Seeking Clarity: Unpacking Trauma and Emotions

[BuildingSelf24]

I think my mind is stuck in the past going through every mistake: every embarrassing or shameful moment, every anger inducing moment. I wonder if it’s doing this as a form of reflection so I don’t make the same mistakes again. But reliving it constantly is tiring and almost guarantees it happening again if I let myself be in autopilot.

The mistakes can be let go and looking for them. Going over them again and again won’t help. I’ll only know for sure if certain things were a mistake by living and learning. The consequences of certain actions will reveal themselves and though that is scary. Some consequences will never come to be while others are guaranteed. I should focus on the guaranteed consequences and the consequences that impact me in the present and near future first instead of the possible consequences that may never come to be.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I saw in a video that when caregivers don’t express guilt or apologies then kids end up with those feelings instead. I wonder if that explains the unexplained constant shame and need to apologize I feel. In addition to them shaming me constantly, they themselves never apologized for the things they did wrong. They were always right and I was always wrong in their eyes. I feel the need to look for things I did wrong but I can’t find any that I haven’t already fixed.

There’s something around fixing myself. There are certain things I want to and need to change so I can function better. I thought functioning meant I had to be able to do things with little difficulty and do them well. I also had this idea that efficiency meant I had to things in a fast manner but it’s just about expending no extra resources. That can mean doing things faster but it can also mean taking my time to ensure I don’t make mistakes that will make me spend even more time and resources to fix or just lead to bad decisions. A part of efficiency is also about making smart decisions on how to use resources. I don’t have to rush or deny myself for the sake for efficiency, especially since rushing does take extra resources and denying certain wants and needs could negatively impact me.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I’ve been having dreams of all the things I fear on repeat lately. I find myself not able to relax in my daily life and just crashing out from the exhaustion. Feelings constantly in the background no matter how much I try to ground myself in the present. But I just read that when your environment is unsafe or chaotic, danger is expected and fear is the default reaction. It explains the dreams and constant emotions. It doesn’t seem to be as bad around a group of people but becomes worse when I’m alone. I guess I have to ensure that I feel safe and secure, maybe telling myself alone is not enough.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I finally understand now why when it came time to defend myself I felt exposed and vulnerable. I wasn’t used to expressing a need like that. I wasn’t really allowed to say no or reject anything growing up. It was shoved down my throat anyway and in one case literally (I said I was full and my mom preceded to shove the food down my throat until I choked). People took it to mean that I was just shy when the vulnerability made me mousy, but I was also actively showing discomfort, pulling away and expressing not wanting to. They pushed or did what they wanted anyway.

The vulnerability made me feel too weak to physically push back. I’ve been hard on myself and not allowing myself to even feel vulnerable for fear that I’ll end up back in those situations. I was mad at myself for giving in and not fighting more. I just hadn’t realized that I only felt vulnerable because I wasn’t used to being able to say no. I wasn’t used to being able to express myself and what I wanted. I couldn’t fight for myself because I wasn’t used to being able to. There’s no need to be so hard on myself about it. I was learning a skill that I didn’t have before. Shame that those people took advantage of me during the time I was learning. It wasn’t my fault but their own for crossing my boundaries.