Childhood Self Image And Childhood Trauma

[anonymous]

While I have several things that affect my PTSD, my self image/esteem was truly damaged by verbal abuse in childhood. I do not see myself as others see me. At my best of times, I can walk around internally confident. At my worst, I can't even look at myself. Things my father had said to me in my childhood have affected me so much that it has shaped how I see myself.
He is a different person now and when I am healthy, I truly believe, if he even remembers the words, he is sorry. On my worst day, my mind believes he was right.
I talk to him all the time and he asked to come see me. I've been home for several weeks and my family has been here for me, but quite frankly, visits take a lot out of me. I am physically and mentally exhausted.
My father's pending visit has given me a lot of anxiety. Mostly because I do not look well and knowing that he will see that will trigger my self image anxiety.
Have I ever told him how he hurt me? No, I haven't. My therapist knows. I won't tell him now as he has heart and health problems. It won't help and will only hurt both of us.
My mind says this isn't the biggest problem in the world and I should just get over it. My mind is just as mean to me as he used to be.

 

[BlueDream]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I'm kinda in the same boat when it comes to my relationship with my parents.

Sending good vibes your way!!

 

[DharmaGirl]

You didn't ask for advice, so I won't give any, even though I would need the same advice. I hear you, though.

 

[Bloomy]

I reckognice this. "mother" also severly verbally abused me throughout childhood. My childhood dream was to never have to speak to her again. But it was dificult for me to actually cut the contact when I came in twenties. At first we didnt talk about things that happend. But I couldnt live with it. Live with pretend that all is so friggin well when it has been a total nightmare.
Then the woman became sick. "sister" called from hospital. Said the woman had an operation and it wasnt sucessfull. They needed to do a second with the chanses of the person thats supposed to be my mom could die. That really put things in to perspective for me. I had to ask my self from a future vision. How would I feel if she did actually die? That the next were to go to a funeral? Sad to say I didnt find nothing within me that could muster up some care or concern less say grief,
And she didnt actually die either that stubborn woman. And coming out of hospital she was as sick in her head as ever. The thing she manage to tell me when I came for sick visit was so grusome I wish sincerely I could delete and erase every single words. She litterally ripped out my heart. What was left of it any way.

For me that was the final blow. I stopped takin concern to onl yher poor needs. Stopped being worried Id hurt her. I told her straight up what I ment about my childhood. And surprice - she neglected it all. In her mind we were a happy little family in a bobble painted pink smelling of (rotten - my words) roses.

This became the start of my separition from her and the family. It took me unfortuanelty some long years after this to actually pull it through. She managed to yet again throw me a stunt from hell before I realised that this thing called my mother is actually so sick in her head we can never talk.

I can not negclet such an abusive behaviour and talk about the god darn curtains and how pretty they are instead. Or oh how the weather has changed or whatever. I cant have any conversation pretending we are brady friggin bunch when the whole family issue is inflammated with severe abusive behaviour all ways.

I hope you figure this out for YOUR best interest. Not your sick father. You didnt ask for him to become your father in the first place neither of the treatment he gave you nor the disease he now has.
Just make sure you can live with your self either way youll pull this trough. But please dont take any decicion based on poor daddy complex. Take well care on your healing path towards something you deserve.

 

[Snowflake]

While I have several things that affect my PTSD, my self image/esteem was truly damaged by verbal abu...

I am so sorry for what you are going through-Many PTSD survivors feel poorly about themselves and have difficulty looking in a mirror or taking a bath or shower. I think of my body as another thing-I can't accept it as being apart of me. My father has passed but my mother will still say off the wall comments about how I look which sends me into suicidal thoughts. It's sad that this happens to us-I am hoping one day you and I and many others will begin to live ourself again and be confident human beings-ditching those toxic in our life. Sorry if it didn't make sense or if I said something to upset you. Thinking of you

 

[LostInCPTSD]

While I have several things that affect my PTSD, my self image/esteem was truly damaged by verbal abu...

I know what you mean - even tho I'm aware that it was wrong (the abuse as a child and criticisms and lack of empathy support or lack of 'building confidence' as every child needs - still to this day, every day, shapes my view of how others see me, how I see myself - even when I know I'm an over achiever and doing the best I can, going above and beyond for my kids (to ensure they felt it heard or experienced NOTHING CLOSE to what I did, cause I know the damage it can do) I still feel constantly guilty and constantly 'checking myself' in my head like 'what are you doing wrong? What more can you do to make ur kids and others happy' all while SEVERLY neglecting my own self and health.. this is why my PTSD is so developed and severe now - I had serious abuse and homelessness as a child and continued chaos every day in my life since, never took care of it and always got mysekf in very dangerous toxic situations and relationships - hang in there - family visits are close to impossible anxiety and triggers galore (recalling this because it's been years since had contact with family) - that's why PTSD is so isolating - try to meditate and try to treat yourself as much as you can before the visit and my thoughts are with you and sending strength your way - hoping this helps in some way. Take care of yourself and know that you are incredibly strong and considerate and nothing that your Dad said you were back when he was going through something personal in him that caused anger and MIS-directed resentment.. my take is you were the one easiest and least threatening for him to criticize - that in itself actually means your a kind and good person in this twisted world we live in..

 

[Mim28]

While I have several things that affect my PTSD, my self image/esteem was truly damaged by verbal abu...

While I have several things that affect my PTSD, my self image/esteem was truly damaged by verbal abu...

Thank you All. While he has changed and I have forgiven him, his words cut so deeply and shaped my self esteem. I was anxious for his visit. For him to see me at my most worst and it went okay. He hugged me and said it would be okay and I got some healing from that. It's odd that the person who can hurt you can also be the one to help. I do believe my father struggled when he was younger. I don't know what his demons were. He has worked hard to be a better man. It's just sad that those actions leave lasting scars. I've asked God for healing and day by day, I am getting it. I need to recognize it. I've asked for new beginnings; whether that be in me around me, for me. I don't know. I just know that I surrender. I am human and I am tired of trying to fight the beast within. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I read them all as I was waiting for his arrival. they helped me.

 

[Bloomy]

Im glad your father is that kind of a person. I belive there must be some healing in that.

 

[Mim28]

Im glad your father is that kind of a person. I belive there must be some healing in that.

Thank you. I do believe people can change. Some, not all.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Standing in solidarity with you. I can absolutely relate, and am so very sorry for your suffering and emotional frustration. VB

 

[Mim28]

Standing in solidarity with you. I can absolutely relate, and am so very sorry for your suffer...

Thank you Violet.

 

[Freedomfighter]

While I have several things that affect my PTSD, my self image/esteem was truly damaged by verbal abu...

That is a dangerous time, when one meets with a parent that stepped over the line. My father did most of the damage in my family but my mom was occasionally more than a bystander too, it was like she was influenced by what he did and just went along with his abuse, either not stopping it, or just being quiet about it. Then there were times too when us kids did wrong and my parents did not step in either, especially sad because a lot of what the kids do originates in the parent's behavior, copying and so on.
However, when I saw my dad again I knew that there would never ever be the chance for any type of reunion again. What he did to our family could not ever be repaid. And that is what he is trying to do, subconsciously.
My grandfather had PTSD and I remember vividly how both of my parents abused my grandfather, how they verbally abused him. I remember the exact words as a matter of fact. I also remember very vividly that they trained me, their own daughter, to go up to my grandfather and abuse him verbally. In that case I also remember the exact words, exactly word for word do I remember what they told me to tell my grandfather. Not pretty, such people are just very manipulative and there is nothing that can be done at a later time anyways.
My father will never change, and I have accepted that.