Self injury

[jadebear]

Wasn't sure where to put this since it wasn't actually 'self' injury, it was an accident...

Yesterday, I was talking on the phone and cooking at the same time, so I was distracted. I was getting a pan out of the oven and it touched my arm and burned it. It burned all the way across my forearm.

I didn't put anything on it, I just sat and watched it kinda bubble into a big blister.It really stung and throbbed the rest of the night, and I was a little surprised that I enjoyed and liked the pain. It felt so familiar, so real, so intense, that it was almost euphoric feeling. It was almost like being high. So much so that I had to fight the urge to purposely burn myself a few more times to get that feeling again.

Why is pain pleasurable? Why does it feel so cleansing? Why does it feel so familiar and comforting?

I'm embarrassed to say that I'm actually craving that feeling again this morning. What is wrong with me?

 

[Nyx]

Nothing's wrong with you. It may have been an accident, but craving for the pain is pure self-harm. Here's a few pages I found to have good info on them:
[DLMURL]http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/selfharm/whydopeopleselfharm[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL]http://www.palace.net/llama/psych/why.html[/DLMURL]
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/problems/depression/self-harm.aspx

You will find there some explanations as to why pain feels good.

I hope you are safe and that you resisted temptation.

 

[jadebear]

Thanks Nyx. I plan on reading all of those.

I hope you resisted

I just wanted to get that feeling back again. But it didn't work .I tried 6 different times and felt absolutely nothing. Now I feel like an idiot.

 

[jadebear]

I hope you are safe.

I am. Thought I should add that,I don't want anyone thinking I am gonna seriously harm myself or anything.

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm glad you are okay JB. I'm sorry to hear that you tried to re-feel that pain pleasure several times. I haven't read Nyx's links, but I hope they help. And don't feel bad about it, you are not an idiot (if you are an idiot then I am too, because I have SH'd in the recent past). . . what is done is done. I just hope that you can talk this through with your T, and /or more talking about it here. :hug:

Please make sure your burns are properly looked after, and cleaned, and dressed. At the E.D. if necessary, so that you don't get any infections, or problems later.

Stay safe, my friend :love:

 

[jadebear]

You're right, what's done is done. I wish I could un-do it, but I can't.

It felt right at the time, but it obviously wasn't a smart thing to do. I should have got out of the house, went to visit a friend, went shopping, called someone, or anything other than what I did. I shouldn't have let myself get caught up in the way I was thinking/feeling.

Don't worry, I will keep the burns clean, dressed, etc. It's been SO freakin hot here, and I can't hardly wear long sleeves to hide my arm, I don't want them to look any worse than they already do.

 

[Nyx]

It felt right at the time, but it obviously wasn't a smart thing to do. I should have got out of the house, went to visit a friend, went shopping, called someone, or anything other than what I did. I shouldn't have let myself get caught up in the way I was thinking/feeling.

If the feeling should come again, come back here and read your own words. You'll be okay (hug)

 

[jadebear]

Since I burned my arm on the pan, I have been thinking about when I got burned when I was very young. I remember nearly everything about it, except for the pain. I remember the skin coming off my chest/stomach, I remember going to the hospital, I remember the doctor saying I was so young that there should be minimal to no scarring, and I remember being freaked out and scared. But I don't remember the pain at all.

. It felt so familiar

Now It makes sense why it felt familiar. But what doesn't make sense is why I would want to feel that way again. That just seems so messed up, doesn't it?

 

[Nyx]

It doesn't. One of the reasons for self-harm is to (re)gain control when you feel you lost it. You said it felt familiar. In your case, when you uncover so many painful memories over which you feel you have no control, familiar means control. I don't know if it makes sense or not. I hope it does. What I meant to say is to go easy on yourself. You fight with any weapons available, that's all there is to it.

 

[jadebear]

I'm going to talk to my T. 2morrow about what I did. I don't really want to, but I'm thinking I probably should.