Self Medicating And Scared

[monticello18]

What I am about to write about is something I feel great shame over but I need to put it out there and share with someone.

I've been abusing Vicodin and Ambien for over a year now. At first, I was prescribed the pain pills for a shoulder injury. In a very short period of time, I realized that when I took the pills, I would feel relief from my emotional pain. And even when my shoulder was not hurting me, I would take the pills anyway because they made me feel good. And now over time, I've built up a tolerance and have increased my dosage to a dangerous amount. Now I have to take them just to avoid feeling sick from withdrawals. It is almost impossible to get any euphoric feeling from them at all. I am taking between 6-10 10mg hydrocodone tablets per day, depending on the availability. I have resorted to not only getting them from my doctor, but also buying them from other people who have scripts or buying them off the street. I'm scared that I'm destroying my liver and that I will not wake up one day. I've been isolating myself from everyone. I expend more energy worrying about how Im going to get my pills than anything.

Then there is the Ambien, which I've been taking for years. When I get a script for 30 pills, they are usually gone within 3-4 days. I get a few scripts from different doctors and also get them from freinds or family that have scripts. I take them so I can blackout.

Three years ago, I went to treatment and was successful at staying clean for 7 months. Then after dealing with the stress of being sexually harassed at my job, I turned to the pills once again. I'm worse off now that when I sought help before. My family is not supportive and I cannot turn to them for help. They told me that if I were to ever use again, that they would not have any contact with me whatsoever. I live alone and I am scared. I know I can't go on like this. I want help, but I cannot afford treatment this time. I guess I can go back to NA or AA and find a sponsor. Its really messed up that I know what I HAVE to do, but cannot find the strength to do it. I know I have to do something before it is too late. I can't believe I let myself get to this point.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Ok, so you know that you have an addiction, and you have gotten clean before. You will have to do whatever you can to get clean again. It won't be easy, it will be one of the hardest things that you have ever done, but you need to do this.......

Should I start naming names of people in the news that have died from *accidental* overdoses??? Michael Jackson comes to mind, along with many many others. You are playing Russian Roulette with your life.....

You say that you can't afford the treatment, yet you buy the drugs off the street, you get scripts??? You have money for that, but not treatment??? Not adding up. Where there is a will, there is a way. If you have the will, then find the way!!!!!

 

[Jimmy]

Monticello,

Firstly I want to say, I do understand where your coming from and what you are feeling.
Here is a bit of my background so you understand why I say this.

Approximately three years ago, I was diagnosed with Combat PTSD. I also suffered from chronic back pain, and had a busted shoulder. I was placed on medical leave from the military.
Then my wife left me and took 80% of the items in the house and the kids. I was basically left with nothing and a new life to build.
Instead I turned to alcohol, pot(which is illegal here), and anything narcotic I could get through a script. I even went to pharmacists and got the most powerful pain killer available without a script. Its amazing what excuses and stories you can make up.

Two years ago I had bowel surgery to remove a nasty abscess and a large part of my bowel and shortly after this was discharged from the military. It was my life, my career and all I had. About six months after that I just stopped drinking. But the rest kept going.
My son who is now 12 decided he wanted to live with Dad. So I tried to keep everything else hidden. This did not work.

About five months ago, after all my friends no longer visited, my family distanced themselves from me, I had spent thousands and thousands of dollars, and my son was almost removed from my care. This is what caused me to re-evaluate my life.

What I am trying to say is that I had to find something deep down inside. Something that outweighs anything else, and use this as your guiding light.
Don't get me wrong, I still have days where I would love to take a mouthful of medications, smoke a joint, or pick up a drink, but it is not an option anymore. I have to much to lose and everything to gain.

So Monticello, I know you can do it. Think back to the lessons you learnt when you were in treatment. And just say NO. Find that guiding light and do it for YOU.

Jimmy

 

[tryintobreathe]

Monticello,I too was doing the exact same thing. I totally understand what you are going through. I got hooked on vicodin and within a year I was taking up to 30 10mg vicodins a day just to not be sick. I am not a large person either, it is a wonder I didn't OD. I abused them for 5 years before I finally was able to get clean. I know how hard it is getting off them. Opiate withdrawal is the worst. It's crazy how we know we are killing ourselves but it seems impossible to stop. You've done it before, so you know you can do it again. Maybe it would be a good idea to at least get to some meetings. They were so helpful for me in the beginning when everything seemed so hopeless. Jen

 

[Grainne]

Hi Montcello,

I think it's incredibly brave of you to admit you're getting to the end of your rope and need help to solve this problem. Having been through it all once before must make it even harder to face, but, as others have said above, you have won this battle before in your life and you can do so again.

