Just think of the moment. Live in the now. Breathe, don't think tommorow or yesterday pour all your focus in this very moment of what you can do now.

God bless. (Hugs)

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I find crafts, arts, coloring, affraimations, music, beautiful, cute baby animals pics, cute movie, and things help when it's really bad.

It's my coping box when I need to distract my thoughts.

I even journal, force myself to make a wish list, graitude journal, find all the beautiful things that I love.

It's shifts my mind to positives.

 

[Friday]

Why I don't see the point... I ask myself: "Is there a reason not to?"

I don't see the point in getting out of bed. Is there a reason not to get out of bed? Nope. Well then. I may not see the point, but I'll get out of bed.

- You don't see the point in going to your therapy appointment. Is there a reason not to? (I don't think so?)

- You don't see the point in going to inpatient treatment. Is there a reason not to? (job loss & income loss). Okay! So those 2 things would need to be sorted.

Et cetera.

Failing to see the point in things beyond a vague "I know I'm supposed to maybe do this? Why? What for? Fukkit. Not gonna, then." Is a phase I fall in and out of. Eventually I either figure out the damn point behind _______ (eating, sleeping, getting up, getting dressed, having an address, doing the next indicated thing, etc.), or I stop doing it. From experience... Not doing something I vaguely know I might should? Will usually give me the "Oh. Right. That's why we do this." Lesson... The hard way. Eventually. Sometimes months, or even years later, I kind of wake up. A trick to avoid learning shit the hard way, is when I can't see the point? Ask if there's a reason not to do it, anyway. There usually isn't. When there is? Then I have tasks/problems to sort/things to figure out.

 

[VioletButterfly]

FridayJones - thank you for your pragmatic suggestion and response. I can't quite wrap my mind around it right now. It feels a little like thinking the opposite of what you're thinking. Kind of a CBT technique. For me, there's not always a reason to do or not do something that is so clear cut. It's more of a I need to do this or that, or I'm fighting fear/futility, and looking for a work-around if I feel that I can't do something but should. Kind of a sliding scale approach to just do something or anything this week. i.e. I have to have money, so I need to figure out a way to at least maintain a marginal ability to work because I don't know what else to do, but to check into a facility and then go on SSI. Weighing that out, I will stay outside of that particular system as I believe once you're in, you're branded in this society. So much pressure on me to be a human-doing that I don't have time to be a human-being. I think therein lies the rub. I wonder when this all turned upside down on me. It's like it snuck up on me after the last set of traumas and "bam" that's all she wrote; been in a basket ever since.

Myanxietyhasanxiety - thank you for your kind words, support, and reminders about my faith. Yes, I think I am a bit angry at God right now, and a whole lot angry about my life and where I'm finding myself at my age. It's been building for years and I've turned away from God before, but in shame and not in anger. I've been on my knees, face down on the floor, begging for answers and forgiveness, praying for those who have harmed me, etc... I just need an ending to this day-to-day battle.

I am the daughter, by the way. I am taking care of my mother who started the abuse ball rolling with her narcissistic/alcoholic ways and now who has Alzheimer's. I don't have any children. I was afraid I might continue the cycle of abuse and was in the middle of a very long and abusive relationship when that could have happened anyway. So I am, for the most part, alone.

Thank you for sharing your distractor tasks. I, too, enjoy getting crafty, but am rather locked down right now. I do try to journal and have done the gratitude lists. I keep coming back to where I am now though and it appears to be a dark void.

I know healing PTSD takes time and a lot of hard work, I'm just exhausted and haven't seen any progress. It's a slippery slope and I keep slipping downward farther and farther. Things seems to have gotten worse since starting therapy, not better. Maybe I need a different therapist. So, I'm back to where I was when I started 2015; shopping for a T when I'm feeling most vulnerable. At any rate, thank both of you for responding and offering your support. VB