Self Worth And Depression

[Nyx]

It's natural that they do, because they were taught differently. But that shouldn't stop you from trying. If you feel you are in danger of hurting yourself in the process, take care of that first. Talk to your T about it, find things that can help you when you get the urges, try them, find the perfect thing for you, and after that start with the process of fighting off other bad thoughts/behaviours. Having covered the self-destructive part first will allow you to fight the other aspects.

I know, I know, in thoery it all sounds easy. But it's not. These are just logical statements. And logic is easy. The action part is the hardest. But unfortunately, that is the part no one else can do but you.

Come on, you can do it! I know you can!

 

[cherryblossom]

It takes time, as Anthony has said. It won't happen over night. Try having a list of positive affirmations. Say them every day, say them in front of the mirror. Write them here. Eventually, you will start believing them.

 

[cherryblossom]

Also have an action plan when you feel the need to SI. Firstly you could try something that different that produces and intense sensation. Squeezing ice, taking a hot or cold bath or shower, biting into something strong flavoured - chillies, lemons, ginger. At least these methods don't have long lasting effects. If you want to stop completely, you need to come up with alternative coping mechanisms for you. Even if you have tried this in the past, I would urge you to try again, because we all change a bit over time. To find an alternative coping mechanism, you need to identify what causes the urges. For example
Anger, frustration - Punch pillows, rip up old blankets, or T-shits, turn up some energetic music and dance, go for a run, or other exercise, clean a room, or the house.
Sad, depressed, unhappy - listen to soothing music, curl up on the sofa under a blanket and watch a nice film, make yourself a hot chocolate, curl up in bed with a good book.
Dissociating, needing to feel - log off the internet, squeeze ice, snap a rubber band on your wrist, stomp your feet and feel the ground beneath your feet.
Other - use a red maker pen to draw where you want to cut, distract yourself with computer games. Tell yourself if you still feel the same in 10 minutes, then you can. When the 10 minutes are up, see if you can go another 10 minutes etc.
Answer these questions honestly

1. Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
2. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
3. What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
4. How do I feel right now?
5. How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
6. How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
7. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
8. Do I need to hurt myself

If, in all honesty, you see no other answer to #8 but yes, then give yourself permission, but set definite limits. Do not allow the urge to control you; if you choose to give in to it, then choose it. Decide beforehand exactly what you will allow yourself to do and how much is enough, and stick to those limits. Keep yourself as safe as you can while injuring yourself, and take responsibility for the injury.

A few things to keep in mind should you decide that you do need to hurt yourself:

• Don't share cutting implements with anyone; you can get the same diseases (hepatitis, AIDS, etc) addicts get from sharing needles.
• Try to keep cuts shallow. Keep first aid supplies on hand and know what to do in the case of emergencies.
• Do only the minimum required to ease your distress. Set limits. Decide how much you are going to allow yourself to do (how many cuts/burns/bruises, how deep/severe, how long you will allow yourself to engage in SI), keep within those boundaries, and clean up and bandage yourself later. If you can manage that much, then at least you will be exerting some control over your SI.

Information taken from [DLMURL]http://selfharm.net/fself.html[/DLMURL]

 

[brokenchild]

Nyx - I will definitely have to find a way to deal with the extreme self destructiveness that comes with trying to disobey what I was told. I have yet to find anything that helps.

Cherryblossom - My SI is very minor and superficial only. There's no worry that it will ever be anything except that. None of those reasons really apply. It's weird and I'm not sure how to explain it. It's not dissociation per se though that's the closest thing to it. When I get in that frame of thought, I DON'T feel better until I do it.

