Seeing family. Scared. Weirded out. Disgusted....

[ms spock]

Um, no. I don't plan to be abusive or critical.

It's worse that being abusive or critical in an open way you are planning to be 'nice' and through your passive aggressive niceness you will unleash a whole lot of your own stuff you won't ever have to own, because your "kindness" will be your alibi for how you unconsciously behave. Your so called kindness won't mask the feelings you have stated about "contacting them out of guilt and a sense that I need to..." (so there's a whole lot of underground resentment right there). "They embarrass me for one thing (rude as it sounds)" Yes it does sound rude because you are making value judgements about your superiority which may have no basis in reality. "(preferably with a lot of booze on hand)" and you may be a really nice,. happy, passive aggressive drunk who unconsciously acts out your internal perpetrator on your siblings without ever realising it. And it might be "happy" for you whilst you alleviate some internal dynamic within yourself without realising it but you will be sliming your siblings by all your attitudes of it being disgusting and scary.

Your "kindness" won't mask "these horrible feelings of shame and disgust associated with them, my childhood". Your "kindness" won't mask the fact that "Like, I don't want to be related to these people". That will come through, and that is abusive any which way you dice it. So why don't you create your own family so you get "I want family members with good jobs, good addresses, degrees, etc. (I know)". I don't think you do, and you will be damaging to them by your unconscious acting out of your prejudice against them. "I don't want to face them, I don't want to face myself". So because you don't really want to face yourself you face them so you can act out your stuff ever so nicely but unconsciously on them. Being rude, openly critical and openly abusive is more honest. What you are going to do is poison them through your judgements and feelings of superiority. It's the gaslighting that is so painful. The smarmy well meaning but underhand comments that take people years to get over. It's the ever so nice dumping mind games that destroys people's progress, whilst your denial about what you are doing will protect you from seeing your part in things.

How can you be caring or supportive of people when you see them as "scary, dreadful, disgusting?" They will pick that up in a couple of minutes, so any benefit you possibly could give them will be totally swamped by all the rubbish in your head.

"I have to see them at least once to check on them, give them some guidance/advice and get this guilt monkey off my back".

So at least this is honest - you aren't doing this for them. You are doing this for you. You are doing this to get your guilt monkey off your back. You don't have to see them, at all. You are doing this for yourself, and you have already set yourself up to be the martyr going with such good advice who is more together and more worldy, who even before she arrives has built a fantasy scenario so much so that you are wondering what you got yourself into.


and a sense that I need to be looking out for them, giving them guidance, since I'm more worldly and "together" than they are. I'm wondering what I got myself into.

I plan to be kind,

You plan to be kind enough to salve your own conscience,. You plan to be kind enough to dump yourself so you don't have to feel guilty for it. You plan to be kind enough so you can blame anyone who feels victimised by your attitudes, as the problem.

and to offer encouragement and moral support. I want to give them some resources, suggest some things that they might find helpful.

With all you have stated in your opening post you aren't going to get within 1000 miles of being able to do any of this stuff. In fact you will be doing the exact polar opposite of this.

Also, I'm a happy drunk.

That is one lot of impressive denial. If you are drinking to block out how scary, dreadful and disgusting and terrible it will be to see your siblings? Why would you need to drink at all if you are a happy drunk that can manage things perfectly well? People who block out scary, dreadful and disgusting things may well have a fantasy that they are happy drunks but I would contest that little story.

Why would you want to sabotage your own siblings with these toxic attitudes? Why would you want to unleash your judgemental prejudices on them? Why would you want to sabotage any little bit of happiness that they have in their lives by turning up 14 years later to do what you are unconsciously going to do to them? This is passive aggressive abuse. And yes you are definitely planning with your unresolved issues and attitudes to unconsciously act out your abuse on them. This is not helping. This is hurting people.

 

[ms spock]

I'd also like to point out that Im not feeling only shame, fear and disgust. I'm also feeling empathy and compassion. I didn't mention those in the OP, obviously, because they're not what I need help with.

