@Friday
--in 2020, just after his breakdown, my husband began Tough Loving our then 16 year old daughter (until she graduated) because he "didn't believe" she was Autistic and instead she just needed to be "taught" (by his use of verbal outbursts & manipulative control) that her way of processing wasn't acceptable
--in 2020, when my husband decided he could no longer work, and our only source of income was our small construction biz, I fully supported his need to step away and assured him that myself and our few employees could take care of things while he recovered - which I did.. and I went from a behind-the-scenes 20 hour/week employee to working anywhere tween 50-80 hours per week - for five years - so that my husband could have his freedom to recover - he now works 25 hours per week and plays volleyball for 40-50
--speaking of volleyball, this has been a sport shared by him and our daughters for 10+ years - our daughters both went to college one vball scolarships .. as they began coming home on breaks from college over these last 5 years, they were joining their dad when he played - and what they began getting increasingly exposed to (their words, not mine) over these years was my husband's misogynistic treatment of female players, his sexually provocative dancing on the court, and his vulgar swearing & mocking of other players - not to discount that this was the man they'd always looked up to as a pastoral role model who had ALWAYS displayed a love and kindness toward others - his trauma response to now mistreating and disrespecting others, again in THEIR words, not mine, had them seeing him as a "douchebag"
--I am a 35 year recovered alcoholic. As such, alcohol has never been a part of our home. My husband never drank until his mental health breakdown 5.5 years ago. And this year, as he became more involved in getting drunk & partying at the volleyball outings, he started hiding alcohol in our home. I say hiding, because I had no idea until finding it in the laundry room one day. Our 20 year old (autistic) daughter found out when she came home during the workday and found her dad not at work, but rather sitting on the couch drinking straight from a large bottle of wine. He said to her, "Don't tell your mom..." now tell me
@Friday, how in the world was she supposed to have capacity to process what she'd just witnessed and been told to do?
--my husband's anxieties in crowds, responses to sounds, and generalized fears meant that for the past 5 years he controlled where each of us sat, what decibel we could speak at, and where & when & for how long we could go anywhere
--oh and speaking of going anywhere, because he needed to spend $$ on his volleyball, on his personal eating out at certain restaurants, his medical care & supplements to keep him able to perform his volleyball (oh yeah - maybe you should know we're uninsured), and now his liquor, our debt has increased and this has spilled over into having any $$ for family outings or events - again since our girls arent children - they're young adults, they watched their father's spending and knew where the money had gone
--so
@Friday, my role in our family these past 5.5 years has actually been to hold together our source of income, our household, and our family while the girls and I (each of us) sought to love my husband/their father in spite of the way he verbally and selfishly treated us ... they are angry that after 5.5. years of loving him & accomodating him, he chose to leave home and has replaced his time & space with us with his "new tribe" (these are his words he spoke to them and to me in his leaving) - so abandonment is THEIR word, too .. not that I in any way gave it to them
