Self Hatred

[Deleted member 1860]

This is hard to admit, but I hate myself and everything that I am. To make things worse, I'm to the point of not even caring anymore as I don't see this as ever improving. Sad, huh?

It's ok if nobody can identify with this. I don't know anyone who can even remotely identify with these feelings. I am just told "sorry" or "it's not that bad" or something along those lines.

I hate myself so much that I feel the need to punish myself in various ways. I know it's kind of sick but somehow it makes me feel a bit better, like I'm somehow paying for my sins or something like that.

I try to heal and always end up back in this place. How am I supposed to like myself when the world I grew up in showed me that I am not valued if I have any flaws?

Sorry for rambling. I feel stupid for saying any of this but I'll post it anyway.

 

[nomedic1]

Solara, I hated myself for a long time, but we need to remember every action has a consequence and sometimes we are the consequence of somebody's actions.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm sorry, can you explain? I don't think I understand what you are saying.

 

[scoobs21]

I totally understand where you are coming from. No need to apologize or wonder if you are alone in thinking this. With that said, punishing yourself won't change things in your life. There are many times, I find myself pissed off at life. I will more or less go off and vent and throw a lot of f-bombs out there. That is just me not sure about what type of punishment you are giving yourself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The self punishment is more physical I guess you could say. Oddly nobody notices, which is what I was afraid of. I mean having to explain.

 

[nomedic1]

When we are abused it is the consequence of the abusers actions, not anything we have done, they made the decision to abuse us, we did not ask to be abused

 

[Seasounds]

I found your post is meaningful, not rambling. As your situation is unique, you seem to be in the paradox that myself and many others have experienced before: how to value myself when most of my earliest teachings were the opposite. It takes patience, professional help, and time. Keep posting, and making connections. You can transform, with your intention and the right help.

Your way through will be uniquely your own. Besides counseling, meditation, and emotional expressions, i explored what was safe and affordable. Two suggestions were very unique.

A teacher told me that to create a new reality, it is important to have a neutral foundation. If a person comes from a traumatic past, they do not have a neutral foundation. To change my energetic foundation,he instructed me to imagine the earth's energy coming from the ground up though the souls of my feet.

Even though I didn't believe in this exercise, I did it anyway. Since I was desperate, i would try anything, as long as it wasn't dangerous.
Much to my surprise, after doing this exercise for a month, three times a day-for 60 seconds each, a significant change occurred.

Without any therapy, an entire layer of depression cleared (equivalent to two years of therapy). Next, he told me to have deep tissue massage. After three massages, another big layer released. Grounding and body work can help.

 

[scoobs21]

I wish to some degree I could talk you out of hurting yourself in a physical manner but I am sure that probe wouldn't work. I am not therapist but I think you should take that anger and rage and use it in another way of punishment. Find a punching bag or something else and punish that instead of yourself. Like I said I know u will hardly take this advice, just thought I add my two cents.

 

[CrazyHorse]

I do not have any wise words for you. I just want to say to you, for what it is worth, I like you!

Just to name a few things as to why I like you: I think you are intelligent, streetsmart:-) and very articulate in your posts. I also like your style of not being afraid of 'saying it like you see it'. I find that you are able to do that while maintaining a balance of solid good advice, modesty and compassion.

 

[EverOnly358]

You're brave to post. I can relate. As a child, I was beaten by my father on about a monthly basis. I think he suffered from PTSD (he served in Vietnam), and he could hold things in for about a month, and then he would just explode, and I was the only person around, so he took it out on me.

Along with PTSD, I'm bipolar, and I find that my bipolar cycles reflect this pattern I grew up with. As a child, there was actually some relief after a beating, because early on, he would apologize afterwards and be nice to me or buy me a present to make up for beating me (after awhile, he just didn't care and didn't interact with me except to beat me). And then I would be safe for about 2 weeks. But then I would start dreading the moment when he lost it again... which would last anywhere from 1-2 weeks. Now I cycle that way... I'll be up and energetic and hopeful for about 2 weeks, then something will happen, and I'll get tired and depressed, and if that depression goes on long enough and gets really, really bad, I'll hit myself. Anything to make that feeling go away, that terror that I'm going to be hurt any second and the hyper-vigiliance that comes with that feeling. Mostly I hit myself on my legs over and over because those bruises are easiest to hide. And it does give me relief, and then I start to feel better, because this pattern to my life was ingrained in me at such a young age.

I think I was maybe 11 or 12 years old before I really realized everyone else wasn't going through the same thing. I was painfully shy as a child. And I felt hated. I really felt the only way I could make anyone happy was to die, because nobody wanted me. I'm slowly getting better, but it's a long and painful process. I hope you can feel better, too. And I know all about ending up back in this place... I visit every month. The only good thing about being bipolar and cycling this way is that no matter what, I know things will always change.

 

[Flyaway]

I don't know you well, but care about you!

You're right this world is ridiculously superficial, and people go to extremes everyday to try and make themselves fit. Have you opened a magazine lately? You'll find so many people with deformed faces - trying to fit. They hate themselves too. People starve themselves - to fit in. There's plenty of people who lie and blame everyone but themselves for personality flaws, and mental illness - they avoid to fit in.

I guess what I'm saying is, have you really thought about the kind of people you're trying to fit with? You're a better person than most just for being the kind of person who is willing to face up to PTSD, and take responsibility for healing.

It's not your fault you feel bad- you were made to feel this way. I think you should give those emotions the finger and go do something nice for yourself. You deserve it :)

 

[twopenny]

This is hard to admit, but I hate myself and everything that I am. To make things worse, I'm to the point of not even caring anymore as I don't see this as ever improving. Sad, huh?

It's ok if nobody can identify with this. I don't know anyone who can even remotely identify with these feelings. I am just told "sorry" or "it's not that bad" or something along those lines.

I hate myself so much that I feel the need to punish myself in various ways. I know it's kind of sick but somehow it makes me feel a bit better, like I'm somehow paying for my sins or something like that.

I can completely identify with all of that. I spent a decade feeling that way, pretty much with no break.

Now it's better than it was, but I still feel like that regularly - at least a few times a week, if not at some point every day.

As you say, how are we meant to believe that we're worth anything, when we spent our formative years being told we weren't. I'm lucky in that I had somebody telling me I was worth nothing, and somebody else telling me I was worth everything, but all that means is I jump back and forth between the two...