Self-forgiveness

[Hope4future]

Hi, I'm new here and haven't had the courage to talk about my experiences/trauma directly. I appreciate the posts I've read and the obvious support and concern expressed on the forum.

I have a question. My therapist asked me to consider the idea of self-forgiveness. What would it be like and what would it mean if I could forgive myself for everything I did to survive?

I'm curious what others have experienced around self-forgiveness and am open to any ideas or comments about the whole idea. I see the value of self-forgiveness, but I'm not sure I can do it or that I deserve it. Thanks for listening.

 

[ms spock]

I understand not feeling like you deserve self forgiveness. I am struggling with this one as well.

All the dissociation that I underwent as a child has bled over into my adult life and meant I have missed out on so much. The self hatred that kept me from acknowledging that my parents were so abusive is really hard to shift.

I wish you well in your search for self forgiveness.

 

[Hashi]

Yes, you do deserve self-forgiveness. We all do.

It's so hard, though. I think the nature of trauma makes us blame ourselves. If you had to do things to survive then that wasn't a free choice. Survival is an instinct and we're driven to do whatever we have to. If that involved actions that we regret, the responsibility lies with the people who traumatised us and put us in that situation.

It has taken me a long time to reach self-forgiveness, and I don't know any way except constant work, therapy, and gently challenging myself when I have self-blaming and self-hating thoughts.

One thing that has helped me is imagining it was someone else and I was hearing their story - would I blame them in same way? Or would I have more compassion and understanding?

Another is that to say "self-forgiveness" was a big leap for me. At first, all I could manage was questioning whether I was being too hard on myself. If my therapist asked, "Can you forgive yourself?" then I would automatically think no, I can't. But if she asked "Do you think you're being too hard on yourself?" I could stop and think about it. Still very difficult to see, but at least I could consider it and start wondering if I could view things a bit differently.

Also, I had to face a lot of grief. As long as I blamed and hated myself my attention was on that, and although those feelings were obviously horrible they kept other feelings away. Once I allowed some gentleness towards myself, I started to feel pity and grief for what I'd been through and the effect on my life. I know people often see self-pity as negative, and I think it can be if it becomes a reason to stay stuck and lash out at people who try to help, but I mean understandable pity that I needed to accept and process. Going through that grief is healing but it's very painful. I think allowing it goes hand in hand with finding self-forgiveness.

 

[Hope4future]

Thank you for the thoughtful and insightful responses. This work is so hard and I am grateful I've discovered a community of people who understand. The isolation and shame are so overwhelming at times. It's good to hear from people who have made it through what seems so impossible or who at least are facing the same struggle. Thank you

 

[Meadowsweet]

For me personally, the concept is too big by itself. Shame and self-blame seem to be ingrained in me.

So it's a matter of first noticing when I am being unforgiving or blaming myself, and then challenging that thought or harmful behavior. So I ask myself if I really think I deserve it, and would treat somebody else the way I'm treating myself.

I'm only just beginning to do it, but it's a gradual and perhaps a more practical way to forgive myself or to see that I deserve to be treated better.

 

[ms spock]

Giving yourself a break could also be helpful. You might not be able to forgive yourself but you could give yourself 5 minutes off from beating up on yourself.

 

[Hope4future]

Also, I had to face a lot of grief. As long as I blamed and hated myself my attention was on that, and although those feelings were obviously horrible they kept other feelings away."

This is so true for me. I'm so afraid of those other feelings that it's hard to let go of the known feelings. I would never be as harsh with someone else as I am with myself. Knowing something is so much harder than being able to do something. Making the leap between those, on this subject, is such a mystery to me right now and , at times, feels impossible.

 

[saffy]

Hi H4F

I think you have mentioned that you would forgive someone else. So why are not so forgiving to yourself. You continue to punish yourself far longer than you would someone else.

People have to make some hard decisions when needing to survive. Survive by what ever means. Sometimes you are not proud of your choices but they can be justified at the time and I doubt little choice was available to make a different choice.

Of course you must forgive yourself. It might be a part of your past but it does not make you who you are. You probably did not like yourself when you did things you regret now. But that is not the real you is it?

Forgive the past you and be the you you want to be from now on.

I did, it helps :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Me Myself and I]

It is such a very difficult concept to understand and actually apply. I have been trying since ever, but it seems more difficult every time.

Something there inside our mind, keeps telling us that whatever had happen to us is out fault, that everything we have been trough is something we allowed, we wanted and let it happen.

But then again, I sit and think about it, and realize that nothing is my fault. I never wanted these bad things to happen to me. I never wanted these people to hurt me. But it did happen, and I had no control over it (not because I didn't want to, but it is because I couldn't it).

I did make wrong choices true, but I didn't know they were wrong back then. I thought it probably was the only choice.

My only fault is probably, not taking the right measures, and reactions to sort things out, I have let everything in until they came up to the surface as PTSD.

How can we not forgive ourselves? The world and people around us had been mean to us, and that was too hurtful. How can we be mean to ourselves? And not forgive what we have done and what we think we have done?

We are the ones who should be understanding and loving towards ourselves. We should be the ones who are there for US. Complimenting, loving, caring and most of all forgiving. Forgiving towards who we are, what we been through and what we have experienced.

I know it is really hard, and I do struggle myself. But how can we forgive others and not ourselves?

That being said, I wish you all the very best of luck. :)

 

[vtap]

I've found it extremely challenging to forgive myself for what has happened in my life and the self blame and hatred has been something I've been struggling with for some time. The fact that it has had a huge impact on my life makes it harder to forgive. Still, over time it can be done.

What frustrates me more is the random nature of how these traumatic events occur. Some people are fortunate to avoid any significant traumatic events in life whereas others are not so fortunate. It makes me question whether I deserve this punishment.