Self-harm and anger

[Socha]

My self-harming started at an early age and changed over the years. In elementary school I got into fights with tougher kids on purpose a lot. When I was a teenager I cut, I used sex as a form of self-harm as well as substance abuse for a while and a couple of years ago I used to hit myself in the head and face with my fist, glass bottles and other objects or I punched walls or trees.

I didn’t feel the urge to self-harm in a long time but I’m getting there again and I don’t know what to do. I know a lot about self-harm prevention from therapy but it doesn’t seem to do the trick for me. I tried sports, punching pillows, rubber bands around my wrist, marbles in my shoes, ice, spicy foods, trying to keep my mind busy and self-care. Nothing works like self-harm when I get overwhelmed by feelings like anger, frustration and rage that builds up over time until it's too much for me to handle and control.

Any words of advice?

 

[Chava]

I've gone through hitting myself with hard objects, cutting, burning, and puking up water as S.I. (also non-lethal overdoses just to hurt my insides). With stuff like cutting and hitting, I realized (long story I'll skip) that my self harm was actually primarily a "fight" reflex turned against myself because I had no other okay target, if that makes sense. This has helped me work at self protection. Sometimes I'll just hold my knife (closed blade) or even sleep with it. Or, for some reason it helps to wrap the body part I want to injure tightly in some kind of compression tape. Also, pushing against heavy furniture or sitting in the garage and pushing against the car with my legs...letting some of that energy out. Slowly but exerting some good force (also matches with some stuff I do in somatic/body-focused trauma therapy).

The approaches you've tried sound more grounding or related to dissociation. Do you think that's the brunt of your S.I.? I would relate to a level of dissociation, but what helps me is more looking at it from the angle of letting that energy have an exit, either in some safe version of a fight response or self-protection. I've harmed out of pure self-hatred, but usually it's these intensely angry emotions that I just direct back at myself.

 

[Megflower]

Not sure if this helps and not entirely convinced it is all that healthy at times, but I exercise...a lot.

I use to cut often when I was younger as a way to deal with emotions that I either had too much of or not enough of.

I went through a particularly bad patch about 5 years ago where the flashbacks and dissociation were quite bad but I had not cut for many years and was desperate not to fall back into those types of behaviours, so I started running and running and running. I would often run 20-30km (not sure what that is in Miles) 5 times a week. I would be absolutely exhausted and it hurt, but on the plus side I felt great and it started to help turn the tide of some of the flashbacks.

Now I have toned back on the exercise I lift weights, do gym classes and run every day but less than before.It helps and yes it is addictive but it is also really good for me and generally leaves no scars and not too many people question me too much it's what they consider a personality quirk rather than a crazy nutty self harmer hiding her scars with weird clothing!!

 

[Tinyflame]

@Socha what do you feel angry about?

 

[Socha]

I’m having intrusive thoughts about what happened to me before I get into rage mode most of the time. I can’t get these thoughts out of my head and have the urgent need to talk about it or tell someone or at least write about it but I just can’t. It feels like I’m screaming really loud but don’t make a sound. It’s stuck in my head and I want to get it out but can’t. I feel trapped and helpless/powerless.

I get angry at what happened, the people who did it, how I feel about it and my inability to get the thoughts out of my head and put them into words. And thinking it would get better if only I could do that makes it even worse.

That’s probably the reason why I want to hit myself in the head. I have no idea if that makes any sense…

 

[Kailani]

I used to hit myself in the head and bash my head against the wall from ptsd. I just read painting and using markers on your skin to simulate cuts and stitches helps. Then it can be cleaned off and you have no scars. I don't self harm anymore but did many many years ago. It was a release of some sort. I got into activities that burned off steam to help; hiking, mountain biking, tennis, swimming....

 

[Socha]

Thank you all for your replies! I really appreciate it!

@Kailani, I read about the markers and I would try it but I think it's rather used to control cutting. I don't cut anymore, don't have the urge to do and seeing blood on me is causing me even more stress actually.
I'm rather concerned about that I'm gonna hit myself in the head again.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm a believer in the cold shower. At first it was, if I can get in that cold shower and stay there for 10 minutes, I could hurt myself if I wanted. But cold showers are so awful (for me) that pretty quickly I would rather avoid the shower.

Just fully clothed, cold shower.

I still put my head under cold water when I'm overwhelmed.

(This works for not cutting myself and not hitting myself, especially in the head, which is a problem for me too, @Socha)

 

[Socha]

@joeylittle, taking a cold shower is something I'll definitely try! Thank you!

 

[Socha]

I tried a cold shower yesterday to see what it'll feel like so I don't have to deal with something I've never done before when it gets as bad as I need it because there's a chance I might not do it then.

I love cold showers! I did it a couple of times yesterday and today. I didn't know something so simple can make me feel so alive. I'm trying to make it a daily habit now.

Other tips on how to deal with my situation are still appreciated! Thank you all!

 

[nessa3]

My self-harming started at an early age and changed over the years. In elementary school I got into fights...

Ive been struggling again with self harming as well...emotional feelings set me off and triggers from sexual abuse. I dont know how to deal with the feelings....sometimes Ive gotten paper and cut it all up or drawn myself and drew marks where I want ot cut myself.
Emdr videos help aswell on Utube.

 

[Ronin]

Similar with believer in cold showers (... or snow rolls where showers not available when snow is, same effect).

Also in ice massage of wherever I planned to inflict injuries on.

And heavy weights. If I have so much energy to be all grrr let's move something, I better move something in a constructive fashion.

Eventually, walking around, helping people who need a lift to this or that place. Fiine, energy, you get to be used somewhere constructive. Phew, who'd know I get tired so soon? In every case anger marches, or mellows out to a degree it's not Destroy Everything, starting with me.