Self Hatred

[Raj]

I can really relate to this. I have had medical problems all my life and been told by my mother all my life what a burden I am. Today even as an adult I still feel like burden to my wife and children. I hit my self in the head and except every bad thing that comes my way because I deserve it. I was told to go away all the time while my sister was always told to "come here". It is very obvious my non-mother prefers my sister over me, with my birth defect and seizures.

That kind of cruel treatment can make any of us feel less than we really truly are as human beings, we are all here to give and receive love, yet that is hard for me to except even as I type this.

 

[ms spock]

I suffer from self hatred as well Solara. It is a challenge to deal with.

 

[Abstract]

You are very far from alone here even if people "out there" don't understand.

It may help you feel less alone to read here too: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/self-hate.30780/

The most usual reason behind "normal" self harm for me has always been severe self hatred. When nothing else can express it. Self hatred seems to be the most reliable relationship I have.

 

[ms spock]

I had never thought about it like that before Abstract.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'll just say thank you for the replies. I'm told I am argumentative when I reply to my posts, so I'll just say thanks, I'm taking in what was said.

 

[Thinkingman85]

This popped up, but you're walking in the fire. The way to not do so is to jump out. Trying to defeat it won't do anything because you believe there is something wrong with you. I'm just explaining what I'm visualizing which could be the right answer.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm confused. Can you please explain?

 

[Thinkingman85]

Maybe holding onto pain is a lifestyle. Personally, when I was at my best I didn't hold on to pain or trauma. However, so many people attacked emotionally that it was like I gave into their negativity. Holding onto that negativity is what perpetuates my PTSD. Maybe, if we don't hold on to the negativity people have placed on us we can function above them and be true to ourselves. The people that hurt me did it because they were either bad or jealous. Believing that they compare to us is probably what causes us pain because we are connected to something inferior. Basically, we are downgrading ourselves. Not holding onto negativity is the only way, I think.

 

[Abstract]

Good for you for breaking patterns and for allowing yourself to absorb some support. I know hearing things doesn't magically make it all go away and it can even be hard to hear when we are stuck in a painful place.

 

[tryingtothrive]

I think I know exactly what you mean Solara. I used to actually hit myself because I hated myself so much. I was a cutter for awhike, but it was not a way of hurting myself, rather trying to feel. When I would get so angry at myself (whatever the reason;I looked fat that day, hair was disheveled, felt I made a mistake, was late...) I would actually hit myself, pull my own hair, bite myself etc. all kinds of things my mother would do to me when she thought I looked fat, disheveled, made a mistake... I had a hard time looking at myself for a long time.

I made myself a promise one day (after making music bleed from a self-inflicted beating) to stop. It took me awhile, but that is when I started a gratitude journal. I began with small things - grateful to be able to see or hear and slowly worked my way to bigger more personal things.

I haven't abused myself in years (I am grateful for that!) And there are times I feel like I deserve that punishment, but I remind myself of the promise and how much I do love myself for overcoming all I have overcome. You will get there, it takes time. Start slowly and don't give up on yourself.

Thank you for posting this. I have never admitted to anyone I did this. I was always so ashamed and felt so sick and alone for perpetuating physical abuse onto myself. I don't know if you suffer the exact same thing, but I know how polarizing self hatred can become. Love yourself for just expressing your concern over this. :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ttt,
I know you're right. It's a lot to take in right now. My head hurts so bad---that's my own doing though. I haven't had a flashback migraine in a few years. I have one tonight and meds won't touch the pain. I can't keep hurting myself like this.

 

[Flyaway]

What helped me was facing the truth. I realised that the reason I felt so bad and deserving of punishment, was because the fookers who abused me growing up told me I deserved it- they filled my head with all kinds of lies that I believed. I was brainwashed.

I couldn't allow myself to be angry at them because I believed it was somehow all my fault. I came to understand just how vulnerable and brainwashed I was, and how strategic and manipulative they were about keeping me in a vulnerable, weak state so they could continue abusing me.

Now I know the truth! They are ENTIRELY responsible for what they did to me!!! I have no blame at all for the choices they made. I handled it the best I could - I'm so proud of myself for surviving the nightmare they put me through. I deserve the unconditional love that my family neglected to give to me. I refuse to continue to hurt myself - to continue the hurt that they inflicted on me. Each day is an opportunity to grow a little bit stronger.

Since I faced this truth 7 years ago, I have not cut myself. I feel RAGE towards them though- I'm trusting that God will give me justice where law enforcement has failed to.

I'm sharing these thoughts in the hope that you will identify with this truth, and hopefully it will be a pathway out of the self harm era of your life. I have no doubt that you are a good person, you don't deserve to feel this way about yourself!!!