All the best,
Grainne

 

[monticello18]

She Cat.... that's totally the addict in my speaking. It makes absolutely no sense that I can throw money away on something that is killing me and have a hard time parting with money to save my life. Rationally, I know this. I have a lot of shame and guilt that I got myself back into this situation. But I know that is not going to get me anywhere. I am going to talk with my doctor who prescribes my pain meds and tell him I have a problem and I need help to get off of them. I made the appointment and even though I'm scared to tell him, I know it is what I have to do. The meds do not even numb me out like they did before, so there is no use in taking them for that reason anymore. I cant run from my problems anymore. Time to face them and get my life back.

The accidental overdoses are in the back of my mind at all times. You would think this would stop me from taking pills, but instead I feel bad about it and take them anyway. I know better, Im in the medical field...another thing to make me feel even more guilt.

Thanks for your reply, and although I'm trembling with fear right now... Im glad that I got this off my chest.

Sincerely,

Michelle

 

[monticello18]

Hugs to you Jimmy for sharing your story with me. I'm sorry that you have had to go through these struggles. The best I've felt in my entire life was when I was in treatment. It lasted 6 weeks and I did not want to leave. For the first time in my life, I felt safe and I was able to be honest with all of my nasty baggage and I did not feel judged. I did learn many valuable lessons in treatment which I put aside after experiencing my last traumatic and life changing event. I turned to drugs once again, and I wish that I would have been stronger and sought help in other healthier ways.

After getting out of treatment the last time, I did not take the advice of my counselors and made some big life decisions that I should have not made until I had more sobriety. I moved downtown in a big city, ended a serious relationship, and I took a career changing job that turned out to be my biggest nightmare. If I would have just waited on these things, maybe I would have not even been in this situation. Who knows? Would have, could have, should have..... doesn't really matter at this point. But you are right.... it is NOT an option anymore to turn to drugs. I'm glad that you have seen the light and I wish continued success for you. Thanks again for sharing your story with me, it means alot to know I'm not alone.

Best Regards,

Michelle

 

[tryintobreathe]

Michelle,I think that is a great first step, talking to your doctor. Also, I don't know if this is appropriate to mention here but I know a few people who have gotten off of opiates using suboxone. Maybe you can mention it to your doctor? I know for me, one of the biggest fears about quitting was the detox part. Good luck and keep on posting and keep us updated.Jen

 

[monticello18]

Jen, I have called my doctor and I'm going to tell him I need help to taper of the vicodins. If this plan does not work, I am making a promise to myself to go to treatment. I am a small girl myself, I'm 5'8 and 120lbs and I havn't been eating because of course eating will decrease the effect of the meds. Can I ask you how did you get clean and how long you have been clean? I've been to the AA website and there are tons of meetings. Im going to go to one tomorrow and hopefully find a sponsor soon. I need to be accountable to somebody.

I went to do my taxes with a tax attorney today because of all the tax ramifications of my lawsuit settlement and it stirred up so many memories of my experience with my last employer. I feel like total crap. So if I'm rambling on and not making a lot of sense, it's just because I got alot on my mind right now.

Thanks for your reply and stay strong with your sobriety... it gives me insipring hope to know that you've pulled through.

Best Regards,

Michelle

 

[monticello18]

Thanks Grainne..... I dont feel very brave right now, but I'm glad that I have admitted that I need help. Part of me feels like I should have learned my lesson, so that makes me feel alot of shame in letting myself get to this place again. But I do feel a little better with kind words of advice and not being judged here.

Thank you again,

Michelle

 

[monticello18]

Thanks Jen.... yes detoxing is a huge fear for me. I have severe panic attacks and being sick triggers them even more. When I got sober last time, I could not even take xanax (or any benzos) for panic relief at all. I didnt have a problem at all with those, but my docs insisted no "mind altering substances". I was scared to not have them on hand, but suprisingly with the amount of therapy and self-help I was doing, my panic attacks were very infrequent and not as severe. Everything was better sober. And I still turned to pills despite that fact. PTSD, Depression and Addiction are sneaky diseases and I'm learning that I will always have to be on guard against them.

I will keep you updated and thanks again for your support.

Michelle

 

[tryintobreathe]

Michelle,I will have 6 years clean this March. I quit on my own and with the help of NA. I detoxed at home because I refused to go to rehab and leave my children. I weaned myself down over about 2 weeks to about 2 or 3 vicodins a day and then I quit cold turkey. I have to say, it was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. I knew I was slowly killing myself but it just seemed so impossible to stop. It's not impossible though, if I can do it anyone can do it. Going to meetings in the beginning was so good for me...to hear stories of others who had overcome their addictions was so inspirational and gave me so much hope when I felt hopeless for so long. {{{hugs}}} Jen