Self Worth And Depression

[krystina]

No problem Cherryblossom.
How are you?
Are you doing ok?
I heard you were very busy.
Hope everything is okay.

 

[cherryblossom]

Thanks Krystina. I'm doing ok. I just have an awful lot going on right now, so I can only pop in and out of the forum, and not spend much time here. I'm sure things will level out, and I'll be back properly in a few days. Thanks, it's very sweet of you to think of me. :hug:

 

[krystina]

Yep. Your welcome.

 

[Nyx]

Oh, I realize it when it's happening. I know it's from the past and I, usually, know where it comes from. But I can't always fight it for whatever reason.

These types of feelings you have to nip at the bud. It's true, it's way harder the longer it has gone on and the younger you were. It's about learned aspects that need time to be changed. But you also need to put a lot of work in it, beside letting time work it's way.
Try making a list of things you think are the root of what you feel. Try to argue those things one by one. If you can't do it alone, ask for assistance - a friend, your T, here... wherever you feel comfortable doing it. Maybe you're stuck and that is why you feel you can't fight it off.

I don't know how to love myself. I know where the thoughts come from, I think, but I can't seem to make them go away.

The answer I got when I said I don't know how to love myself was: "you can learn". Start small. For example, I started with aknowledging the good stuff I do and giving myself credit for it. But this is only a first step in a series that will follow. This is why I was telling you that you need a plan, tailored to your personal profile. And this is a plan you can develop with your therapist. She can guide you, but you will be the one who has to act on it.

I've been on multiple anti-depressants, and none of them have ever worked very well. And, so far, therapy hasn't worked so far either.

Why do you feel therapy hasn't worked so far?

 

[brokenchild]

These types of feelings you have to nip at the bud. It's true, it's way harder the longer it has gone on and the younger you were. It's about learned aspects that need time to be changed. But you also need to put a lot of work in it, beside letting time work it's way.
Try making a list of things you think are the root of what you feel. Try to argue those things one by one. If you can't do it alone, ask for assistance - a friend, your T, here... wherever you feel comfortable doing it. Maybe you're stuck and that is why you feel you can't fight it off.

I guess the list is just what happened to me, what was said, what was done, etc. I've wrote about most of it, not the trafficking though.

The answer I got when I said I don't know how to love myself was: "you can learn". Start small. For example, I started with aknowledging the good stuff I do and giving myself credit for it. But this is only a first step in a series that will follow. This is why I was telling you that you need a plan, tailored to your personal profile. And this is a plan you can develop with your therapist. She can guide you, but you will be the one who has to act on it.

As pathetic as this is going to sound, I made a list of self care activities (shower, brush teeth, etc) to do daily or weekly. I did good yesterday and it felt so weird. Like, what did I do to deserve all this good treatment?

Why do you feel therapy hasn't worked so far?

Mainly because even when I brought things up, my therapists would either tell me flat out that they couldn't handle or would change the subject. It just adds more to my thinking I can't be helped.

 

[Crusoe]

Mainly because even when I brought things up, my therapists would either tell me flat out that they couldn't handle or would change the subject. It just adds more to my thinking I can't be helped.

Yikes. If my counsellor told me they couldn't handle it then I would seriously be wondering why they were in the profession they are in or if they specialised in abuse then why specialise in that area. I know they are human too and I'm not saying they aren't allowed to have feelings but they should have someone above them who they can go to when they do find things difficult to handle so that they can get support with that. To me it's like a fireman saying "I can't stand the heat". The thing is that we can ALL be helped once we find the right person (counsellor etc) to hel u but sometimes they just take a bit of rooting about for. Stick with it because there are some AMAZING counsellors out there.

 

[lilstar]

It just adds more to my thinking I can't be helped.

You can be helped, we all can. Hang in there :hug:

 

[Nyx]

I guess the list is just what happened to me, what was said, what was done, etc. I've wrote about most of it, not the trafficking though.

You have written it, but have you worked on it?

As pathetic as this is going to sound, I made a list of self care activities (shower, brush teeth, etc) to do daily or weekly. I did good yesterday and it felt so weird. Like, what did I do to deserve all this good treatment?

Don't worry, it doesn't sound pathetic at all. It's a good start. Keep adding to that list as time goes by.
Let me ask you another thing: what do you think you did to not deserve this good treatment?

Mainly because even when I brought things up, my therapists would either tell me flat out that they couldn't handle or would change the subject. It just adds more to my thinking I can't be helped.

Maybe you didn't find the right therapist, if (s)he sais (s)he can't handle it. When (s)he changed the subject was it to a specific topic? Maybe (s)he thinks there are other things more urgent to deal with right now. I can't say, because I don't know your history and I'm not a therapist. But I think you should just say "this is important for me, this is urgent, I need to deal with it now".

 

[brokenchild]

Crusoe - None of my therapists until this one has specialized in trauma. Maybe that's why?

lilstar - Time will tell.

You have written it, but have you worked on it?