I don't know why the urge is coming back when I haven't SI'ed in almost 10 years until this year. That's another issue in and of itself. I'm sure the urges won't last long. Even when I was SI'ing only every day, that only lasted a few months.
~~~~
On a more positive note, I've brushed my teeth every night so far this week (even though I didn't "deserve it") AND asked my Dr. to increase my antidepressants.

Baby steps?

 

[cherryblossom]

Glad to read about the positve steps BC, welldone :)

 

[Nyx]

Good going, brokenchild. Do you see you can? :)

 

[anthony]

My main problem, currently, is that even trying to replace a negative thought with a positive, supposedly more truthful thought, causes me to become VERY depressed and self destructive, not to mention physically painful at times. Trying to change actions is even worse.

Time, time and time... wrapped with a whole lot of self determination to want to continue to change. I went through some pretty destructive years, let me just tell you now... did some nasty shit as well... but I continued to want to better myself, be a better person, to change regardless what my brain and body did / wanted to do. Years of hard self work prevailed for me, has prevailed for many before me and after me... and can for you as well, but only you can change you because you stick at it and continue to want to change.

Measure small success, not large or failure... small success. That is what got me through. I might have done 10 bad things to one good, but I concentrated on the one good and slowly it became 9 bad things, 2 good things and continued improving in a more positive direction for my own life. Slow and steady chance is the only way our brain will truly accept for longevity. That could mean a month or several months... but it will stick if you continue to do replace a negative with a positive in small steps.

 

[brokenchild]

It's hard to find positives sometimes, especially lately.

I am really horrible at self care activities. You all will probably think this is gross but I haven't showered in almost 2 weeks. I haven't done anything to deserve it. After brushing my teeth so well for a week, I haven't done it since. I haven't done any other self care/maintenance activities either. I hardly drank any water last weekend and ended up drinking 8 cups of water while at work, and hardly even went to the bathroom. I must have been REALLY dehydrated.

I'm just SO USED to being like this, I honestly forget to shower, drink water (I normally don't get thirsty), brush my teeth, etc. Then, if I do remember, I do through this whole "deserve" thing in my head. The few times I win it's difficult to do so without punishing myself in some other area. Like I brushed my teeth for a week, but now haven't showered for two weeks. I doubt that's a coincidence.

Sometimes I don't know how to fight this. If I let myself do X, I won't do Y, or Z. It's not even conscious until I look back on it. Maybe therapy is making this hard too since I'm talking about things more, and that's definitely breaking the rules. <sigh> I just think SO HORRIBLY about myself.

 

[Nyx]

So you're working? This question is gonna sound silly, but... don't you think people can smell you?

I don't get thirsty either, it's a strange thing for me. But I drink about 4 cups of tea and 2 glasses of water only at work. I have programmed myself to do that, because I would also forget to drink. You just have to make a plan and stick to it. After a while it goes into habit.

Sometimes I don't know how to fight this. If I let myself do X, I won't do Y, or Z. It's not even conscious until I look back on it.

Once you figured this out you can make it a conscious process. When doing something self-destructive, think back at what positive you have done for yourself. At least try and understand better what you're doing if you say you are unable to change right now...

 

[brokenchild]

I've actually told my coworkers, for a different reason, if I start smelling to let me know. Granted, they may not tell me even if I did smell, but I'm sure my dad or one of the patients would. The patients especially. I don't do anything to get smelly/sweaty.

For a while I was doing better with getting in liquids, even if only at work. I don't know what happened. My goal is always to finish my water bottle, which is 4 cups, but lately it rarely happens.

So many times, it's self destructive by omission (not eating, not drinking, etc) so it's harder to be aware of, at least it is for me. I'll try to pay more attention to what I'm not doing.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi BC.

Please look after yourself. Give yourself permission to shower today. Do it before anybody tells you you need to. Be proactive, don't wait for them to knock your flagging self esteem.

As for drinking. You know its important. I am currently in the not eating phase, but have been able to share it with my husband. I was worried he would nag, but has been supportive, ensuring that I eat just a little. In turn I have agreed to be honest with him, and tell him what I have and haven't eaten. This is quite new for me. I was just hiding it before - saying I'd eaten at work etc.

baby steps....

 

[brokenchild]

I go through not eating phases. One of them ended up with me in an inpatient facility for eating disorders. Not fun.

One of my goals this weekend is to shower. I also want to shave and brush my teeth. It would probably be a good idea to start taking my medications all the time as well. I seem to have gotten int he habit of only taking the "important" ones.

I also need to sweep and mop the kitchen and living room, organize a pile of papers on my bedroom floor, and hand up some posters.

Sadly, I doubt I will let myself shower, shave, or brush my teeth unless I get everything else done. I DID manage to do some shaving last night, as well as buffer my fingernails. I have yet to drink anything today though I have eaten a little.

Why do I do keep doing these to myself when I know I'm doing them? Why is this so hard to change?