I would say go to therapy urgently to deal with these issues before you inflict serious damage on your siblings that don't deserve you to turn up after 14 years and unconsciously dump your stuff on them. People you don't even want to be related to are not people you are going to be able to actively give empathy and compassion to. This is denial. You are justifying the abusiveness that you are about to passively inflict on them. You have an internal perpetrator that you are going to unconsciously act out on them. It is very alarming to read your denial and justifications. You are lying to yourself about your motivations and what you think you are going to achieve.

 

[Friday]

I get it. Debts weigh heavy.

Whether you come from a f*ck your cousin holler, or your family either bangs or is deep in gangland/cartel country, or a fundamentalist religious sect, or any of a dozen different hard lives... you left people behind when you got out. People you love. People you want better for. People who aren’t going to get out on their own, because they haven’t. Because most don’t. Not without help. You had help. You want to help the others.

Ain’t wrong.

And you’re right... most people don’t want “toxic people” in their lives, which is what 99% of even wee little kids -much less adults with decades of that life informing their beliefs and actions- coming out of those lives are. They don’t want the drama, the expense, the violence that follows them, the crime, the culture shock, the risk, responsibility, retaliation, and all the rest. Even organizations set up to help people in these impossible situations burn out, or just struggle to scrape by. Individuals? Try, time and again, and usually fail.

My 2 cents would be to try and hook up with one of those targeted organizations. Because each group is going to have different common problems, and those groups are usually a wealth of information on how to attempt to meet them / limit the fallout, as well as healthy people to lean on when you need support.

Best of luck to you. :)

 

[Ronin]

There is also the bit of:

You may not be able to help the past. Or those that were yours, by blood.
You may be able to help multiple others (just with what you learned, already), in the future.
And those people to become yours, a blood, differently.

If there is a failure in not helping, it is not yours and forever.

 

[Dana1010]

You had help.

This is debatable, but otherwise a spot-on post.

I don't really know of organizations that could help them. There are some specific, branded social ills here like domestic dysfunction and substance abuse. And I will certainly be gathering all the pamphlets, phone numbers, websites I can. I feel like what they need more than anything is exposure to a different mindset, a different social milieu. That is the hard part, because I really don't want to dip into their world. I want to raise them into a better one, but I can't adopt a bunch of 30-somethings. Just going to try to pack as much good influence into this visit as possible, I guess.

 

[Ronin]

Don't want to dip into their world. I want to raise them into a better one

Thing is, I don't think you can, not from the position of outsider and living in another social world entirely.
However, you can help them make THEIR world a bit better, not focusing on where you would love them to be, but maybe the most pressing problems of where they are... allowing for some perspective outside of it?
The bits that they might want to change, and can change from where they are.
They may come to the vision and big shift you are thinking of, once they get better with where they are at, now. Gradual changes and small ones mean more, in terms of moving in life, than radical and not attainable ones.

 

[TTC18]

I'm just trying to imagine how this is going to go.. a bunch of 30 something people who are living dysfunctional lives in various ways, and who probably think they're just fine, plus you & your pamphlets and desire to improve their situation.
You said in your original post you haven't talked to any of them in 14 years - do they know this is a 'I'm here to help you' visit, or do they think it's purely a social call?
Because.... if they walk in thinking it's going to be a sort of reunion type thing, and you're there as a social worker, they're not going to be thrilled probably.
I think wanting to help people is admirable - just... be prepared for it to go badly.

You & they might be better served befriending them one at a time, and simply being a good influence in their lives by being supportive over time. If you're 'together,' and they're not 'together' - seeing your example and loving support is a positive influence on their lives that no pamphlet can even begin to compete with.

 

[Mach123]

I totally get it. There is a point beyond which. People can become vampires. I guess even vampires can be saved, I look at myself as in remission. Not everyone is up to that kind of work. There are not a lot of people around though. Once bitten twice shy. People have washed their hands of me (and us.). I have washed my hands of others and I continue to do so. My wife is so strong she can handle it no matter what and she'll help to the end but I've seen her wash her hands as well. My therapist says she'd be helping our son a lot more if she left him alone. In the end it's what you can do and you have a right to feel the way you do. There is nothing wrong with anything you said. In the end I don't think it's up to us. Everything that happens, happens. This is going on in our lives always I think. We had like all trauma people. It's hard to deal with.