I've re-read most of what I've written. Most of the stuff I've written no longer bothers me. It seems to mainly be the humiliating parts, like having to call them "master" and them calling me names that really gets to me. The stuff that seems to be tied to my self worth/depression issues.

Don't worry, it doesn't sound pathetic at all. It's a good start. Keep adding to that list as time goes by. Let me ask you another thing: what do you think you did to not deserve this good treatment?

I didn't "earn" it by doing anything. Things like that, in my mind, have to be earned, they're not just done for no reason. I have to earn them.

Maybe you didn't find the right therapist, if (s)he sais (s)he can't handle it. When (s)he changed the subject was it to a specific topic? Maybe (s)he thinks there are other things more urgent to deal with right now. I can't say, because I don't know your history and I'm not a therapist. But I think you should just say "this is important for me, this is urgent, I need to deal with it now".

Like I said above, they weren't trauma specialist. The therapist that changed the subject would always change it to my (non existent) social life. I'd tell her that I didn't have one because of my past, but she would just focus on trying to get me out more.

Thanks for all the support everyone. I'm sorry to be such a downer.

 

[Nyx]

I've re-read most of what I've written. Most of the stuff I've written no longer bothers me. It seems to mainly be the humiliating parts, like having to call them "master" and them calling me names that really gets to me. The stuff that seems to be tied to my self worth/depression issues.

Well, I think you just gave yourself a pretty good reason to stress to your therapist that this is an important issue you need to work on.

I didn't "earn" it by doing anything. Things like that, in my mind, have to be earned, they're not just done for no reason. I have to earn them.

Things like what need to be earned? Eating? Sleeping? Bathing? These are basic things you need to survive, it's not about luxury. And basic need have to be covered for the simple fact that you are a living person.

Other stuff, maybe you have to earn it, but I think it depends on the stuff we are talking about. Let's take pampering yourself as an example. In my opinion I earn the right to pamper myself when I make progress. Not only in therapy, but in other fields: when I learn something new, when I do something better/faster than I used to, etc. If you look at your first statement, I think it's easy to see you have made progress. So you have earned the right to pamper yourself.

Still, I will insist with the question: what makes you feel you don't deserve this?

Thanks for all the support everyone. I'm sorry to be such a downer.

You're not a downer, you're just a human being with feelings. Hang in there :hug:

 

[brokenchild]

Well, I think you just gave yourself a pretty good reason to stress to your therapist that this is an important issue you need to work on.

I do my best to make it known to all the therapists that I've had what I consider to be the main issues. Some just didn't listen.

Things like what need to be earned? Eating? Sleeping? Bathing? These are basic things you need to survive, it's not about luxury. And basic need have to be covered for the simple fact that you are a living person.

Eating, sleeping, bathing, sometimes reading (though sometimes reading can be a way of "earning" things as well), brushing my teeth, using lotion, taking care of my nails, etc. Basically all self care activities.

Other stuff, maybe you have to earn it, but I think it depends on the stuff we are talking about. Let's take pampering yourself as an example. In my opinion I earn the right to pamper myself when I make progress. Not only in therapy, but in other fields: when I learn something new, when I do something better/faster than I used to, etc. If you look at your first statement, I think it's easy to see you have made progress. So you have earned the right to pamper yourself.

I'm not sure what "pampering" is really. I have never had any type of spa treatment done or done anything like that. I struggle too much with the bare minimums to do anything over and above.

Still, I will insist with the question: what makes you feel you don't deserve this?

Because I was told, and reinforced, that those things needed to be earned. Even now, when I do them without earning them, I get urges to punish myself because I'm disobeying them. I normally wait as long as I can to shower, brush my teeth, etc. It's not that I have flashbacks of what happened so much as my mind and body just "know better" or something. I don't know how to get them to unlearn.

To be honest, even thinking about not having to earn these things makes me feel self destructive. I doubt I'll do anything, but the urge is still there. It seems to be a very deep rooted belief.

 

[Nyx]

I do my best to make it known to all the therapists that I've had what I consider to be the main issues. Some just didn't listen.

Does this new one listen?

I'm not sure what "pampering" is really. I have never had any type of spa treatment done or done anything like that. I struggle too much with the bare minimums to do anything over and above.

Pampering is about allowing yourself to do some activities that are pleasent to you but you wouldn't normally do them. For example, I consider taking a hot bath with aromatic salts and candels as pamepering. Allowing myself to sleep late one day and when I wake up just lying in bed, enjoying the softness and warmth.

Because I was told, and reinforced, that those things needed to be earned. Even now, when I do them without earning them, I get urges to punish myself because I'm disobeying them. I normally wait as long as I can to shower, brush my teeth, etc. It's not that I have flashbacks of what happened so much as my mind and body just "know better" or something. I don't know how to get them to unlearn.

Maybe if you tried to document the effects of not taking a shower, not brushing your teeth, etc and learn how destructive not doing that is to you is a way of dealing with it.
Secondly, you are not under their "command" anymore. Do you, on a personal level, agree that you have to earn them or do you believe it's just basic needs you have to cover for your body to function correctly?