If my husand ever makes me do that again I WILL no doubt kill him!... I knew I would die in Dallas but pepped talked myself through and when I was not in hypervenalatin white knuckled I was praying and kissing the cross on my neck. BTW Dallas is still oozzzing adreniline now.
Starting point sucked because it took longer to leave so major storms I drove on with fog banks every where and me thinking is this even possible to rain and have fog??? I swore I was going to die, but here I am.
To the end of Oklahoma the panic symptoms just were out of my hands at that point. Tingles, tight troat, cannot breathe, dizzy... y'all know the drill. I start getting black spots in my vision and reflecters on the side of the roads were playing tricks on my eyes. No good. The black things in my car, yep tired and hallucinating.
Hubs finally met up with me at the state ling to have me follow him in. I swear a nightmare. And then hubs asks what weather am I hitting up north? None, what the hell am I going to???? I lucked out and did not drive into the bad shit.
But I am here and it was a 12 hour drive, BLECH. But I did it! I will hurt someone before doing it again.
Met the new T and she is dropping her fee from $110 to $70 for me and is going to show my husband how to try and get my assistance through SS, she said it my not be more than $200 a month if I get it but it will help. She said she used to do Social services and this side of her was coming out LOL.
Only part that made me nervous... My doc was very sneaky over time moving his chair closer to me during therapy (but I noticed), half way though the meeting she slid right up. Ohhh not in my personal space lady not good. But was too damn tired to argue and hubs had me take xana before I saw her as I was in throat ripping mode. I had only been a sleep a few hours. Then she asked about hypnotheray, I said no, not gonna, that things seem to come when they want and the brain tucked them away for reason, it lets me know when to allow in more and does when ready. Don't want an emotional overload.
She did mention though that I could likely have the test done (a chance) if I am on assistance to let me see the PTSD. On one hand exciting to think I could see it confirmed on the other gut wrentching.
Then she asked if I have spots I cannot remember, so hubs says yes, and I said well yeah but I keep a journal to keep up. She started hinting at the multipule personality thing saying it isn't all bad it you brains way of protecting... Yeah BUT I don't have it, just plain ol' PTSD thanks. Hubs did jump in for a change on that on to my side. So hope she does not try to pin that on me over the bad memory if she does I will move on. I did dump out most of the trauma before she gets paper work, because hell she needs to have a clue, but lets not try to redo what my docs already have!
I came to my PACKED GRRR house so I still have a lot of work ahead.
Hubs said they have a Hockey game tomorrow... He courted me through hockey dates LOL. I said noway no more getting out and thought about what Anthony said "do something good for me afterthe move"... So I asked hubs they serve beer at these games too? He said he figured, I said I will go and he has to buy me over priced beer. Nothing but a little buzz and a blood thirsty game to cheer me up :) I can't imagine getting worse. I just have to dig out my Houston Aeros Jersey... Still a Houston fan. Not sure if I can follow through but am going to try, can't be any flipping worse than a 12 hour drive, right?
The xanax has sadly gone up, other shrink I hate was right. Did I just say that? I will settle and so will it and I already have a doc who is supposed to be good with PTSD to manage my meds. and hope to get settled down enough to get off before a higher addiction gets a chance to grab hold.
Oh and she said are you sure you are not bi polar? I said lady I would kill for those "highs" they talk about, so no already been down that path with other docs. But apparently she it thinking my reactions to my SSRIs were typical of bi polar... Hey y'all with it is this true??? But again no I don't have it.
But good side that shocked me. Her sessiona are a little longer but she said she makes sure everyone leaves in "a good place" not upset so if a session runs long it runs long. She won't send me out the door frazzled. Hope she is the one.
And I need to get a coat, it is ass biting cold here.
But I am here safe... not sure sound LOL. I have not seen my kids yet but not a bad thing really I am still too wiped out to do mommy mommy mommy!!!
Got rest this after noon and will sit here for a few and see if my body is ready to go sleep more or get up and unpack. I woke up over being so sick to my stomache and a panic attack, just like the good ol' days. Drink my sprite and settle the stomache and let the xanax rest me... Maybe go take a hot bath, lord knows I need it!
And my bathroom is a horrible shade of pink and worse my bed room is the most horrible blue. And not light blue either, like a glossy denim color. That is going to be fun to work with! Kitchen a forrest green color. Someone liked bold colors here, but the kids rooms are muted tones.
But it IS a rental and won't be forever or I would have already sent hubs out for paint LOL.
So my update.
Oh, and I got my second round of aps for the service dog waiting for me here, will contact sibemom to help me fill them out!
Hugs guys... Can't believe I did it.
