Sexual Assault Self Mutilation After Sexual Abuse

[Bickslow]

Whenever I'm under severe stress or triggered from something related to my sexual trauma, I get a massive urge to mutilate my genitals. It feels like they were the cause of this pain...this mental pain and the chaos in my head from this instance of abuse. If I never had them, if they were gone, it couldn't happen again. It simply wouldn't be able to. These thoughts repeat time and time again and its honestly hard to resist the urge to not grab a knife and remove what I'm viewing as vile and poisonous to my life and well being. I've never wanted sex in my previous relationships (two total, both sexually and emotionally abusive) and that was used against me, to hurt and abuse me. If I didn't give them what they wanted I would be emotionally abused, if I did I was hurt and made to do things I regretted or cut to the quick with words of hate. If I never had theses parts that I hate...it never would have happened. It's sick logic but I want them gone.

I'm well grounded enough (thankfully) to not act on these impulses...I know that it would accomplish nothing and be nothing more than pain and a huge red flag to anyone around me. But I am struggling with it. I'm currently single and don't plan on being with anyone until long after I'm absolutely certain I'm healed enough to be a strain on a partner, so in pure reality it's not an issue. I'm not with anyone, no one can act as these women did with me then. But still...it weighs heavily on me and it's a very real stresser for me.

Anyone have any ideas as to how to handle this type of thought process? Any had the same experiences? I'm looking for a little hope and some solid advice...I've never had to handle sexual trauma as deep as this before, and I'm drowning.

 

[anonymous]

Can't offer anything more helpful at the moment but this thread might help you feel less alone at least
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/hurting-intimate-parts-of-the-body.46547/

 

[BlueOrange]

I've felt used, and profoundly ashamed of being male, but not to the point of self-mutilation. You have my sympathy. For a long time, I viewed sex as a service that I provided, and as something that I didn't really find satisfying or fulfilling. That slowly turned around.

I hope that you have a therapist, and that you're able to talk about this topic with them (I'm sure it would be difficult to do so).

Every time you don't act on that impulse to harm yourself, you're training yourself not to act on that impulse. Frustratingly, the more frightening the impulse is, and the worse you feel about having the impulse, the more likely it is to come back strongly. To the extent that you are able to say "OK, I'm having that impulse, I'm not going to act on it, and I feel safe despite having that impulse" it should have a softening effect.

To the extent that you're able to enjoy being male and having those body parts, that can build up an alternative interpretation for your emotional self. Creating happy memories there might be difficult after all that you've been through.

There's an Australian comedy act called The Puppetry of the Penis that may or may not lighten the mood...

 

[Friday]

How do you otherwise deal with 'Blame the Victim' thoughts?

 

[Bickslow]

I've never acted on Self Harm impulses or worse ones...and I never will. I won't cause permanent damage for what I know is a temporary issue. I don't have a Therapist, and I refuse to have one after my experience with them. She facilitated the abuse my ex handed to me for months, and I know some are different, but I would rather not have the option available to someone who has medical control over me. They are wonderful and helpful to some, but nothing I will have. I confide in friends and get my help when and where I need it...and I'm usually very well grounded and healing fine. This is just new...and insanely strong.

@BlueOrange That actually gave me a lot of hope...the idea of some day being ok and happy with these parts hadn't even occurred to me. I hope you're right. Thanks for the words of encouragement! Creating the memories would be impossible now...but maybe someday.

Any other Victim Mentality I handle the same way as I handle this. It wasn't, and is not in any way, my fault. I didn't bring it upon myself and I know that. I don't feel guilt in the victimized sense, which is a small boon I suppose.

I've handled triggers and abuse before, but these Sexuality Based impulses and triggers are new...it's an entirely different beast.

 

[Friday]

, I get a massive urge to mutilate my genitals. It feels like they were the cause of this pain...this mental pain and the chaos in my head from this instance of abuse. If I never had them, if they were gone, it couldn't happen again. It simply wouldn't be able to.

They weren't the cause, though. They weren't at fault, even though they were assaulted. Your rapists were at fault.

If they were gone, you could still be assaulted, including sexually.

Kinda like blaming your legs if you were paralyzed. If you never had legs, you'd never have lost the ability to walk.

See what I mean about blaming the victim? Instead of blaming your rapist, you're blaming your parts. Which is a step in the right direction. We are not our parts. Nor the sum of our parts. But it's still taking the blame away from the person who actually did it.

 

[Bickslow]

Wow...I had to read that multiple times to actually get it...you're completely right. I hadn't even considered that.

I wouldn't go as far as to consider them rapists though, abusers yes, but I never felt raped. I didn't want to but I wasn't held down or forced, I chose to perform those actions hoping my needs would be sated through appeasing them, never worked in my favor though. I felt used and abandoned, but not raped. It seems far to harsh of a terminology for the situation in an objective view.

Regardless of title, blame shifting from them seems entirely possible...and rather like me. I guess re-evaluating who is to blame and being properly emotional at where it belongs is a good first step.

 

[joeylittle]

I struggle with this. Doing the processing work in trauma therapy around the very specific events that are tied to the urges - that's what is reducing the intensity of them for me, and I really do expect to get rid of the desire to mutilate myself when I've completely processed all of the various events from my trauma that are triggers.

From what I've experienced - and you might not be the same way - there is more than just an overall sense that I want to destroy everything about me that makes me female. There are multiple triggers, all specific moments, and they've all needed to be dealt with. In other words, it doesn't go away in one fell swoop.

But doing the therapy is very important.